Time For Miracles
by UndergroundValentine
Summary: It's been a year since Drake saw Adam last. A year is a long time. Is it enough to heal a broken and eclipsed- but yearning- heart? Sequel to Eclipse Of The Heart.
1. I Used To Be Love Struck

Hiei and I are back with the sequel. This is... Well, to put it bluntly, this is to make up for EotH and all of its abuse. :P We sincerely hope you forgive us for that and enjoy the schmoopy, sappy romance. XD Haha!

As always, my wifey has Drake's POV, and I have Adam's.

**

* * *

Chapter One: I Used to Be Love Struck, Now I'm Just Fucked Up****  
****Drake's POV**

"Drake, we need to get some fucking food in this house. I've been living on crackers for like, four days now," Tommy calls to me from the kitchen. I've been staying with him ever since I got out of the hospital. I still work and I pay for half of his rent now, along with half of the food, but I haven't been the same since Adam almost killed me… I'm laying on my stomach, patting at Snickers, a little puppy Adam had gotten for me. He was still small, because a fox Pomeranian never gets bigger than puppy size. He seemed to be the only thing that actually brought me true joy and happiness lately.

"So go to the store and buy food?" I asked as he walked into the living with his hands in his hoodie pocket. One year. It had been one full year since Adam's hearing. Actually, the anniversary of that hearing had been a few days ago, and I often wondered how he was doing… Though I know I shouldn't have. Over this one year, I had turned into a horrible, emo mess, but Tommy was still exactly the same.

"Well, you're coming with me," he said, walking over to where I was laying. "I'm not going to let you just lay around the house all day."

A little pout formed on my lips. Usually when I wanted to get my way with Tommy, all I had to do was pout and he instantly felt bad for me. Normally this tactic worked. "I don't want to go to a grocery store, Tommy…" I muttered, playing the pout as best I could.

"That's not ganna work this time, Drake. You're going," he said sternly. "And that's final." He sounded like a parent telling a child who claimed to be sick that they were going to school, no if ands or buts about it.

"But… Tommy…" I muttered. Honestly, I was looking forward to my not having to go to work and not having to do anything day, and Tommy was going to make me doing something? Fuck you Mr. Ratliff. Fuck you.

He grabbed me by the arm, pulling me up to my feet. "We're going, Drake. Fresh air will do you more good than being cooped up in the house for hours will do you," he said, smiling a little. "Now, be good Snickers, watch the house like the big, bad guard dog we know you are, and we'll be back in a little while." Snickers sat on his hind legs, standing straight, with his ears up, like he was really on guard duty. He barked once, his tail wagging against the hardwood floor.

That made us both chuckle, and Tommy pulled me out the apartment door and down towards his car. Mine hadn't worked since the day it stalled at the coffee shop and it had been junked a long time ago. I couldn't afford a new one, so I bummed rides off Tommy or I stayed home. Simple and easy.

Obviously Tommy was determined to make my life difficult and un-relaxing….

He sighed deeply, pulling the passenger door open. "In," he commanded, pointing at the seat. I thought about running for about five seconds, but Tommy was a lot stronger than he looked and if he was determined to make me go shopping with him, I was going to fucking go shopping with him, one way or another. So, I obediently climbed into the passenger's seat and sat quietly the entire way to the super market. I wanted to play with Snickers and relax in the apartment, but Tommy was forcing me to go shopping… Bleh.

"Alright, I'll get the first half of our list, you can get the second half. Then we'll meet up and see if there's anything else we need to get before we leave," Tommy said, killing the engine once he parked (in a spot furthest away from the fucking door to the market, I might add).

"You know… you make things way too complicated, Thomas," I said as I slipped out of the car. He huffed as he followed behind me. I knew he hated being called Thomas, but it was funny to watch his reactions to his legal name. He often reminded me of a little kid when he was called Thomas because he always threw a little fit. It was totally fucking adorable and I could see why Adam had such a hard time around him while they were on tour together.

_Adam…_

I hated thinking about Adam because thoughts of how we used to be always made me bawl. Thinking about his freckled face, his soft kisses, his smooth skin, his silky hair and his dazzlingly diamond smile always made me long for the Adam I fell in love with. Then I'd always wonder how he was doing, if he was getting any better from therapy and how he was dealing with the house arrest… I would think about what would happen if I saw him again or if he decided to keep making music. That wouldn't shock me though because music was Adam's passion…

I wouldn't lie. I missed Adam like crazy but I chances were I was never going to hear from him again. I almost had him thrown in jail, after all. I wouldn't talk to me after something like that…. "Drake?" Tommy asked, waving a hand in front of my face. That snapped me out of one of my frequent Adam dazes.

"Huh? What?" I asked, blinking. Fuck! I didn't even get to see Tommy's tantrum about being called Thomas. Fuck my life. "Sorry… I'm still a little tired." Yeah, I'm like the gay king of bullshitting excuses. Tommy only rolled his eyes and yanked me into the store. "Ow… don't have to be so rough with me, geez," I whined, pulling my arm out of his grasp.

A playful smirk crossed Tommy's face. "That's what she said," he said.

"Funny, but I'm gay," I replied, smirking at him. I was tempted to pinch his ass as a reinforcement, but I thought better of that. I didn't want to flirt with Tommy because one, he was straight and two… I was still totally and completely in love with Adam Lambert; Glam rock star, fucking beautiful, and the most important person I've ever met in my life. Thinking about him makes my heart burn…

"Just go shop," Tommy exclaimed, shooing me away with one hand. I bowed my head, picking up a shopping basket and walking in the opposite direction. My list consisted of things like peanut butter, jelly, eggs, beer and other jarred/canned goods. Did I mention I hate shopping? Well, grocery shopping anyway. It fucking sucked!

Scanning the shelves was always bad because I never saw what I was looking for. In this case, table salt and pepper, which I could not find to save the life of me. I was so involved in what was on the shelves, I wasn't paying any attention to what or who was around me and I ended up slamming right into a taller, well built man. "Oh God, I'm so sorry!" I exclaimed, putting the hand not holding the shopping basket over my mouth and nose. God why do I have to be so clumsy? Shit…

"No… no it's alright. My fault," he said, picking up the few things he'd dropped onto the floor. I knew that voice… The voice of an angel that often sung me to sleep every night. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Adam Lambert, bent down in front of me. Wasn't he supposed to be under house arrest for another year? My gaze drifted down to the familiar black hair, freckles cheeks and bright ocean eyes, a gasp rolling off my lips once the man's identity truly set in. I dropped the basket, beer and glass jarred jelly slipped out, shattering onto the polished floor.

"Drake?" he asked, finally looking at my face and I shrank back slightly, falling to my knees to clean up the giant mess I'd just created.

"H-Hi…" I muttered, trying to scoop up the broken glass. "W-what are you doing here?"

Adam, I'm sure, was frowning as he knelt down across from me to help me clean up the broken glass. "My house arrest was cut short… My therapist recommended that I be let out, though I still have to see him twice a week," he explained, his voice just as soft and gentle as I remembered it. Fuck I missed hearing him… And at the same time I found his voice so annoying. Sometimes I would sit and listen to _For Your Entertainment_ over and over again. The album always made me cry and I never really understood why I tortured myself with his music but it was like alcoholism or smoking. Of course it was bad for you and slowly killed you, but you just couldn't stop!

"Really? That's… terrific," I said, keeping my head much like I had at Adam's sentencing hearing. I just… I couldn't look at the fallen angel. I was sure to break down sobbing…

"Yeah…" he muttered when a store manager came up, looking rather pissed. He was a bit red in the face and he growled at each of us.

"I hope one of you is ready to pay for all of this," he barked. Of course I was going to pay for it you ass hole, but I didn't get the chance to respond.

Adam stood at his full six foot two status and looked down at the manager. "I'll pay for it," he said, handing the man his credit card. My mouth fell open in awe. That was not a quality from the Adam that slapped me across the face and pushed me into a door, forcing himself inside of me… That was a quality I always saw in the man I loved so much. Sweet uncaring and willingness to do everything he could for the people he loved… God, Adam really wasn't all gone after all.

Adam offered me his hand once the manager had walked away and hesitantly I took it. His muscled arm pulled my small frame up from my knees and to my feet. Finally… finally I looked at his face again. He was still as sparkly and alluring as ever… Shit, I always swooned when I saw him and I still did! "Thank you," I said softly, unable to take my eyes off of his angelic face now.

A faint smile dances across Adam's freckled lips. "Drake… How… how've you been?" he asked me, his hand twitching and I wondered if he wanted to caress my face or slap it. I've met two very different Adam's and one of them almost killed me… The other was my gift from God…

"I… okay I guess," I said quietly. Why did Adam always make me so weak but so strong at the same time? "I've been with Tommy for a while now…"

"I know…" he muttered. That shocked me because I didn't see how he would possibly know where I was staying. Unless… Oh geez.

I didn't know what to say to that, but I couldn't take my eyes off of Adam's ocean ones. The only thing that snapped me out of my trance was Tommy tapping me on the shoulder. "Drake? You okay?" he asked me and I turned to him, nodding lightly. "Drake, go wait in the car. I'll be out in a minute, okay?" I nodded, walking away slowly. My emotions were running wild and I just couldn't stand in that haze of confusion. I could feel two sets of eyes on me as I walked away, then I heard Tommy start into a wild conversation starting with something like "What are you doing? You can't talk to him! He isn't over what happened!"

I know Tommy just wants to take care of me… In a way, Tommy was like my older brother or something, loving and protective without being in love with me. I sighed deeply, sinking into the cushion of the car. I wanted to sort out my emotions. How did I feel? I thought seeing Adam again would be scary, but it wasn't… It was like that demon who beat and raped me was only a nightmare and Adam was still the same, gorgeous man I fell in love with years ago…

Why did love hurt so damned badly?

Minutes passed in unbearable silence and finally Tommy came out of the store. He crossed over to the car and climbed into the driver's seat. "What happened?" I asked, looking at him. I wasn't entirely sure what his emotions were. His eyes didn't betray him like my eyes always did or like most people's eyes did…

"Don't worry about it. We'll talk about it later," he said in a definite, end of discussion tone.


	2. I've Missed You

**Chapter Two: No second chance to tell you how much I've missed you…**

**Adam's POV**

A year. I want to say it passed quickly, but it didn't. It never does. A year of heartache and shame. A year of longing and desire and wondering what had possessed me. A _fucking year_ without Drake in my arms at night or at my side when I was awake. A year without his love. A year without his smile, his laugh, his eyes, the way he said my name. A year without the one person I wanted and loved more than anything. A year without telling him how much I loved him and how much I wanted to be with him for forever.

It's amazing what a year makes you realize about your heart.

A year without recording music kind of hurt too. I couldn't leave the house and go to the studio, and there was no way in hell I was going to be able to build an attachment to the condo to make a studio. I may be rich, but I'm not that fucking rich. Not to mention I didn't really want to be around Monte and Cam and Isaac (Longineu left before the international Glam Nation tour, and Isaac was his replacement) and Tommy after what had happened. Especially Tommy. The only person I really wanted to be around was the one person I was told to stay away from and not contact for two years.

If there was one good thing though, it was that I made progress. My therapist told me that he's certain the reasoning behind my hurting Drake was my stress and sense of rejection. I'm not going to lie, I have pride and an ego. He said that it may or may not have gotten inflated during the tour, and the rejection I suffered from Tommy, in a sense, popped that ego and burned my pride. It made sense. But it didn't sound right. He then said it could also have been caused by any sadistic kinks I liked; that maybe I liked hearing Drake screaming and fighting.

I wanted to hit him. But I didn't. I was good. I held it back. That was the whole purpose of him being there. To help me get better. To help me not hit the love of my life.

And with all this, he told me things that I could do or use to hold back urges. Close my eyes, three deep breaths, and tell myself something that makes me calm or relaxed. A kind of… trigger word. Something that either someone can say to me or I can say to myself that'll help. Naturally, of course, my word is "Babyboo". It's my nickname for Drake. It's what I've always called him. Actually, one night, my therapist (purposefully) pissed me off. It was a test to see if the deep breathing and trigger word would help. So I tried it after he told me (three times) to try it. I'd closed my eyes, inhaled and exhaled deeply three times, before whispering to myself that word.

_Babyboo_…

The urge to hit him was gone, but I was still a little angry at him, just not nearly as much.

He'd said I'd made astounding progress. That was three months after the trigger test. He'd sent in a report to the judge, requesting that my house arrest be cut short and that I be allowed to leave my house and see people again. She told him in a sort of counter offer that I can leave my house, but I'm not allowed to talk to Drake for at least another six months. A year and a half without my Babyboo. I wanted to fight back and say it wasn't fair when my therapist told me about this, but he told me that I'd done so well, I could wait just another six months.

I agreed, though I wasn't happy about it.

Even with my new freedom, I didn't leave much. Only when I had to. Like for groceries and necessities. I'd called Monte and told him that my house arrest had been passed and that we'd be able to start recording again. I'd called Brad and Cassidy to tell them the news before I called Tommy. I can still remember the conversation I had with him that day…

"_Hello?" He sounded tired. I didn't blame him, it was almost one in the morning._

"_Hey, Tommy." _

"_Adam? What's up?" I gnawed on my bottom lip, crossing my legs under me on the couch and staring out the window of the condo. My ankle felt cold and free without the bracelet around it._

"_I'm not under house arrest anymore. Judge let me off early for making progress and being good. The therapist is still gonna see me twice a week, though." I told him. He sighed softly, and it sounded like exhaustion and relief. Tommy was often the person I would call and talk to, but our conversations never lasted more than maybe ten minutes at a time. Everything was short and to the point with us._

"_That's incredible." He told me, and I knew he was tired. I bit down on my lip again before asking._

"_H-how's Drake?" There was a bit of silence and he sighed again._

"_He's doing okay. Hasn't been up to much lately, just lazing around the house. He's sleeping right now with Snickers in his bedroom." I smiled._

"_And how's my puppy?" Tommy laughed._

"_Getting a little bigger every day, but he's still tiny and adorable." I laughed with Tommy for a moment, before telling him how great that was, followed by yet another silence that was bordering on uncomfortable._

"_He misses you, you know." I frowned, my heart slipping up into my throat._

"_Who? Snickers or Drake?" It was hopeful wishing but—_

"_Both." The tears began to well in my eyes…_

Whenever I called Tommy and asked about Drake, it was the same thing every time. "He's doing okay". I wasn't sure if I believed it or not, but it wasn't like I could ask the source. As much as I wanted to, I wasn't allowed. I would be violating the Judge's orders if I did, and I wasn't too keen in going back under house arrest or possibly prison. It just… Wasn't exactly appealing. Plus that would have been one fucking horrible phone call to make to everyone. Oh, hey, by the way, I'm under house arrest again because I can't fucking leave my boyfriend alone.

A month after the Judge had said I could leave, I actually did. I'd pretty much completely run out of food and was in desperate need to go out and buy more. I'd been neglecting it simply for the fact that I didn't want to run into fans or media and have them ask why I hadn't been around in over a year. Though the media had created their own stories, I didn't want them pressing for more. That was probably the nice thing about being under house arrest. My therapist, Brad and Cass had done all the shopping I needed. I'd pay them and they'd go out to buy what I needed.

Now I had to do it myself again. Great. I sound fucking pathetic.

I sighed, grabbing my coat and my keys before walking to the door. I gripped the handle for a moment, before stopping. What was I doing? I couldn't leave— no. Yes I could. I could because I wasn't under house arrest. Fuck, this would be hard to get used to. For the longest time, I had to stop myself from walking out the door. Now I have to push myself out of it because I'm so used to staying in. I ran my fingers through my hair (which had grown close to my shoulders at this point; I can tie it in a small pony tail) before gripping the knob again, and turning. I pulled the door open, stepping out and shutting it behind me before locking up my condo and crossing down to my car. I unlocked it and tossed my coat inside before slipping into the seat and shutting the door again.

I sat in the seat for a moment before starting the engine and pulling out of my parking spot. I swallowed the lump in my throat before driving forward down my street, through my neighborhood and towards the grocery store. I didn't listen to music. I rarely did anymore. Mostly I wouldn't have any interest in listening to upbeat or happy songs, and I'd play the songs that made me think about what a fool I'd been and how I'd hurt Drake. And then, while listening to those songs, I'd start to cry.

It was bad. So I just shut music out of my life.

I was vaguely aware of the fact that I was already almost half-way to the grocery store. Things had become to mechanic for me that I would space out while doing things. I remember, once, I was cooking dinner, and I totally blanked. I remember pulling things out of the fridge and then, as if a second later, I was sitting at the table and eating. I sighed, tightening my grip on the steering wheel of the car before turning into the parking lot of the grocery store. I parked near the front doors, slipping out and locking it up. I pulled my jacket over my blue, plaid shirt, the end hanging down around my skinny-jean covered thighs. Unfortunately, my jeans were baggy. I'd lost weight over the past year.

I had spells of days where I wouldn't eat, and then I'd eat maybe one or two meals for one or two days, and then I wouldn't eat again. Off and on it went like this. My therapist tried getting me to eat more, but I just had no will to do it. I wasn't hungry. Simple as that. I couldn't explain it though.

I didn't grab a basket. I figured I'd take a look around first, to see what interested me, and then I'd go back for one if necessary. I walked around at first, aimlessly and uninterested in everything that I looked at until I was walking down the cereal and peanut butter aisle. Hmmm, peanut butter… I grabbed a jar, tucking it under my arm before walking farther down. I grabbed a can of soup and a box of pop tarts. Really trivial things that wouldn't really do shit for me, but at least the therapist can see that I'm at least trying.

I wasn't paying attention, naturally. I was spacing for a moment, thinking about what would go on the next album when I bumped into someone (much smaller than me, mind you). My hands twitched and I dropped the items I was holding. Fortunately, there was no damage done. Just a dent in the soup can and I was sure my pop tarts would be a little crumbly. Oh well.

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry!" The smaller person (who was a man) said. I didn't look at him, but the voice sounded familiar. Hmm. I bent down, grabbing my stuff.

"No… no, it's alright. My fault." I told him before standing back up again. A gasp rolled off his tongue and he dropped his basket, beer and jelly shattering on the floor and making one hell of a foul mess. I frowned before my eyes widened. Short, brown hair, beautiful brown eyes, creamy skin and beautiful complexion. Utterly adorable, yet there was a kind of exhaustion around his eyes that made him look a lot older than he really was. My heart was hammering in my chest and for a second I forgot to breathe.

"Drake?" I whispered, and he seemed to shrink away a little as he dropped to his knees, furiously trying to clean up the glass and everything. I bent down next to him, setting my meager food aside and helped him pick up broken pieces and set them into the basket. The smaller pieces we couldn't managed, but we knew that someone would be around soon to help clean it.

"H-hi. W-what are you doing here?" I frowned a little, grabbing another piece gingerly.

"My house arrest was cut short… My therapist recommended that I be let out, though I still have to see him twice a week," I explained, trying to keep my initial shock and excitement at seeing him, as well as the fact that I was going against the Judge's orders. I technically wasn't supposed to see or talk to him for another five months.

"Really? That's… terrific." He said, but he kept his head down. He was avoiding looking at me, much like he had at my hearing. My heart ached and I wanted to reach out and just touch him. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair and hold him again, but I couldn't because that would frighten him and I would be in trouble. After… After everything that I had done to him, I was really surprised he was even talking to me right now.

"Yeah…" I said softly as I heard footsteps. I glanced up, seeing the store manager. His face was pudgy and red with irritation and he glared at the both of us for a moment before speaking.

"I hope one of you is ready to pay for all of this," he barked. His voice was shrill and nasally. Quite irritating, if you ask me. Drake looked like he was about ready to speak, but I'd stood up, pulling my wallet out of my back pocket. I was at least a good head and a half taller than the manager, and when I straightened my back, peering down at him, his pissed expression turned to that of fear.

"I'll pay for it." I said, handing him my credit card. He gaped for another moment before snatching my card and leaving in a huff. I sighed, turning and holding a hand out to Drake, who's jaw was dropped in awe. His eyes finally lifted to meet mine, and he seemed locked as he mumbled a soft "thank you", before taking my hand. It was warm, familiar and soothing in mine. This was all I'd wanted for over a year. Just to touch him and hold him again. I smiled slightly at him before letting go of his hand, though I really didn't want to.

"How… how've you been?" I asked him. Among the things I wanted to physically do, this was the one thing I wanted to ask. I wanted to hear, from him, how he'd been faring since… everything that had happened. Out of habit, my hand twitched. It was a side effect from the anti-depressants I'd been on and the therapy sessions I'd undergone. I would twitch from time to time, mostly in my hands. Drake looked down at my palm for a second, and I suddenly wished he hadn't seen it.

"I… okay, I guess." My heart plummeted a little. Was that the only answer anyone gave anymore? A simple "okay"? I inhaled slowly, willing myself to calm down. "I've been with Tommy for a while now…"

"I know…" I said, before I could stop myself. His eyes flashed back up to mine and he looked confused for a second. I bit down on the side of my lip for a moment, looking away from him for a second before looking back. I couldn't help it. I could feel him staring at me and I needed to look back. I hadn't seen him in so long, and I wanted to say that I was incredibly happy. And I was. But I was also still so ashamed at what I had done. My eyes shifted back and forth, and when I blinked I thought I saw the shadow of a bruise I'd left, but when I blinked again, it was gone. Just a trick.

My heart seized in my chest and I wanted to just pull him against me and tell him how fucking sorry I was and how much of an idiot I'd been and how much I just wanted him back. But I couldn't. Not for any lack of speech on my part or lack of courage, but for the fact that Tommy had appeared out of nowhere (fucking ninja), and was tapping Drake on the shoulder. Drake tore his eyes from mine and looked over at Tommy. Tommy asked if he was okay— which made my hand clench a little tighter around my soup. Of course he was okay…

Drake ended up leaving once Tommy told him to go back to the car. When he'd disappeared from the aisle, Tommy turned towards me, fury written across his face. "What are you doing here, Adam?" He asked me. I frowned at him for a moment.

"Shopping. Isn't that obvious?" I asked. He sighed.

"You know you're not supposed to talk to him. He's still not over what happened." He hissed at me, and I winced, feeling my hand twitch again. But, unlike Drake, Tommy didn't notice it. He was too bent on yelling at me.

"It was an accident. We quite literally ran into each other." I told him, glancing down at the jelly and beer mess that was still on the floor. No one had come to clean it yet. Tommy, too, glanced down at it before sighing heavily and running his fingers through his hair, before looking back up at me.

"I get that you're free to do whatever, but the Judge did say you weren't allowed to talk to him for another six months—" I glared at him.

"Tommy, it. Was. An. Accident. We bumped into each other, didn't exchange more than twenty words, I imagine. It's fine. Go about your business, and I'll go about mine." I told him, starting to brush passed him when he grabbed my arm and forced me to stop.

"Adam…" He sighed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped. It's just… I've been trying to get him out of the house for the past few months and I wasn't expecting his first trip out to include running into you…" I turned towards him, chewing lightly on my lip again.

"Well, life is full of unexpected things, isn't it?" My tone was, perhaps, a little cold, and I regret that, but I was ticked.

"Look, just… Give him a little more time before you try pushing yourself back into his life." Tommy said, and I swallowed the insult that was pooling in the back of my throat.

"I'm not trying to push into anything anymore. The last time I did that, I nearly killed him, and I have no intention of repeating that mistake." I said angrily, walking down the aisle after ripping my arm free of his grasp. I didn't want to talk to him. True, I'd made progress, but I still had a tendency of getting angry easily. I couldn't snap at Tommy. It wasn't fair. I just… I needed my Babyboo.

And after today, I wasn't sure that I could wait five more months.


	3. And It Always Comes Back To You, Baby

**Chapter Three: And It Always Comes Back to You, Baby…  
Drake's POV**

Sitting alone in Tommy's car was not good for me. This gave my mind room to wander and in wandering, millions of conflicted and battling emotions swarmed me like a school of piranha swarms an innocent soul would was unlucky enough to fall into their waters… Yeah, great comparison, I know. I'm a fucking genius in my spare time (so I must not have a lot of spare time, huh?)

I was happy in a way. Adam was released early for good behavior. Did that mean he really was getting better? That therapy really was helping him? And if so, that meant that he was returning to the Adam I fell madly in love with. And in realizing that my Adam might really be back, I felt sadness because I knew that I was probably never going to be with that man again. Even if Adam didn't completely hate me (which he didn't seem like he did but you never knew anything anymore) I did tell Tommy what he'd done to me and got him stuck in a pool of quick sand. Even if Adam did get past all of that, could I even think about getting past what he did to me? I mean… he raped me. Twice. And he hit me several times. He almost _killed_ me for the love of Rah!

Tears stung my eyes without me even realizing them. I was so concentrated on Adam and trying to sort out my own feelings, it just didn't occur to me that I was on the verge of crying. Yeah, it shouldn't be that much of a shock, considering I've produced enough tears over the last year to fill the Nile, twice.

Despite the tears, I felt a little bit of anger. At Tommy, at Adam, at the courts and Adam's stupid therapist, and even at myself. Tommy had forced me to go shopping with him in the first place, so he's the entire reason as to why I had to see Adam today. Adam was supposed to be under house arrest for another year! And even though I didn't want to see him put in jail, I did want him to at least be punished for what he'd done. Maybe this last year was punishment enough for him, I don't know but I just…. I can't believe he's already been let out. Anger at myself for being stupid enough to just stand there and talk to him. I knew I should have walked away. I knew I shouldn't have stayed with him for a second, let alone as long as I did. I'm the whole reason I'm battling these emotions right now! All because I couldn't walk away from my stupid, fame-loving, man-whore…. Beautiful, graceful and caring boyfriend…

Was I even his boyfriend anymore?

No, of course not, that's ridiculous. After everything that's happened? Surely not… No.

And how is it that I have two extremely different views of the same person? On one side, he's gorgeous, loving and my entire world. The man I fell in love with and still love with all of my heart and soul… On the other side he forced me to have sex with him. He was demanding and controlling and even devious. Not one ounce of compassion and mercy in his bones when he got violent. Adam seemed to be an angel that had been possessed by a creature from Hell…

So which Adam is he now?

Before tour, he was an angel. He was everything I ever wanted in a man. After tour, he was still an angel, but that demon clawed its way out every once in a while, so he was like a mixture. I did have to offer him some credit though. Not once had he been nothing but a demon.

"Drake?" Tommy's voice, along with his hand wiping tears off the side of my face, startled me out of my created world. "Drake, I'm so sorry… I didn't think you'd ever run into him. God, I'm sorry, but please don't cry. It's going to be okay," he whispered. Tommy really had taken on the Big Brother role quite nicely.

"Why didn't you tell me the judge let him out? Why…." I exclaimed, but my voice was nothing more than a whisper. "You could have told me that he was let off…"

Tommy bit his lip at that. I wasn't entirely sure, but I thought I noticed him getting nervous. "He… was instructed by the judge not to contact you for another six months. I didn't want to… stress you out or worry you or anything until he was actually allowed to see you and talk to you," he explained. I suppose I could understand where he was coming from. Really, he just wanted to protect me, but I was still upset.

"God damn it, Tommy, I'm not a fucking child, okay? You don't need to shelter me like I'm five years old! I expect you to tell me things like my boyfriend being let off house arrest. I understand you want to protect me, but I think I deserve for you, and everyone else, to be honest with me," I said, my tone a little harsher than I meant for it to be, but I was sick and tired of Tommy, Brad and Cassidy all treating me like I was some sort of fragile child that needed to be taken care of. I wasn't a child and I sure as hell didn't want to fucking be treated like one.

"Drake, I'm sorry… I really was just trying to keep you from getting hurt again, but I understand that maybe I shouldn't be so-"

"Overprotective?" I cut in and he frowned, nodding at me.

"Drake, that night… when Adam called me and said you wouldn't wake up, I thought you were dead. I would have never forgiven myself if I hadn't done more to help you before you went back home. I still beat myself up over it sometimes," he said to me, and I could see honesty in his chocolate eyes. Everyone said our eyes were the same but… I thought his were much prettier than mine.

I looked away, feeling ashamed. "Tommy… even after everything Adam did to me, I still love him. Is that fucked up?" I asked, biting my lip and fighting back tears. A gentle hand gripped my shoulder reassuringly.

"Drake, you'll never stop loving Adam. I know that… I think everyone knows that. If you didn't love him, you would have let him rot in jail for what he did to you," he muttered. "And no, I don't think it's fucked up. I think… well, never mind…"

"No… tell me," I said, turning my eyes back to his, only for him to look away now.

"I think Adam wants you back… He still loves you. He never stopped, just like you never stopped," he practically whispered.

"Oh yeah right," I mused, frowning slightly as another tear rolled down my cheek.

Tommy sighed deeply, turning the car on. "Drake, Adam doesn't hate you… He'll never hate you. I know that as fact."

"How?"

"Well… er…" He focused his eyes on his mirror so he could back out of the spot. Not that he really had to worry. He was parked so far away from the entrance, there were absolutely no cars this far out.

I wiped my cheeks angrily with the sleeve of Tommy's hoodie (which I stole from him out of the clean laundry basket) and frowned. "You've been talking to him haven't you? How long? And what all has he told you?" I asked, keeping my eyes transfixed on the blonde bass player.

Tommy cut me a guilty, sidelong look. "Yeah… I've been talking to him. He always asks about you. Wants to know if you're okay and if you hate him and stuff. I always tell him you're doing okay and that you don't hate him… Mostly because I know you. You don't hate Adam, you just hate what he did to you," Tommy muttered and he pulled out of the parking lot, heading in the direction of home. "I'm really sorry Drake. I didn't think we'd run into Adam…" His phone rang, and he answered it. Several 'really's and 'yeah, okay's were heard before he hung up. I just gave him a curious look. "That was work. They want me in today… so I'm going to drop you off at home and then head in. We can talk more later, okay?"

I just nodded. I was thinking a lot now and I wasn't much in the mood to talk, so I was actually thankful Tommy was taking me home. I hopped out once he pulled up to our apartment building and I waved goodbye before disappearing into the building. Snickers was still staring at the door when I came in. He was probably just waiting for me to come home, because he pounced on me as soon as I walked through the door.

"Hey there," I whispered to the pup and picked him up. "Kept the house nice and safe for me, didn't you?" Snickers only licked my cheek and I couldn't help myself. I laughed because he was just so damned cute.

"So… I got a little problem, Snickers. I saw Adam today and I… I really miss him… What do you think I should do?" I asked him. Yes, I know he's a dog, shut up, but just talking out loud helps me sort things out. Snickers only licked my face again. "Do you think I should actually talk to Adam? Give him another shot? Do you think he even still loves me?" Another lick to the face. "Do you miss him, Baby?" Another lick. "Do you think I should go back to him?" At that, Snickers barked and licked my face, leaving a long trail of dog saliva all over my cheek. Yeah I know, so attractive right? "Should I take that as a yes?" Once again, my face was greeted by the wet tongue of a little dog.

"This is all too much to process at once… I need to get my mind off of this for a while," I said, mostly to myself, but my puppy's ears stood up at that, and he looked at me with what I would swear was curiosity. "I need to just throw myself into something, like cleaning this filthy apartment. Tommy probably won't be happy, but this place is disgusting anyway." I set Snickers down and went in search for cleaning supplies.

Surprisingly, Tommy had quite a selection, but most of the products had never even been opened, so I got to work, going through the entire house (all but Tommy's bedroom that is. You could not pay me to go into that Hell hole) and cleaned absolutely everything until it shined. I swear to fucking God that even the carpet was shinning by the time I was finished!

But… the cleaning just wasn't enough. Sure, it looked better but it still needed more to look perfect, so I went about rearranging furniture and working with any supplies I could to give the apartment a complete face life. I even considered painting, but I had no way to get to a store for paint. However, when I was finished, the apartment was hardly even recognizable from the pig sty Tommy had five hours again. It was absolutely stunning (I'm gay, I can use words like stunning so get over yourself) and I was so proud of my accomplishment. In fact, I hadn't even thought of Adam or today at that super market the entire time I was cleaning. Of course, now I was thinking about him again and I was ready to pull my own hair out. Okay, maybe not because that would hurt like no other, but you get my point. I was going to drive myself crazy with thoughts of Adam and worse, I had no idea how to even deal with it! How could I just make the person I loved most in the world disappear?

Simple answer, I couldn't… Damn.

I felt like screaming, in fact, I did scream for about a second and a half. I just… I couldn't deal with these overwhelming thought of Adam. Every single image in my mind was Adam. His face, the way he used to touch me, the way we made love, how his hand felt when he back handed me across the face and how badly it hurt when he forced himself into me…

Damn it! I needed something else to occupy my time with. I needed to through myself into some sort of work so all I could think of was accomplishing that goal, but nothing would last forever and whenever I finished with my short term task, my mind would hop right back to Adam Fucking Lambert. I was literally going to drive myself insane or sick with thought of my boyfriend.

Weird how I never once referred to him as my "ex-boyfriend"…


	4. Without You, The Heart Yearns

**Chapter Four: Without you the heart yearns**

**Adam's POV**

Everything became mechanical again. After I left Tommy standing in the grocery store aisle, I blanked out. I only remember walking away and then arriving at my condo with three grocery bags filled with assortments of food that I had no memory of ever buying. Just fucking figured, didn't it?

But maybe none of that mattered. I still couldn't quite wrap my head around the fact that I ran into Drake again. My Babyboo… He looked okay; the same as always. But… His big, beautiful brown eyes that I'd missed so much were just short of vacant. There's was a spark of hope for life in them, but otherwise they were dead, and that… That hurt, seeing him like that. So detached from life in and of itself. I wanted to see them shine again. I wanted to see him smile again…

I wanted to kiss him and love him and tell him how sorry I was, but I doubted apologies would get me far. I mean… I nearly fucking killed him last year. I wouldn't be surprised if he lost all trust and faith in me. All love. I winced, feeling my heart seize in my chest a little. I couldn't imagine losing him, but I had already suffered a year without him. I couldn't… I couldn't forgive myself for what I had done and for a time I wondered if it would matter, really, to me if he could forgive me or not. For a time I believed I would have been surprised.

I'm not sure what I believe, really. Because after today nothing made sense. Between Drake telling me he was fine and then Tommy saying he wasn't ready… What was the answer? Was my Babyboo really okay? Were he and Tommy lying so… so I wouldn't get angry? All the times Tommy said he was fine— and now this? I sighed, carrying my groceries into the condo. The street was quiet; so was the house.

I shut the door with my foot, before staring at the empty space. It felt weird to come home and not see him. It felt weird not having our puppy, Snickers, racing up to me with a smile on his Pomeranian-fox face and tongue hanging out of his mouth. I smiled slightly to myself. I missed Snickers. I missed Drake. And as I stared at the living room floor, remembering him lying there, unmoving… No…

I shook my head, trying to shake the image. The images had been pretty good, but I guess, after seeing him, then everything was just acting up again. I stormed into the kitchen, dropping the bags onto the counter. I didn't want to deal with this. I turned, reaching for the cabinet that held the few bottles of wine I still had, but I stopped. The last time I drank wine, I hurt him. I dropped my hand. Fuck.

"Stop it, Adam. You had a simple conversation with him, and you're letting it act as if it's just gonna… fuck you over. You're fine." I told myself, before feeling my phone buzzing in my pocket. I sighed, pulling it out slowly and checking the front. It was my therapist. I bit down on my bottom lip. I was supposed to answer when he called, but I didn't feel like talking to him. No doubt he might have wanted to know what I did today, and if I told him that I saw Drake, he'd have to report it to the judge, even if it was accidental… I ignored it.

"Sorry, Doc," I muttered, pulling cans of soup, eggs, bread, and various other foods from the bags, placing them in their appropriate places. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to talk to anyone. My conversation with Drake and Tommy was still spinning in circles in my head like it was a fucking merry-go-round with clowns laughing at me. Awkwardly fucked up visual, I know.

I sighed heavily, before staring at one of the cans of soup that was sitting on the shelf, before pulling it back down. I wasn't really a soup kind of person, but it was the only thing that sounded good at the time. I set it down on the counter, bending over and opening a cabinet. I reached inside, pulling out a small pot and setting it, too, on the counter. I glanced at the can, seeing what else I would need. Water? Okay. Simple enough.

I set the pot on the stove, pulling on the metal tab on the top of the can. I pulled the lid away, turning and tossing it into the trash can that sat just off to the left of the refrigerator. I dumped the contents of the soup into the pot before crossing to the sink, pulling on the faucet and gathering water into the can. I shut the water off, turning and walking back to the stove, dumping it into the pot and turning the heat on high.

See? Mechanical. Not to mention incredibly boring.

I sighed heavily, leaning against the counter by the stove. I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I mean… I needed to talk to Drake. Alone. Have a real conversation with him. Tell him all the things I'd been wanting to tell him. Show him the songs I'd written— or tried to write— in the past year about him. I wanted him to know how… ashamed and sorry and guilty I felt… And… I wanted him to know how much I still loved him, even after everything I'd done and the year I spent unable to talk or see him.

I couldn't help it. My head was swimming with all kinds of things and I needed a glass of wine. Wine would— usually— calm me down if I was stressed. Better for me than cigarettes. So much better. I grabbed a glass from the dish cabinet before setting it down on the counter. I turned, walking across the kitchen and reaching up into the shelves for a bottle of wine. I pulled one down, popping the cork and walking back to the glass, pouring until it was about half full with deep red liquid. I shoved the cork back into the bottle, setting it down on the counter again before taking the glass up in my hand, lifting it to my lips and taking a long, slow drink.

I didn't even really get to enjoy my drink, for my phone buzzed again. I sighed, setting my glass down on the counter again before retrieving my cell from my pocket, glancing at the screen. This time, though, I didn't ignore it. I didn't hit reject. I smiled, pressing the TALK button and holding it to my ear, "Hey Mom." I said softly, glancing at my soup on the stove.

"Hi, sweetie." I opened a drawer, pulling a wooden spoon to stir my soup. I made one circulation, smiling slightly as I tucked my phone against my shoulder.

"How're you?" I asked her, making another circulation. I heard water running on the other line and I wondered for a moment if she was making dinner too. It wouldn't surprise me if she was…

"I'm alright. Your father and brother say hello." I frowned.

"Neil? I thought he was on vacation with his fiancée?" She laughed a little and I heard voices on the other end of the line.

"They decided to stop by before they go to their next destination. Well, it was Nina's idea more than anything, and your brother is her little bitch, so…" I couldn't resist the chuckled that tore itself from my throat. My mother rarely swore in that kind of context, and it was quite amusing that she would say something like that. On the other end I could hear laughter and someone— cough, Neil, cough— shouting at her about her remark. Only my family…

"Wow, Mom." I said after my little laughter died out. I couldn't… I couldn't really laugh anymore beyond a few little chuckles or a smirk. I just didn't… I just couldn't. "It sounds like you're all having a good time." I said softly, mindlessly stirring my soup. I heard shuffling and it sounded as if my mom was leaving the room. She probably wanted to talk a little more privately with me…

"We are, but we miss you too… But, I wanted to ask how _you_ were doing… after everything…" Yeah, I told her about what I had done. And that I couldn't explain why, but I was getting help. She supported me, as did my dad. Neil laughed about it at first but he was still somewhat— though negative, ha ha— serious, too. It didn't branch beyond that. It went to the band, my family, and that was really it. No one else knew.

"I… I'm okay." I told her. It wasn't a total lie. But it wasn't exactly truthful, either. Eh, whatever.

"Adam, honey, I know you better than that." She commented, and her end was much quieter. Yeah, she was in a different part of the house, I knew. "Did something happen today?" She asked, and I sighed, resting the spoon against the edge of the pot. It was starting to simmer and would be done in a few minutes.

"I— yeah… Yeah.. something came up today…" I told her quietly, though it really didn't matter considering I was the only one in the fucking condo. But whatever.

"What happened, baby?" I sighed again, licking my lips a little and leaning against the counter, letting the soup simmer slowly. I picked up my wine glass and took another drink before setting it back down, running fingers through my hair. I needed a shower. Badly.

"I… I ran into Drake and Tommy at the store today…" I said.

"Oh, dear." A sharp breath passed between my lips and I stirred my soup again before shutting off the stove entirely. It was done, now it just needed to cool. I ran fingers through my hair again, holding my phone with my left hand.

"Yeah. Like… Nothing happened. Drake and I… We talked, a little, and then Tommy came up and yelled at me for talking to him and saying how I wasn't supposed to and blah, blah, blah, blah." I rolled my eyes, waving my hand in the air as if she could see it, though I knew she couldn't.

"What did you guys talk about?" She asked as I pushed the pot off the burner.

"I told him my sentence was cut short. I asked how he was doing. He said he was okay, and then Tommy came up. We really didn't… say much, now that I think about it…"

"But it was a lot considering your situation." She said, and I sighed again.

"Yeah. Yeah it was. And technically, if my therapist finds out then he has to go to the judge and tell what happened, and then my quote-un-quote restraining order against him will probably be extended. And… Mom, after those brief words today… I don't know that I can wait another five months to legally be allowed to talk to him and see him again. I just don't know if I can." She sighed softly.

"Baby, you have. You have to wait it out. I know you miss him like crazy, but five months will disappear before you even know it. You've just gotta let time take its course." I bit down on my bottom lip, taking another gulp of my wine before deciding to drain the glass entirely. I felt thirsty and I just… I needed a drink.

"But, Mom, what if… What if he's found someone else? What if after five months I go to him and I find out that he doesn't want me anymore? What do I do then? Just accept it? Accept the fact that I was a fucking idiot who lost his mind and the love of his life?" I was getting angry and I wasn't meaning to. But before I could yell at my mom, there was a knock at the front door, and I sighed. "Look, I've gotta go. There's someone here." She sighed.

"Okay, sweetie. We'll talk more another time, alright?"

"Mkay." I said.

"I love you." I smiled slightly, but it felt forced.

"I love you too, Mom. I'm sorry I yelled at you." She laughed a little.

"It's okay, Adam. I'll talk to you later." Another knock.

"Bye, Mom."

"Bye." I shut off my phone, taking a deep breath and whispering a soft "Babyboo" to myself before walking through the condo towards the living room. Another knock. Sweet Mother of Rah, I'm coming, fuck. I curled a hand around the doorknob and turned, pulling it open and feeling my heart just stop in my throat.

"Drake…" I said, staring into his beautiful brown eyes…


	5. You Can Be a Sweet Dream

**Chapter Five: You Can Be a Sweet Dream Or a Beautiful Nightmare…  
Drake's POV**

Tommy came home about an hour after I'd finished my massive cleaning project. I'd taken a steaming hot shower, trying to distract myself from Adam again, but I just couldn't do it. I'd even reverted to talking to Snickers about it again and fuck did I feel like a crazy person… "Drake? What the hell happened in here?" he asked.

"I cleaned it…" I sighed, staring at the floor in front of me. I didn't even turn to look at Tommy, which must have concerned him because he walked over to me and knelt down right in front of me. At first he looked shocked at how clean his apartment was, but his expression quickly turned to sympathy and worry.

"Drake… what's wrong?" he asked, cupping my cheek in his hand.

I glanced into his eyes before looking back down at the floor. What could I say? The thoughts of Adam were leading me towards insanity? "W-what do you mean?" Sure, I could play dumb. It never worked in my favor. Ever. But I sure as fucking hell could attempt it (yeah, I've even been cussing more since Adam and I… 'broke up').

"Drake, you've got giant bags under your eyes…" he stated and I opened my mouth to respond but he shook his head, as if he could predict what I was going to say accurately. "Worse than normal… You're…. Drake, what's going on? Massive cleaning, extreme stress lines, that vacant look in your eyes? What's wrong?" I knew he was worried about me, but I really wished he wasn't because all of this was Adam. I couldn't stop thinking about him and everything that I missed about him… everything that made me fear him. Really Tommy, it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what would be causing my… condition.

My eyes couldn't focus on anything but the hard wood of the apartment. "Adam… Tommy it's Adam… I- I can't stop thinking about him… I just… I can't," I muttered, almost silently. I wasn't even sure Tommy heard it.

A sigh rolled off his lips and his other hand came up to cradle my face. "I had no idea seeing him would affect you like this… Drake, I want to help you. I want to make things better for you, but you need to talk to me so I know _how_ to help you. Please Drake…" That's when the waterworks came… I started crying and on top of that, I wasn't sure about his tone, but there was something in it that just didn't sound right for Tommy. Maybe it was just my insanity but it just seemed off…

"Tommy, I can't stop thinking about him… I love him so much. I miss him so much but he… He _raped_ me and almost _killed_ me… But I can't stop seeing his face. I can't… I can't keep my mind off of him but I don't want to think about him anymore! I just can't deal with this and if I'm not doing something, I'm thinking about him. He's like a drug that I can't stop… God, Tommy, I don't know what to do!" Of course, the actually speaking was chopping and full of stuttering due to sobs, but Tommy seems to understand. In fact, he looked extremely guilty, probably because he felt it was his fault I ran into Adam. Yeah, it was, but I wasn't going to tell him that.

To my surprise, Tommy hugged me. "I'm sorry… I never meant for you to run into him… But I had no idea who'd take it this hard. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better." He sat down next to me and pulled me against him, holding me against his small frame (we were much closer in size then say, me and Adam, but I was still a little taller than him).

Snickers sat at our feet, looking up at me with worry written all over his cute little fox face. It was fucking amazing how smart dogs really were, especially my dog. He whined and pushed his nose into my leg. "Snickers… Snickers told me to go back to him…" I muttered. Yup, I did feel like a moron for telling Tommy that, but look at how pathetic I was already. Crying in the arms of a straight man because I can't get over my crazy ex-boyfriend…

"What the fuck, Drake? You're _dog_ told you to go back to him?" Thanks Tommy, that made me feel so much better…

Irrational anger dissolved into my blood stream and I angrily wiped the tears off my face. "Yes, my dog told me to go back. He even licked my face to emphasize his point!" Fuck I really did sound like a crazy person… And in all seriousness? I probably could have gone to a psychologist and been diagnosed as crazy. Maybe that judge needed to sentence me to therapy twice a week too… Probably more than twice a week, actually…

"Drake, your DOG told you to go back to the person he saw beat and rape you?" he exclaimed and I sighed heavily.

"Yeah, Tommy. Keep up with what I'm telling you please… I said that already," I muttered, new tears forming in my eyes. Please to whatever higher power there is, will you stop letting me cry so damned much…

Tommy sighed, pulled me closer to his body. "I'm sorry Drake, it's just… You guys are my friends and I don't want to see anything bad happen to you guys. We've already gone through that once." And cue the waterworks.

"How long have you been talking to him, Tommy? What has he told you?" I asked, stuttering through my tears. Did I ever mention how much I hated crying and how much I hated being upset? Well, if I haven't, I'm saying it now, because being upset fucking sucks and I hate it…

Silence filled the room for a long time. It wasn't too difficult to figure out that he didn't want to answer my question, but he was fucking going to answer me. "We… we never stopped talking… He was beating himself up over what happened. He never stopped saying he would never forgive himself for what he did to you… He always asked me how you were doing and how Snickers was doing. I never told him anything except that you two were doing ago. We… we've kept in touch but I haven't seen him since the trail…" He stopped talking for a while, maybe thinking or debating on if he should continue. "But I do know he misses you like crazy, Drake. He… loves you so much," he whispered after a chunk of silence. His tone was still kind of off but I couldn't understand why I thought so…

For some reason, the statement "he misses you like crazy" really pissed me off. "Right, I'm sure he does because he missed me so damn much when he went on tour. He missed me so much that he decided to make out with his bass player and ask him out while we were supposed to be dating," I hissed. Okay, I didn't mean to make that sound so mean and I didn't have anything against Tommy for that because it wasn't his fault, but I was bitter about it… "I'm sure he doesn't miss me after I had him put under house arrest.

"That isn't true! He missed you like crazy on tour, Drake. Every time we'd talk, you came up and he would get this sad, longing look on his face. When he asked me out… he was drunk. I told you there wasn't anything between us…" he whispered, rubbing my arm gently.

"So he just got through his depression about being away from me with your face?" I asked.

"He… No, how could you think that?" Tommy asked as if he had no idea.

Gravity pulled my lips into a huge frown. "Ge, I fucking wonder. Making out at every single show? Fans obsessing over 'Adommy' and how fucking perfect you two were for each other?" I said, once again, bitterly. I hated this bitter feeling but… how could Adam do that to me and then come home and demand my love again? Why am I so bipolar, because five minutes ago, I wanted to go back to him because my fucking dog told me to. And why am I using the word fucking so much tonight? Damn it…

"It was just fan service. It didn't mean a damned thing to us… We were just making the crowds happy," he retorted, almost snorting.

"But he asked you out…" I muttered miserably. Ha ha, I am in misery! There ain't nobody who can comfort me, oh yeah!

"Drake… he was drunk that night. He didn't know what he was doing…" Tommy said, almost pleading with me.

"People say the truth comes out when you're drunk off your rocker…" I stated flatly. That's when Tommy let go of me and stood up. His eyes were blazing, and I couldn't really understand what emotion it was or even why he looked so… passionate.

He put his hands on his hips (like a true gay man) and frowned at me. "Drake, why can't you forget what happened like a year and a half ago and realize he doesn't love me. He wants you. He fucking loves you and he wants you back. He's crazy about you… Why can't you see that?" he asked.

I looked away, not wanting Tommy's chocolate eyes to see any more of my emotions behind my plain brown eyes… "Because… I… I think it might be stupid to go back to him. I mean… look at what he did to me," I muttered helplessly. That's what it all came down to. I stilled loved Adam so much… and from what Tommy has just told me, I gathered that he still loves me too but could I get over what he did to me?

A tiny smirk danced across Tommy's surprisingly girly lips (must have been from making out with Adam so much). "Snickers told you to do it," he said and I couldn't actually tell if he was teasing me or being serious.

"Yeah, and apparently so are you, but I think Snickers might be a little smarter than you, my friend," I said and actually laughed just a little.

He joined in on the soft laughter with a little chuckle of his own. "That very well might be the case, but unfortunately for Snickers, he can't talk," he said, his hands falling away from his hips.

"Unfortunately…" I chuckled slightly. "So…" I began after another moment of silence. "Do you really think I should go back to him?"

Tommy studied me with his chocolate eyes and there was something in them besides the need to help me. Some sort of hunger I couldn't quite place, but I tried to convince myself that my mind was playing tricks on me, which really wouldn't be that hard to believe lately.

"I'm going to leave the when up to you, but yes… I think you love him too much not to be with him… He's changed. He's better…" he muttered, taking his place next to me on the sofa again.

"You just wanna get me out of your apartment don't you?" I asked.

His eyes wandered around the room, as if evaluating my redecoration job. "Not at all… I just want to see you happy again, and I know you aren't going to find that by staying in my shitty ass apartment all the time. Though… now it's actually kind of nice," he said, his eyes lingering on the cleaned carpet of his apartment (I'd managed to get all of the stains out). "I'm also kind of tired of listing to him sobbing at two in the morning because you don't talk to him or anything…"

"Well… I can see how that would get on your nerves really quickly…" I muttered, though I couldn't imagine I was much better to listen to then Adam because I cried a hell of a lot too.

"Exactly, so go get your man back, Drake," he said, giving me a light nudge of the shoulder.

"I… But… Okay…" I muttered, getting up automatically and walking to the door. I pulled my coat of the rack (it was actually a light jacket that Adam had bough for me…) and Tommy's keys out of our little key bowl thing. I didn't have a car, so I was going to take Tommy's because there was absolutely no way in hell I was walking all the way to Adam's condo from here. The drive was about twenty minutes but if I had walked, it would haven taken me well over an hour. Probably a lot longer than that… But once I reached his condo and parked on the street, I couldn't really get out of the car. I was scared and I really did just sit there for a long time.

Eventually I did get out and I wandered up to his door, hesitating slightly before actually knocking. His car was under the cover, right next to where mine used to be parked every night, so he had to have been home. I knocked again because he was taking an awfully long time… I thought maybe he didn't hear me. But after another minute I had to knock again. God Adam, come on… I know it doesn't take that much to hear a knock inside this condo.

Almost immediately after my third knock, the door opened and the beautiful blue eyes I loved so much were wide with shock. "Drake…" he muttered, like he couldn't believe I was really standing in his doorway. Really, I was finding it kind of hard to believe myself…

"Hi Adam…" I mumbled. He stepped aside and ushered me in just out of curtsey, I entered the condo. It felt weird to enter a place I used to live in… Once inside, my eyes fell on the pretty, polished hardwood floor. The spot where I had fallen after Adam pushed me… My stomach did a little flip and part of me was terrified that I was actually going to end up in the same position on the floor only nobody would help me then…

"Do you… want something to drink or some food or something?" he asked me, looking at me with a little bit of worry in his eyes.

I bit my lip and forced myself to look away from that spot… "No, no thanks. Adam, you don't have to offer me stuff like I've never been here before. I… came because I…" I bit my lip again. Rah, I was not fucking having this conversation with my ex-boyfriend. My boyfriend… My, fuck I don't even know what he is! "I miss you and I… I can't stop thinking about you, Adam," I mumbled. I didn't want to tell him that but I needed to. He had a right to know if I was completely and totally in love with him or not, right?

The tiniest hint of a smile spread across his freckled lips. "I… fuck, Drake I miss you so much…" he whispered, his right hand lifting slightly. I automatically flinched away and his hand fell back down to his side. "But… you don't trust me at all…" He sounded disappointed and I felt bad for flinching but the last time he raised his hand to me, he back-handed me across the face.

"Can you really blame me after… everything that happened?" I asked quietly, half expecting to get hit. That didn't happen. Instead, Adam's gentle hand was on my cheek, his thumb gently drawing a circle into the skin.

"I can't blame you for anything, Babyboo…" he whispered, closing the little bit of distance between us. "All of it was my fault. Every single this and you didn't do anything wrong… I wish I could take it back. I wish I could make things better but the one thing I can do it tell you how much I love you… I… love you so much, Drake. I've only wanted to tell you that in person for a year and how sorry I was…"

"Adam…" I bit my lip, closing my eyes for a moment. This was so much to digest and I felt really light headed. "I'm afraid, Adam, but I miss you so much…" I murmured softly. "I miss you so much it hurts…"

Silence, one again, filled my life for a moment. After that moment, strong arms wrapped gently around much waist and pulled me a bit closer to the larger frame. "I miss you too, Drake," he whispered into my ear. I couldn't help myself… I put my arms around his neck and our lips met in a gentle kiss. It was loving but not passionate, yet it spilled emotions we'd both been dealing with alone for a long time…. And God did I miss this kiss and this embrace…


	6. Time Just Seems to Fly

**Chapter Six: Time just seems to fly, but the memories remain**

**Adam's POV**

My hands were trembling at my sides and I stood up slowly, feeling my heart pounding in my chest. There were a variety of things going through my head; all of which were, fortunately, good. Between last week, when Drake showed up to my apartment and told me that he still loved me and thought about me to now… True, we hadn't really spent any good, quality time together, but that was because of the restraining order against me. But… That's why we were here.

We'd made the appointment with the judge to get the order lifted, to effectively allow me, legally, to see Drake again. It was his decision, not mine. He was the one who brought it up. He knows that I love him and that I want to make things better— this was his way of saying he wants to make things better, too. So we called my therapist, told him what was going on, and requested the soonest appointment with the judge that we could manage.

So we were here. Finished. The order had been lifted and I still couldn't stop shaking from the… relief and the euphoria that I was feeling. Drake came up to me and smiled, taking my hand in his and pulling me towards the doors of the small hearing room. My heart was still thrashing up in my throat and I glanced back over my shoulder at my therapist and the judge. They decided that I would still have my therapy sessions for another six months, just to make sure.

But I was allowed to see Drake again. Legally. My hand tightened around his and I smiled down at him, walking next to him and out of the room. The weight on my shoulders was gone and I felt more at ease than I had been in a really, really long time. Part of me wanted to lift him into my arms and beg him to come back and live with me. But another part of me said no— he's probably not ready for that. I'd let him come to the decision if he wanted to move back with me.

We walked out of the courthouse and out into the parking lot. It was probably only quarter after one in the afternoon, and so there weren't very many people out and about. Once again, we were safe from being bombarded by paparazzi, and we were able to slip to my car rather easily. I climbed into the driver's seat as he got into the passenger. I shut the door, sighing softly and staring at the wheel. I could see out of the corner of my eye that he was looking at me, and I turned my head in time for him to lean forward and kiss me gently.

The moan was probably a little too loud, but I couldn't help it. My hand lifted slowly and I cupped his face in my palm, pulling him closer to me. Our lips made soft clicks and pops, our tongues slick against one another's. I pulled away, pressing a soft kiss against his lips one more time before sliding back into my seat. He retreated back to his, his face red and a smile on his face.

I pulled out of the lot and drove down the streets of Los Angeles, no real destination in mind, but I thought of something that would be nice. A small smile touched my lips and I turned the wheel, breaking off of the highway and taking an exit south, heading more to a quiet, suburban area of Los Angeles. The stereo was silent as ever, but I didn't really notice it. Music faded from my life; maybe with these changes it'd come back again. I could start working more actively on the album…

"Where're we going?" Drake asked after a moment, his head turned towards his window. He was watching the houses and children pass by. But I had my mind set on a place; perhaps childish, but I wanted it to be special.

"Somewhere." I told him, turning the wheel and turning onto a different street. I could see it at the end; the grass, the plastic, the chains. The playground. And I knew he could see it too because, at first, he frowned, but then as we pulled in closer the frown stretched into a soft smile. I was smiling myself as I pulled up to a small spot by the sidewalk and killing the engine, pulling the keys out and shoving them into my pocket before opening the car door. Drake opened his door, sliding out and shutting it again as I locked it tight. His eyes were on the playground, which was surprisingly empty of children. There were a few in the sand, but that was it…

"Wow, Adam…" He said as I came up beside him, wrapping an arm around him. "You're so damn cheesy." He commented and I laughed, tightening my hold.

"You like it." I said softly, kissing his forehead before looking down at him. "Race you to the swings?" I could barely finish the question before he took off running the forty or fifty meters towards the swing set. I laughed, rushing after him. My legs were longer, which gave me an advantage, and because I'd had nothing better to do under house arrest, I ran on a treadmill almost daily (which put me into some pretty damn good shape). I easily surpassed him, skidding to a stop in the woodchips and barely out of breath whilst Drake was panting and laughing, holding his sides.

"You ass!" He shouted and I threw my head back, laughing. I hadn't laughed or smiled this much in so long… It actually hurt, but in a good way. But it died out, perhaps too soon, but Drake didn't seem to notice as he sat down on a swing to catch his breath. I smiled, walking around behind him and grabbing the chains above his hands. He turned his head to face me, a little confused until I began to pull him back.

"Whoa, Adam!" He laughed as I pushed him forward, staying back to keep pushing him, higher and higher. He was squealing with laughter, his head thrown back. I couldn't stop staring at him.

Just a week ago, I bumped into him for the first time in over a year… Since I nearly… I shook my head a little, trying to shake away the memory that was creeping up behind my eyes. True, he said he was still scared, but you wouldn't be able to tell by the look on his face now. He was happy, carefree… I, for a moment, forgot about the past year. It was as if I'd never done what I did. Never hurt him. Never even went on tour.

I've missed this.

I reached up, grabbing the chains and sliding through the woodchips, bringing Drake to a stop. He laughed, turning his head towards me in time for me to lean down and catch his lips gently. He froze for a moment, and I feared that I'd done something wrong by kissing him, but he relaxed, kissing me back. He was still a little shaken around me, and I didn't blame him in the least for that.

My hand cupped his cheek gently as my tongue split the seam of his lips, diving slowly into his mouth. He moaned, and I could feel his hand running through my hair, tangling itself into it. I shivered, kissing him harder. Tremors were running down my spine and he pulled harder on my hair. My eyes squeezed shut and I had to fight the burning want that was boiling in my stomach. He… He wasn't ready for that. I mean… Even I wasn't ready for that, but there was no stopping the natural desire.

We broke away, breathless for a moment as my thumb traced circles into his cheek. His skin was soft, smooth as it had always been. I kissed him again, smiling slightly before hearing his phone go off. He groaned, reaching into his pocket and pulling it out, staring at the screen for a moment. I frowned at him and he motioned a 'one moment' thing to me, answering the call and holding it to his ear.

"Hello?" He said. I could hear a muffled voice, but I couldn't tell who it was. "I'm out with Adam." He continued, looking down at the woodchips. I licked my lips a little, gripping the chain and using it to support me as I stared down at him.

"I'll be home soon, okay?" Tommy. I should have figured. "Alright, bye." He said, hanging up and sliding his phone back into his pocket. He looked up at me, smiling apologetically.

"Tommy needs me back at the apartment. Apparently Snickers is being a whining pain." I chuckled, smiling slightly.

"How is our little pup?" I asked as he stood up from the swing, dusting himself off.

"He's not quite so little anymore, but he's doing great." Drake said, before looking up at me. "He misses his daddy, though." My heart pounded in my chest just a little more, and I sighed softly.

"I miss him, too." I said, letting go of the swing and walking next to Drake, heading back to the car. I didn't really want this day to end, but he was needed elsewhere, and as it was, I had things I had to take care of. I needed to call Monte and make arrangements about working on the next album. True, I'd made progress while still touring, but all my work had come to a stop in the last year because of everything that had happened. It was time to get back into it. More than my own personal issues, I needed to keep myself on my feet. The sales from the first album and the tour were still in good number, but I didn't want to rely on it.

My hands were at my sides when I felt Drake take my right in his left. I smiled down at him, willing the tears away. I would never cease to be amazed that he still loved me after what I did to him. Between kissing Tommy on tour to… hurting him, my Babyboo still wanted me? Damn, I was lucky to have him…

I unlocked the car, sliding in as Drake did, and I started the engine again. I didn't want to take Drake back to his apartment, but I knew that I had to. I couldn't keep him to myself; that wasn't fair. I pulled out from the parking spot and rolled down the street, one hand on the wheel, the other clasped with Drake's hand.

"We should do this again, sometime." He said softly, and I glanced over at him for a moment before looking back to the road, my heart hammering in my chest.

"Whenever you want to, just call me up, Babyboo." I said, smiling at him before pulling onto the highway, heading towards the apartment.


	7. So the World Will Never Find You

**Chapter Six: Hide Your Face (feelings) So the World Will Never Find You…  
Drake's POV**

"You're going out with him again?" Tommy asked, looking at me from the couch. He'd been acting kind of weird ever since I went to see Adam. When he called me during that date about Snickers and I came home, Snickers was fine. Asleep actually. I almost doubted he was even being a pain to Tommy at all... I didn't really understand Tommy lately. Why was he acting so strange?

"Yeah... why? He's... my boyfriend after all. Why wouldn't I be going out with him, Tommy?" I asked, turning from the mirror I was looking in to Tommy. "Why are you making it sound like a bad thing that me and Adam are together? I thought you _wanted_ me to go back to him?"

Tommy bit his lip and he was avoiding looking in my direction. "I did... I mean I'm happy you guys are moving on and trying to make things work again but you go out with him like... every single night. You're never home anymore..." he said, frowning at me.

"Jealous much? Geez, Tommy. You complain about me being in the house too much and now that I'm not, you're still complaining?" I asked, frowning a little. Could Tommy be anymore bipolar? A light pink color rushed across Tommy's face and I sighed, sitting down with him. "Alright, what's up? Why are you so... emo all of a sudden?" I asked and Tommy scoffed.

"I am so NOT emo," he hissed, frowning at me and I sighed. God he's so bipolar... "I just, I mean we had fun just chilling and stuff but now we never get to because you go out for your booty calls every single night," he said, his eyes finally meeting mine.

"Tommy, Adam and I aren't even having sex… He's been very… respectful of how I feel about sex. I'm _not_ going out for a booty call every night," I said firmly, sitting down next to the blonde. "But if this is really bothering you that much… We can go see a movie or something tomorrow. Isn't there some new slasher movie out that you want to see or something? We can go see that." I wasn't a huge fan of horror movies, mostly because they were all the same with the bad guy just in a different mask, but they could be fun sometimes.

Tommy eyed me. "You hardly seem like the type of person who would like horror movies, Drake," he said. "I mean, Adam was always a baby when it came to horror movies and, don't take this the wrong way or anything, but you don't seem nearly as… tough as he is."

I frowned, rolling my eyes. "Yeah, he's stronger than me physically but believe it or not, I can stomach a lot of movies and shit that Adam can't. Adam freaks out at haunted houses. I love haunted houses. I don't get physically ill when I watch someone get killed like Adam does." I sat down next to him and looked down at the blond. "But if you're too afraid… I mean, we can always find something else to go see. I think there's a movie out about dogs right now…" He punched me in the arm.

"Oh, I'm not afraid. I was just worried about your virgin mind," he teased and it was my turn to punch him.

"Is this what's been upsetting you? You've just been missing me?" I asked and he nodded, almost sheepishly. "All you had to do was tell me that, Tommy. I like hanging out with you… you're like, my best friend. I love you. You know that." There was a slight shining in Tommy's eyes but he wasn't looking at me again so I really couldn't figure out what emotions were playing behind his beautiful, chocolate eyes. I still didn't see how my eyes were anything like his… But people still told me that mine were just as pretty.

He laughed after a minute of silence and he finally looked at me again. "I love you too, Man. I'll find out about show times and stuff for tomorrow. You go have a nice night out with your man," he said, giving me a light push with a big, fat grin on his face. He looked happy but something about it seemed almost… forced. I sighed softly.

"Alright, sounds good. Hey, and eat something besides cheese and crackers tonight. Want me to bring you something?" I asked and he just shook his head, giving me another push.

"I'll be fine. I can hear the roar of Adam's engine outside. Don't keep him waiting." It was actually true. You could hear Adam's car from the inside because his sport car's engine was just so powerful… It was a little overkill for a car, but whatever. I wasn't paying for it, so I wasn't going to complain about it.

I got up and took my jacket off the coat rack. "I'll be back late. Night, Tommy. Snickers has already been feed, so you don't have to worry about him tonight but if he wants to play, for God's sake just play with him for a few minutes, okay? He's still a puppy in that respect," I said. "Call if you need anything." Tommy smiled and me and nodded. With that, I turned and left the apartment with my jacket folded over my arm, my phone safely in my right hand pocket and my wallet tucked neatly into my back pocket.

I walked the few flights of stairs down to the ground floor and I walked outside. Adam was walking up to the front door of the apartments and he was staring down at his phone. He must not have seen me because he almost plowed me over. "Adam, I'm right here," I said, putting my hands on his chest to keep him from walking right into me and knocking me over flat on my ass.

A startled look rushed across his face before his ocean eyes actually fell on me and he seemed to instantly relax. "Oh, hi Boo. I was just coming up to get you… How did you know I was here?" he asked, leaning down and kissing me gently. I froze for a second, but then kissed him back. I felt bad, but I was still a little nervous around him…

"Anybody could hear your car from a mile away," I said against his lips after a moment of nothing but kissing. He chuckled, kissing me again and wrapping his arm around my waist.

"Now, I can't take my baby out in just any old car," he said, chuckling again. He kept his arm around my waist and lead me over to the sleek, inky black car. In reality, it reminded me of Adam's hair… "So how is my baby on this fine evening?" he asked, opening the passenger's door for me to slip in.

I climbed into his car, smiling at him in the dim lighting. "I'm doing pretty good. Tommy's acting really strange though," I said once he was in the driver's seat. He started the engine and looked over at me.

"What do you mean? Is he okay?" he asked, looking a little worried. Part of that annoyed me because… well I was still a little jealous of Adam and Tommy while they were on tour. I know that Tommy didn't really love him, but Adam did ask him out once, and sometimes it really just got to me. I tried not to let that jealousy show though. It was irrational. After all, I was the one going out with Adam every night…

"He's… I don't really know. He kind of got upset that I was going out with you again. He said we never hang out anymore because I'm always with you…" I said. Now that I was actually saying it to someone else, it seemed really weird. Tommy was the one who convinced me to patch things up with Adam and now he was upset because I was going out with Adam a lot? He'd even used a stupid excuse to get me home (telling me Snickers was being a whining pain).

Adam raised an eyebrow as he pulled out of the parking lot. "What do you mean? Is he like… jealous?" he asked, looking over at me for a second. I frowned, looking out the window for a minute.

"I really don't know, Adam… He's just… I think he's lonely," I said, frowning a little. "I mean… He hasn't had a girlfriend in a long time and he was used to living with someone who didn't have a partner either. Now that we're back together again, I just think he feels more alone then he did when I wasn't seeing you. We… grew kind of close over the year. He's just been taking really good care of me and he's used to me being around every night. I don't think it's that he's jealous exactly… just bored and alone."

Adam pouted a little and took my hand in his. "Do you want to stay home tonight? You won't hurt my feelings or anything…" he said, though he sounded like he would be extremely upset and/or disappointed if I really did tell him I wanted to stay home.

"Oh, no baby, that's okay. I promised Tommy I'd go to the movies with him tomorrow." I looked over at him, and he seemed to be slightly jealous by that. "Baby, it's just a movie. It's not like we're going to be making out in the back row or anything. We're just friends. You know that."

He smiled a little. "Baby, I'm not jealous of you and Tommy. I know you two are just good friends. I can't expect anything less than that considering everything Tommy's done for you over the last year. I can't thank him enough for taking care of you… and I suppose I really can't be selfish and keep you all to myself, no matter how much I want to." That jealous look disappeared and he smiled, chuckling again. "As long as he's not grabbing your ass or something."

I blushed lightly, looking out the window again. "He's straight, Adam, and we've got no one to entertain, so I don't think you have too much to worry about," I said, giving his hand a light squeeze for emphasis. "So… where are we going anyway? You never told me," I said. He was probably keeping it a secret to surprise me, even though he knew I hated surprises…

"I'm taking you out to dinner, but I'm not tell you where we're going, so don't ask," he said, smiling mischievously at me. It wasn't sexual, more like teasing and alluring.

I pouted at him. "Adam, you know I absolutely hate surprises… I hate them," I insisted.

"You'll like this one, baby," he said, smiling at me. I sighed, figuring there was no way I was going to win this, I wouldn't exactly call it a fight, but I wouldn't win either way… Adam was intent on taking me to wherever and that's where I was going to go.

We drove a to the other side of town and after about twenty minutes, I wondered where we were going. When Adam pulled up into a large, expensive looking restaurant, I almost, almost started shouting at him. He parked and got out of the car, walking over to my door and opening it for me. "Come on, Baby."

"Adam, no. I can't believe you brought me to a place like this… I… You know I can't stand when you spend obnoxious amounts of money, especially on something like food…" I said, crossing my arms over my chest. I know I sounded mean but it wasn't just with Adam. With every guy I've ever dated, I hated when they spent a lot of money on me. Part of that was probably because I couldn't afford to do the same for them…

Adam frowned and took my hands into his, pulling them towards him. "Baby, I know… I know you don't like it, but sometimes you should let people treat you to something nice. I mean… sometimes you deserve to be treated like a prince, cause that's what you are to me," he said, locking his eyes onto mine. My mouth fell open in shock. Adam had always been sweet and cutesy with me… But he'd never said anything like that to me before.

"I… Adam, how am I supposed to say no if you say something like that to me…?" I asked, pouting a little but he just smiled at me and kissed my pouting lips.

"Just let me treat you like the prince you are. Just once, okay?" he asked, putting his arms around me and helping me out of the car. I sighed, putting my head against his shoulder and I surrendered to him, just for one night. How could I say no if he treated me so well?


	8. Discover Enlightenment Holding Your Hand

**Chapter Eight: Discover enlightenment holding your hand**

**Adam's POV**

I guided Drake up towards the front doors of the restaurant. I knew that he hated it when people spent money on him, but, come on, I'm his boyfriend. I think I'm entitled to do it as least once or twice for our relationship. And besides, it was incredibly cute when he sat in his seat, pouting that I'd brought him out here. It made my heart clench and my stomach flutter just a little, because that action reminded me of just how much our relationship hadn't change. For a moment, it was as if nothing had… gone wrong.

For a moment, anyway.

Taking him through the doors, I couldn't help but to wonder about what he'd said about Tommy. That he was lonely? Missing Drake? All together possible. But something about the way he'd said it made me a little on edge. Whatever. I knew that I would probably have to talk to Tommy himself about that— come on, he's my best friend. Been so for a few years now— but now wasn't the time. Now was a night for me to enjoy a fantastic dinner with my Babyboo…

_My _Babyboo. I thought I'd never have him back…

We stepped up to the front podium where a hostess was standing, checking something on her computer. She has thick blond hair that hung around her face in delicate, neat curls, a small black bow tucked just above her ear. She had a pale complexion, porcelain-like that reminded me of Tommy a little bit. She wore a white blouse with a black vest over it and black trousers. She glanced up at us, smiling. Her smile was crystal white and her eyes a shining emerald. If she recognized me, she didn't show it. Drake and I smiled at her, saying soft "hello's".

"Table for two?" She offered and I nodded once. She smiled again, grabbing the menus from a side pocket of the podium, and motioned for us to follow her towards the back of the restaurant. The floors were polished hardwoods, the walls a soft cream color. Pillars were planted from floor to ceiling, carved with fine detail work. The ceiling was adorned with scattered chandeliers, each softly alight to give the whole place a romantic glow. Gentle jazz music was being played, though the source of the sound seemed to come from everywhere.

She led us to a small booth tucked in a, more or less, private corner. I'd have to tip her extra for this. She set our menus down on the table as Drake and I took our seats across from each other. She said something about how our server would be around shortly to take our order for us, and we thanked her before opening our menus to take a glance inside. She turned and left to go back to her station, leaving us in silence with one another.

I don't think we'd even looked at the menus for five seconds before Drake set his down and folded his hands on top of it. I frowned, folding my closed for a moment and tilting my head to the side, frowning slightly. He looked uncomfortable. I reached out, taking one of his hands with mine, stroking the back of it with my thumb. He sighed softly, looking up at me.

"Baby?" I asked him. He blinked, shaking his head a little.

"Adam… the cheapest thing I saw on the front page of the menu— which happened to be appetizers— was thirty dollars." He looked up at me, looking really uncomfortable. "You don't have to treat me like royalty if it's gonna punch a hole into your bank account…" He said softly and I just smiled, shaking my head a little.

"Baby, don't worry about it. I've got it covered." I whispered, bring his hand up to my lips and placing a small kiss on the back of his palm. Drake blushed lightly as I let go of his hand. "Now, please, let's not make a fuss about the cost of tonight and just enjoy it instead?" I asked, and Drake smiled slightly, nodding once.

When our waiter came around, we placed our orders of two small dinner salads, two eight ounce steaks with corn on the cob and bread rolls, as well as a bottle of red wine. Drake eyed me before pulling a little smile on his face about the wine, and for a moment I couldn't understand the look in his eye. Why would he—? Whatever. I tried not to let it bother me as our waiter walked off with a smile, taking our menus with him. I turned my attention back towards Drake, reaching out and taking his hands again.

"How's the album coming along?" He said softly, squeezing my hands gently. I smiled again, licking my lips a little.

"It's coming along okay. I think… I think we've got about half of the songs actually written out, and a couple are being worked on musically. I'm hoping by the end of the month we'll have made a lot more progress and get some demos done. We might leak a song or two out to see if the fans like it, but Monte and I are still discussing it." I explained before taking my hands away as a different waiter set down two glasses of water. I gently took hold of my glass, taking a long drink. As a singer, water is like my best friend.

"I thought you were working more on the album during the last tour?" Drake asked, drinking from his own glass before setting it back down. I sighed softly, folding my hands on the table in front of me.

"Yeah, we were. But… After everything that happened, I just… I couldn't do it," my voice was soft, barely audible above the music. "I didn't have the… The will, I guess you could say. But a couple of weeks ago I called Monte up and told him I wanted to start working on it again—"

"Because we started seeing each other again, right?" Drake intervened, and I smiled, blushing.

"Right." Drake smiled softly at me, his bright brown eyes shining in the dim lighting. I wanted to lean across the table and kiss him, but I felt that this was too public of a place. Not to mention the table was rather wide. I licked my lips a little again before taking another drink of water.

"So, does that mean that after you guys finish working on the album, you're going on another tour?" Drake asked. I swallowed my water and nodded once.

"Most likely. Gotta do a couple interviews and small television performances to promote the album to the US, then head out internationally to promote the album, the same way we did with For Your Entertainment. Then we'd probably do another tour like Glam Nation, but with a different title and such. It's a never ending cycle of shows and press and photo shoots and work, work, work, work." I said. I took another drink before looking across the table at Drake. He had his hands tucked under his chin, and he was looking in my direction, but his eyes seemed to be looking through me. I frowned a little, but he didn't move.

"What about the band? You taking Monte and Isaac and Cam and.. Tommy again?" There was a gap between Cam and Tommy's names, and I wondered if he was feeling jealous about my going on another tour with Tommy again. I sighed, blinking slowly and tilting my head to the side. His eyes shifted and met mine. They were glistening.

"Most likely… Baby, are you worried about things happening between me and Tommy again?" I asked him. He blinked once, rubbing his hands together before taking a drink of his water again.

"No." He said, but it was flat. I reached out, taking his hand in mine and squeezing it softly. He looked over at me, looking withdrawn and slightly sad. I smiled softly at him, empathetic and sweet.

"Baby, you don't have to worry. I don't feel that way for Tommy… I love you." I told him, bring his hand across the table and kissing it as I had done earlier. He blushed, smiling lightly. But I could see that it wasn't truly reaching his eyes. He was still upset about the last tour I'd gone on, and all the fanservice I'd done with Tommy. I didn't blame him. If I'd been in his shoes, I would have been upset and jealous too. As it was, I was jealous of the past year and a half he had spent with Tommy. But I deserved it…

"I know you do… I.. I love you too. But… Tommy told me you asked him out…" Goddamnit, Tommy…

"I was drunk that night, it didn't mean a thing…" I said, explaining that instance. He nodded once, but I doubted he believed me.

Our food was brought out to us moments later, and Drake and I began to eat in silence. It was, perhaps, one of these best meals I'd had in a really, really long time. Savory tastes, the steak itself was tender, juicy and grilled to utter perfection. The corn was delicious and crisp, buttery and salted nicely. Rolls baked to heaven and salads making me wish I ate them more often.

Forks and knives clinked under the soft tones of the music. The wine was just… Aww… I could have sat there all night drinking that wine, but I knew that I had to take Drake home safely. But why not take a bottle home for other special occasions? It was too… Too… Too… I took another drink from my wineglass, smiling pleasantly to myself. I'd made a good, good choice.

Very little was said between myself and Drake through our meal. I was too engrossed with how amazing everything tasted, and when I would look up at him, by his expression, I assumed he was feeling the same. He had a smile on his face as he ate and he even seemed to enjoy the wine.

I didn't want the night to end. I really didn't, but the meal was enjoyed and the bill paid, and before I really even knew it, I was walking with Drake back to my car. I blinked a couple of times before smiling to myself, taking his hand in mine while holding the bottle of wine in the other. Our footsteps were soft on the pavement of the parking lot and I pulled gently on his hand, pulling him into a small kiss. He froze against my lips before moaning. He was still uncomfortable…

I pecked his cheek before letting go of his hand and walking around to the driver's side of the car, unlocking it and slipping inside. Drake slid into the passenger's seat and I turned, setting the wine on the back seats. I slid the key into the ignition, turning and starting the car, hearing it roar to life and purr. I pulled out of the parking lot, driving down the streets towards Drake and Tommy's apartment.

In truth, I just wanted to take him back to my place, but I doubted he was ready for that. I would wait for him to want to come back. I didn't want to pressure him, but that didn't mean that I didn't miss having him home with me and in my arms at night. Because I did. Every time I laid down, all I wanted was to hold him and kiss him and fall asleep with my baby in my arms again.

"You okay, Adam?" Drake's voice filled my ears and I blinked, glancing over at him before changing lanes and heading off of a ramp towards his side of town. I smiled softly, though my eyes were on the road.

"Yeah, just spacing." I told him. It wasn't a lie. I was spacing.

"Okay." Drake said, and then nothing more followed.

I was kind of hating it, really, when I pulled up to the outside of Tommy's place. My heart was hammering in my chest and I didn't want this to end, but I knew that I had to let him go home. He needed his sleep, and he had a day with Tommy tomorrow. _Don't be jealous, Lambert. Drake's entitled to spend time with his friends, too_. I thought to myself, licking my lips and parking the car. Drake turned to me, smiling.

"Thank you, Adam. I had a really nice time tonight." He said. It was so cheesy, high school dates all over again. I smiled at him.

"You're welcome, Babyboo." I said. Even in the dark, I could tell he was blushing. I leaned close to him, slowly, and he leaned too. I smiled slightly before pressing my lips against his. He moaned, so soft and sweet, and my hand lifted, palming his face gingerly. My tongue slid between his teeth, trailing over his and touching the roof of his mouth before pulling out again. He licked my lower lip, tasting the edges of the inside of my mouth before kissing me again, chaste.

"I love you," I whispered against his lips.

"I love you, too, Adam." He said, before opening the door and slipping out.


	9. That Straight Jacket Feeling

**Chapter Nine: That Straight-Jacket Feeling, You Know...  
Drake's POV**

I went out with Tommy yesterday and it was... Fun? But the entire time it seemed really awkward. I wouldn't be able to tell you why but Tommy seemed rigid, stiff. I kept asking him what was wrong but he would just smile at me and say "I have no idea what you're talking about, Drake. I'm perfectly fine." Right, okay Thomas. Like I believe that for one second. If Adam was mentioned, he was withdrawn. Probably like I was when Adam was talking about going on tour again... I know it's a selfish thing to think, but I really wish he wouldn't go again... What kind of boyfriend is okay with leaving his lover for such a long period of time?

_One that doesn't care about your feelings. One that doesn't_ really _love you._

No, absolutely not. I can't think like that... Adam loves me. Tommy doesn't feel that way towards Adam and Adam doesn't feel that way towards Tommy. In fact, the way Tommy's been acting lately, he's almost resentful of Adam. Maybe the new album isn't going as smoothly as Adam made it seem at dinner...

All of this (and about a million more things) were running through my head while I was on the phone with my boss from the coffee shop. "Drake, you can't just quit. You aren't even going to give me a two week notice or anything?" he asked me, sounding kind of desperate and now I was starting to feel bad for quitting...

"I'm sorry, but I just can't keep working for such a little amount of pay," I retorted. Yes, this was partly because I'd seen the bill from the dinner Adam treated me to. It was almost two-hundred dollars. Just for one meal! It made me feel guilty that I couldn't provide the same time a luxuries for him and for my friends... But that wasn't really why I was quitting. After I'd basically redecorated Tommy's (well our) apartment, I realized that I can't just sit at a coffee shop counter my entire life. Cassidy has a whole fashion studio behind his coffee shop work. It's really more of a side job for him. Brad makes music, or at least tries to. I don't know how popular he is, but since he's friends with Adam, people seem to notice him more and more. And Tommy? Well Tommy was Adam fucking Lambert's pretty-kitty bassist. And me? I was just the person who made good coffee. That didn't really hit me until the other night and if they could all follow their dreams, why couldn't I?

I've always wanted to decorate and design. Make art that people live in, is how I like to describe my dream, but not clothing. Homes, buildings, museums: the list goes on and on but I've always wanted to do it and sitting in the living room _I_ decorated, I realized that I'm really good at it! However, I've never really told anyone I wanted to do this because, let's face it, I'd probably be made fun of. A lot.

"You think a new, better paying job is just going to fall out of the sky, Drake?" my boss hissed into the phone. Now he just sounded pissed off and I wondered, for a minute, if he was imagining we were in a horror movie like the one I saw with Tommy, and he was pretending to kill me in some gruesome way. I didn't feel bad for my decision to leave the shop because it meant I could do something more passionate and... more important. Better paying...

"Actually, I already have one," I said, still calming. "Yesterday I spoke with a few people in charge a huge LA interior design company and they came out of see what I can do. They've promised me a job, even after seeing only a few examples. I'm really sorry, but I need to move on. I can't... serve coffee for the rest of my goddamn life. I'd like to do something a little more meaningful," I added. I did feel a little bad for leaving my boss because he was a good boss but I just... I couldn't fucking be "the good coffee maker" anymore. I just couldn't, not when all of my friends were achieving great things and I wasn't doing shit.

He sighed again. "Alright Drake, okay. It sounds like you're determined and if this is really what you want, I won't fight you on it. I understand you want something better than coffee, but if you ever find yourself needing a job, you'll have one with me, okay?" he said into the phone, his voice smoothing into understanding and warmth. I smiled. If he wasn't married, to a woman, I might have believed he was coming on to me.

"Thank you. I appreciate it a lot. I really am sorry, I just... need to move on. I'm not a teenager anymore," I said. He chuckled, we said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone, laying back against the couch. Tommy was actually at work right now and nobody knew I was planning on quitting. Well, nobody but Snickers, who took the invitation of me laying down to jump up and lay on top of me. Oh you are so much like Adam, Snickers, just with a cute puppy face. I pet him, picking my phone back up and dialing a new number.

"Hello, yes this is Drake. I just got off the phone with my old boss. I don't work for him anymore," I said, once a man probably a little older than Adam (and definitely as gay as Adam) answered.

There seemed to be a smile in his tone as he spoke. "That's fantastic! Then come in Monday morning around eight and we'll talk about your job and the future you have as a designer," he said. Oh dear, I might actually have to be worried about my new boss coming onto me...

"Alright, I'll be there," I replied. Honestly? I was excited. I was finally doing what I always wanted to do but... telling the others might be hard because they would either think I was crazy or they would just laugh at me. Well, Brad was liable to do both but I wasn't sure about Tommy, Cassidy and... Adam...

We talked for a several minutes and then I hung up again. I was supposed to be at work right now, but I told Tommy I was just taking the day off to take care of a few things. When I told him that, he eyed me suspiciously and I just smiled at him. I'm sure he thought I was being devious and, I suppose, in a sense, I was... But I don't think I was doing anything completely awful or perverted like Tommy probably assumed I was.

I looked over at the clock hanging on the wall. My shift was supposed to end in about ten minutes and I sighed, closing my eyes for several long minutes. Well, until my phone started ringing, screaming at me to pick up. Fuck I hate that ringtone, thanks to fucking Brad. I didn't look at the caller ID before answering it. "Hello?" I asked into the receiving end.

"Drake? Where are you? I came to pick you up and your manager said you quit?" Adam answered, sounding a little frantic. Fuck. He wasn't supposed to pick me up today! He must have been wanting to surprise me... Great. "What's going on? You didn't tell anyone you were quitting because Tommy, Brad and Cass look pretty upset about it. Are you okay?" He was starting to ramble, and are we playing twenty questions now? God...

"Adam, Adam slow down please. I'm fine... I quit because I... got a new job..." I mumbled, now actually feeling bad about not telling anyone I was looking for a new job.

Adam, I imagined, was frowning at that. "You never mentioned anything about a new job..." he said quietly and if I was standing next to him, I would have imagined he was glancing at our three friends. "What made you want a new job, Boo?"

I rubbed my temple with my middle finger, suppressing a sigh in the process. "I... Because, Adam, I work at a fucking coffee shop," I mumbled weakly, staring at the ceiling of the apartment. How the fuck did a ceiling get dirty? Honestly?

"Baby, Cass, Tommy and Brad all work here..." he said, sounding confused on why I would suddenly think a job at a coffee shop was pointless.

"Adam, they all do other things! Brad has his music, Cassidy is an extremely successful fashion designer and Tommy's famous because he's Adam Lambert's bass player! What am I? I'm the guy who makes great coffee and sits behind a counter every day. I don't do anything else. I don't have some glorious, amazing job and I won't ever have one if I keep living the life of a teenager..." I said, my tone going from forceful to pretty pathetic.

The other line was quite for a long time. I was trying to figure out if Adam was confused or angry. Or maybe both... My cheek suddenly stung lightly and I put a hand over it. It felt as if I'd really just been slapped across the face, but I knew it was only a memory. The phantom of the man Adam was after his first tour was over... A shiver ran up my spine and I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to will the memories of those weeks away. "Babyboo, why didn't you ever just tell us you felt that way? I didn't know you felt like that..." he said, seeming to frown even more. Geez, don't crack your face, Adam, it can't handle so much frowning.

"I... I just didn't say anything because until a few weeks ago, I didn't really think I would be able to get a different job..." I said, sounding really stupid now that I think about it. "I didn't think I was qualified for much else but, thanks to you actually, I realized that I have other talents besides making coffee."

"Well... I'm always happy to be inspirational and everything but... what exactly did I do to make you want a new job? I didn't make you feel like you were beneath me or something, did I?" Now he sounded worried... Dear Jesus.

"No, Adam, it's not like that. Just... stay at the coffee shop. I'll be down in a few minutes so I can just explain this to everyone one time," I said, getting up and pulling my shoes on.

"Okay baby... We'll be here," he said. "I love you."

"I love you too, Adam," I said, smiling just a little to myself. "I'll be down soon." I hung up and pulled a hoodie on. I really didn't know if it was really mine, or Tommy's. We seemed to share clothing a lot. He'd wear my skinny jeans and I'd wear his. It was almost like one giant dresser of clothing instead of two individual sets of clothing. "Come on, Snickers," I called and the not-so-little puppy pranced over to me, like he was royalty. "We should have just called you Adam Jr," I told him, grabbing his leash and picking the pup up in my arms. He licked my face happily and I more or less jogged to the coffee shop with Snickers in my arms. Shit, I am so out of shape it's a wonder I'm not fat...

When I got to the shop, I was out of breath and had to catch it before I actually went inside. I kept Snickers in my arms and four pairs of eyes locked onto me as soon as I walked through the door. God, if this is how Adam feels all the time, I never want to be famous. Ever. I can almost, almost, understand why Adam went nuts last year. I was recognized enough for being Adam Lambert's boyfriend, and that was bad enough. I'd even been cornered by the paparazzi once or twice... Ugh. "Ummm, hey guys," I said, putting Snickers down and before I could put his leash on him, he was right next to Adam, whining to be picked up. Adam's eyes left me for a minute, to my relief and he smiled at the puppy, picking him up and making baby noises at him. Oh Adam, what am I going to do with you? Seriously?

"Mind telling all of us about your new, top secret job?" Brad asked, frowning a little at me.

I sighed. "Did I fucking kill somebody? I really don't see why this is so serious. I just got a different job. I'm entitled to do that, you know," I said, rubbing my temples again. This was a lot worse than I ever pictured it.

Adam shot a glare at Brad and walked over to me, still holding Snickers in one hand. "Don't listen to Brad, we just want to know what's going on. And... I'd like to know what I did to make you feel like you needed a different job..." Adam mumbled. His tone and his eyes told me that he was feeling guilty.

"Adam, calm down. You didn't do anything wrong but after I saw you in the market before we started seeing each other again, I couldn't stop thinking about you. It was driving me crazy and the only thing that got my mind off of you was occupying it with something else to do. So I basically redid our apartment and..." I glanced at Tommy for a second before looking back at Adam. "I'm good at it. I'm really good at it and it's... kinda what I've always wanted to do," I finished, five pairs of eyes (because of Snickers) were now staring at me.

Brad, as I predicted did laugh at that but the other three seemed to smile some. "He actually is really good at it. He de-manned my apartment, but it's really nice," Tommy said while Cassidy practically skipped over to me.

"You never told us you wanted to be an interior designer!" he exclaimed, like I should tell him every single thing about my life. "Thanks fabulous." Oh my God, Cassidy, you win the award for most gay person ever to exist. Ever. Congrats.

"You never mentioned that to me either..." Adam said, sounding slightly upset that I didn't share something that I dreamed of with my boyfriend.

I sighed, looking at Snickers accusing face and made a face back at him that said something like "yeah, yeah, I know you're right". "I didn't want to tell anyone because one, I never thought I'd actually be able to do it and two, I kinda thought you'd all laugh at me. I mean... Brad is," I said, shooting a glare in Brad's direction. He didn't seem to notice, because he was still laughing but he was, at least, calming down some. Fuck you Brad. At least I didn't sing a song called "They Call Me Cheeks" and it wasn't even long enough to be considered a song. So fuck off.

Wow, I'm feeling a little bitter today...

"Don't listen to Brad, he's just a jerk most of the time," Adam said, leaning down and kissing my cheek gently. "I don't think it's funny. I think... a designer fits you. A lot," he muttered against my skin, pressing a kiss into my neck. My eyes, I was sure, softened a little and I had to bite my lip to catch the moan that was trying to escape my throat. I would _not_ moan in a coffee shop full of gay men, a questionably straight man and a gay dog. Not. Ganna. Happen. Adam smiled against my skin and pulled back, setting Snickers in my arms so he could wrap his arms around me. "So... You already have a job as an interior designer? When did that happen?" he asked, pressing a kiss into my hair.

"Okay, as much fun as gay porn is, you guys should really get a room," Brad commented.

Normally I would just roll my eyes and ignore him, but like I said, today I'm feeling bitter apparently. "Alright Brad, you should really keep your jealousy to yourself. If you want to join in, nobody's stopping you," I said, smiling at him. He raised an eyebrow, like he was ready to say something back but Tommy stopped him. That I wasn't expecting. Why would Tommy care? I would have expected Cassidy, maybe Adam to stop Brad, but not Tommy... What has gotten into you, Blondie?

"Now, what about this new job of yours?" Cassidy asked, looking back at me.

"I had a guy come out yesterday when Tommy wasn't home... He looked over what I'd done and was so impressed, he offered me a job on the spot. I didn't expect that to happen but it did and it's what I want to do. I want it a lot more than I want coffee..." I said. Tommy smiled at me and so did Cassidy. Adam pressed another kiss into my hair, but Brad didn't seem quite as happy.

"So you're just leaving? You aren't going to work here anymore?" Brad asked, frowning at me.

"Well... no..." I said, frowning a little myself.

Brad opened his mouth, but this time Cassidy shushed him. "Brad, just be happy for him. He's getting a chance to do something he's always wanted. It's not like we're never going to see him again. He lives ten minutes from our condo." Yeah, Brad and Cassidy are dating. Most people think they are, but aren't entirely sure. They are, and they make a cute couple, but I have to feel bad for Tommy... He still didn't have a girlfriend (though I'm not convinced he's straight). Yesterday he wouldn't let me spend any money when we went out. He paid for everything, saying it wasn't a problem, but it was like he _wanted_ to buy everything. Just like Adam had...

"Well then, I think this is cause for celebration. We can all go out later if you guys are up to it, but right now, I think I need to take Drake out and congratulate him one on one," he said to the others.

Cassidy and Brad snickered at each other. "Well, make sure you're behind a closed door before you 'congratulate him one on one'. Don't want anyone else seeing," Cassidy teased and I rolled my eyes.

Apparently so did Adam. "I didn't mean it like that you pervs," he hissed, taking my hand in his and lacing our fingers together. I smiled and turned away with Adam to go on yet another date with him. The only difference was, this one wasn't planned. He took me and Snickers out to his car and I could hear Brad and Cassidy cat calling and looking back I saw them snickering at Adam and me. That was to be expected, but Tommy wasn't joining in their fun. He looked a little upset, sad really and I was wondering if I'd done something to upset him...

I sighed and climbed into Adam's car, awaiting our departure, but when Adam climbed into the driver's seat, he reached over, gripping my chin lightly in his hand and making me look at him. "I'm so proud of you, baby," he said softly, kissing me deeply. This time, I did moan and my tongue worked with and against his. These were the type of kisses we used to share all the time... Sometimes they were just what a kiss was; a kiss. But sometimes this type of kiss lead to much more intimate things... and I couldn't deny that part of me was yearning for those things.

But could I really...? I wasn't sure.


	10. Never Do Nothing To Hurt 'Em

**Chapter Ten: You swore you'd never hit 'em, never do nothing to hurt 'em**

**Adam's POV**

My baby was a designer.

The idea wasn't unfathomable, but it was certainly a bit of a shell-shocker. I mean, Drake had always seemed so happy working at the coffee shop, because he felt productive. He didn't want to seem like the boyfriend mooching off of my money and fame, and I respect that one-hundred percent; though I always told him that he didn't have to worry about making money, because I was making plenty for the both of us. But he was firm in his decisions and when he set his mind to something, he did it.

And when I went to pick him up from his supposed shift at the shop, I was a little taken aback when his boss told me he'd quit just five, ten minutes ago. So I called Drake and asked him what the deal was. And the rest just seemed to unfold itself. He said he had a new job and he showed up (with Snickers! Rah, I've missed my Snickers) and explained his new job as an interior designer. And I was so proud of him— prouder than I'd ever been.

Of course, Brad wasn't taking it too well, considering one of his best friends was now quitting in pursuit of something bigger, something greater. Cassidy took it well, light at heart and optimistic as ever. But… Tommy… Tommy seemed withdrawn from the whole conversation of Drake's newfound career. I could understand possibly feeling withdrawn because now Drake, one of his best friends, wasn't going to be at the coffee shop anymore, but they lived together. So why was this making him so sullen?

I didn't dwell on the idea for very long as I pulled Drake and Snickers out to my car, pulling Drake close to me and kissing him passionately. A moan erupted from his throat and I felt a twitch of excitement from behind the zipper of my jeans. Our tongues worked together, sliding along one another and dancing gently before I pulled away, leaving one more soft kiss on his lips. The twitch had turned into half-hardness, but I didn't want to… act on it just yet.

I wanted Drake. I wanted him back, completely, in my life. I wanted him to come back and live with me again and be in my arms again when I laid down at night to sleep. But I'd told myself that I would let him make all of the decisions in terms of when he wanted to come back and… I wanted him to be the one to say he wanted to be… sexual again. I mean, don't get me wrong, I wanted to kiss him all over and whisper sweetness into his ear and remap every inch of his body with my tongue again. But I would let him decide when that would be.

"Shall we get some lunch?" I asked him with a smile after pulling away and starting the engine of my car. Snickers stood from Drake's lap and carefully shuffled over to mine, curling up into a small, fluffy ball resting gently on my right thigh. I smiled down at him, putting the car into reverse and pulling out of the parking lot of the coffee shop before taking off down the road. I let a hand drop, petting the small dog behind the ears gently. If he was a cat, he'd be purring up a storm.

"Adam, I don't want you to spend more money on me," Drake insisted, and I smiled, laughing softly. "I saw the dinner bill from the other night. Two-hundred dollars, Adam?" I glanced over at him, changing lanes and getting out onto the highway.

"Baby, I understand you don't like me spending a lot on you, but a nice dinner out once in a while is not going to hurt us. I promise you." I looked over at him after making sure I had a nice expanse of distance without any cars in the immediate vicinity around us, and I just cruised, "Drake, I could take you out to that restaurant every night for the next six to eight months before it starts to become a financial issue."

Drake blushed, looking away, obviously defeated in the argument. "I still don't like it, though. Because I don't have the money to pay you back or do nice things for you." I sighed, smiling softly before he looked over at me again, "But that's also why I had the designer guy come out the other day. That's why I got a new job. Because soon I'll be able to get nicer things for you and—" I couldn't kiss him, but I reached over and took his hand in mine, and he went silent as if I had kissed him.

"Baby, the only thing I'll ever want is you." I told him, glancing at him again before taking an exit and heading downtown. Drake blushed again and I could feel my heart just pound a little harder in my chest. I would never get over how beautiful he was and how lucky I truly was to have him back in my life, to call my own.

The car was relatively silent after that as I pulled into a parking space for a nice, quiet Italian restaurant. By the lot, I could tell that, even at lunch hour, they weren't terribly busy, and that it wouldn't be too much of a problem getting a table quickly. I petted Snickers on the head, told him to be good before leaving a soft kiss in his far and locking him in the car, the windows opened a good two inches to let in air. He curled up into a ball on my seat as I took Drake's hand in mine and pulled him into the restaurant.

The lunch itself was delicious, and the service was amazing. The waiter was nice and charming, tending to our every need. We shared a giant plate of spaghetti and meatballs— totally Lady and the Tramp sort of feel— with a bottle of white wine to share between us. Toasty warm bread rolls and creamy honey-butter to top it all. The award-winning factor was that the whole meal was under fifty dollars, which made Drake feel a little more at ease after our conversation in the car.

Bill paid and the remaining white wine packaged— as well as an extra bottle to take home (what? I like wine)— Drake and I walked hand in hand out of the restaurant and back to the car. I was just about to unlock the car when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I sighed, handing the package of wine bottles to Drake before pulling out the key and unlocking the car, grabbing my phone from the other pocket and glancing at the caller ID.

"Go ahead and wait in the car, baby. I need to take this," I said, and Drake nodded once as I tapped the green "answer" button on my phone. I held the phone to my ear, gentle gnawing on my bottom lip.

"Hello?" I said into the receiver end of my phone. There was an exasperated sigh on the other end of the line, and something told me in the pit of my stomach that I was not going to enjoy whatever it was Monte needed to tell me.

"Adam, hey, listen, I need you to come down to the studio. Like, right now." Monte's voice was clipped, edgy and irritated, which, in return, was making me a little edgy. But I wasn't irritated… Yet.

"Why?" I asked him. I'd already told him that we were taking today off because I wanted to spend today with Drake (before I found out that he got a new job and I decided to take him out to celebrate). I frowned, turning away from the car for a moment and shoving my free hand into the pocket of my jeans, staring down hard at the pavement beneath my feet.

"Because… There's a problem with part of the album and we really need to get it fixed before we can work on anything else." Monte said softly. He sounded like he was trying to keep something incredibly big and important from me, which wasn't really a good idea. Monte should know that already…

"What _problem_ is that, Monte?" I asked him, feeling the strain in my throat as I tried to contain my growing agitation. I needed to keep myself calm. I'd been so good about not getting too stressed and too worked up. I'd been so good and I couldn't slip up now because I didn't want to get mad in front of Drake. We were finally making things really work again, and… Fuck!

"It's gone." He said suddenly, and my head snapped up so I was staring at the outside wall of the restaurant as opposed to the ground at my feet.

"What do you mean it's gone?" I asked, my voice harsh. Monte stuttered softly on his end of the line before speaking again.

"The album— all the progress we've made— it's gone. It got corrupted and deleted or something like that. Lane gave me a call this morning and told me that—" I growled, running fingers through my hair. So much for not getting angry…

"_How?_ How can it be _gone_, Monte?" I hissed at him, feeling the weight of Drake's eyes through the windshield of the car at me. Fuck…

"I don't— I'm sorry, Adam. We're doing everything we can to possibly get it recovered, but we might just have to re-record all of it." I swore angrily, pinching the bridge of my nose and squeezing my eyes shut. All the hard work we'd put in… All the hours of recording and layering tracks and singing and _everything we put into this album_— gone.

"I'm out with Drake right now, so we'll have to discuss this later. I'm taking him home right now and I'll be over at the studio soon." I said, though the tone of my voice was a clear indication that the time at the studio would not necessarily be an easy time spent.

"Alright. See you soon." Monte said. I didn't even say goodbye, I just hung up. I slipped my phone back into my pocket, taking several deep breaths and counting to ten in my head, letting out a long, exhausted sigh. I couldn't be upset in front of Drake, and I certainly could not snap at him…

I turned, heading to the door of my car and pulled it open, slipping into the seat. Unfortunately, my deep breathing didn't exactly help, because I was still wound like a tight coil. I started the engine, feeling the heavy, worried weight of Drake's stare (and Snickers') on me as I pulled out of the spot and started driving down the streets, heading back to Drake's apartment. My hands were tight on the wheel and the car was awkwardly silent through the first half of the drive before Drake decided to speak.

"What happened?" He asked and I sighed softly. I didn't really wanna talk about it with him because I didn't want to get worked up again, but apparently I didn't know how to say it nicely—

"It's nothing, don't worry about it," I spat, changing lanes and driving down the highway. Drake continued petting Snickers behind the ears, biting down on his bottom lip. Snickers was sprawled across Drake's lap, looking up at me with big, bright brown eyes.

"Baby, you know I'm just trying to help—" he began, but I cut him off.

"It's _none_ of your _business_, Drake! Just leave it be." I shouted, glaring at him from the corner of my eye before turning my attention back to the road in front of me. When I shouted, Drake flinched, looking hurt and, perhaps, even a little scared. I knew I shouldn't have yelled, I knew I shouldn't have gotten mad at him, but I just… I lost control for a moment and I couldn't help it…

I was silent for the rest of the drive, as was Drake, and when I pulled up to his apartment I looked over at him, inhaling slowly. I reached down, stroking gently behind Snickers' left ear before looking up at Drake. I reached out to touch his cheek and he flinched slightly.

My heart stopped and I dropped my hand. Drake mumbled a soft "thank you", probably for the lunch before gathering Snickers into his arms and getting out of the car. He shut the door and hurried to the apartment door. I bit down on my bottom lip, resting my head against the headrest of my seat, feeling tears stinging at my vision. I wanted to cry and scream and get out and apologize, but I didn't. I swore softly, under my breath, before revving the engine slightly and taking off down the street, guilt sitting in the pits of my stomach.


	11. One Step Forward And Two Steps Back

**Chapter Eleven: He Took One Step Forward and Two Steps Back  
Drake's POV**

I tried not to let Adam's yelling at me get me too worked up but I couldn't. I managed to stay calm in the car but once I was out and facing away from him, the tears started falling. It wasn't like Adam and I haven't had our fair share of fights. No, we had fights, we usually just made up with passionate kissing and hair pulls which evidently lead to sex, but this was different. We weren't fighting, he was yelling and I was sitting there taking it.

Normally I wouldn't have. Normally I would have stuck up for myself and told Adam what a douche he was being. Well, I would have done that if it had been before his tour. Before the abuse and the rape… I squeezed my eyes shut, leaning against the wall of the hall. If Tommy was home, I didn't want him to see me so upset (even though he was probably going to find out anyway).

Adam had just seemed so much like the man that yelled at me, slapped me across the face, pushed me into hard tables and forced me to have sex with him, that I wasn't sure how to handle it. Adam had been so perfect these last few weeks. How long has it actually been? I have no idea.. Today he wasn't so perfect, not after whatever he heard on that phone call.

He scared the shit out of me because I thought he was going to not only yell, but lash out at me as well. I was glad that the second half of that fear didn't happen but would it happen later? Would he really snap again and turn into that monster again? Making music and touring was what stressed him out in the first place, turning my perfect, wonderful boyfriend into Satan's son.

No, I couldn't believe Adam would be falling back in front of that subway train again. He couldn't be because I couldn't live through another portion of him ripping my heart out. I'd already suffered for my love once, wasn't that fucking good enough? Obviously not because my life sucks.

Snickers was whining and it wasn't until then that I realized I had been squeezing the puppy to my chest like he was a stack of school books. "Sorry Snickers," I whispered and he licked my face, taking the tears with him. I wiped the rest away before I opened the apartment door. It wasn't locked, so I assumed Tommy was home. I sighed, setting Snickers down so he could run off, before I took off my jacket.

"Drake? What are you doing home so early? I figured you and Adam would be celebrating all night," Tommy said, emerging from the kitchen. He was wearing sweats and his hair was sticking out in every direction possible. Probably woke up from a nice nap or something… "Drake? What's the matter?" he asked before I could even respond to his first question.

In the blink of an eye, Tommy was standing right next to me, worry filling those big brown eyes. "Nothing Tommy…" I muttered quietly and he put his hands on his hips (very much like a gay man would do) and huffed at me.

"I know I look pretty fucking stupid right now but looks are deceiving. What the fuck happened? Did Adam hurt you cause I'll fucking rip his balls off it he did…" Tommy flushed once he realized what he had said. I blushed a little. Why was Tommy so protective of me? Wasn't he supposed to be Adam's best friend as well as mine? Whatever… it was nice to have someone who, at least, cared for you.

"No… No he didn't hurt me but he did yell at me…" I said quietly, sinking down onto the small couch in the living room. I reached down, taking off my boots before pulling my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.

Tommy bit his lip and sat down next to me. "What happened?" he asked, putting his arm around my shoulder. I blinked away new tears as I leaned into him.

"He got a phone call from Monte or something and whatever Monte told him made him extremely upset… I tried to talk to him about what happened, trying to get him to relax a little and he just blew up at me. He…" I bit my lip, squeezing my eyes shut tightly. "He yelled at me like the day he hit me… That night when I called you and you came over to the condo and found it a mess, with my hand bleeding and a giant bruise forming on my neck. He said the exact same thing to me that night…" I muttered quietly, tears seeping out the lids of my eyes.

Tommy's callous-covered fingers ran gently across my cheek, wiping away the escaped tears. "It's alright, Drake… Shh… Did he hit you?" he asked me, his lips at my ear. I shook my head, opening my eyes to look into those chocolate ones I envied so much.

"He didn't hit me but I thought he… I thought he might," I muttered. I hated speaking about Adam like this but my Adam was not the man who yelled at me a few minutes ago…

A rough, yet gentle hand rested on my cheek. Tommy stared at me with compassion in his eyes for a long time and I was comforted just by being with him. I couldn't understand how someone who came off as such a bad ass most of the time was so… soft and warm in person? My mind just did not want to accept something like that but I was thankful he was. A year ago, I had nobody to help me through the "rough patch" I had with Adam. Just a puppy there to lick my face while I cried. "It's alright, Drake. You're safe here with me, alright? Everything's fine…" I knew he was trying to calm me down, and it actually worked.

I relaxed into his arms, resting my head against his shoulder. I wasn't sure how long I laid there like that or if I was even asleep or not. The only thing that I was consciously aware of was Tommy. When those beautifully plump lips pressed into mine, I thought I was dreaming. Why in the world would Tommy ever kiss me in real life? Sure, I supposed I liked him enough to dream about him kissing me and touching me the way I should only let Adam, but after a few seconds, I realized I wasn't dreaming. My eyes snapped open but Tommy's were closed and I was… _kissing him back_.

A soft, sweet moan left Tommy's lips and traveled into mine. You know that say "every action has an equal and opposite reaction"? Well, that was fucking true because now I was moaning. Tommy had a… very talented and tasteful set of lips, that was for sure.

I knew I needed to stop, especially when Tommy pushed me onto my back and straddled my hips. I needed to stop this before Tommy and I ended up doing something we would regret later. God, what if Adam found out about it? What if the paparazzi found out about it? It was bad enough being approached by people just because I was Adam's boyfriend, but to be approached by people because I was Adam's boyfriend _and_ I cheated on my boyfriend with his _straight_ bass player? That would be fucking horrible.

Despite this feeling of knowing, I didn't stop the kiss. In fact, I instigated it by tangling my fingers into Tommy's hair and pulling gently. The blond moaned, slipping his tongue between my teeth and my tongue was only too happy to accommodate it. Our kiss quickly became the type of kiss Adam and Tommy were known world wide for. A whole army of moans were erupting between the two of us and even though none of this made sense in my mind, it clearly made sense to my body.

Tommy pulled away and I whined, arching up into him. He pulled away because of the natural need for breathing, I know but… I didn't want the kiss to end. A smirk danced across Tommy's pale features and he took my jaw gently into his hand, forcing me to look at the wall, exposing a highway and clear and free neck just begging to be bitten. His soft lips pressed into the sensitive flesh and kissed it gently. He licked the spot once and then sank his teeth into the wet spot. I gasped, crying out and arching into him. Now I could understand why Adam was so intrigued by this man. He was _such a fucking tease!_

I hadn't had sex, or the interest in sex, for over a year and now my body was searing with desire for it. Whimpers fell from my lips as Tommy sucked and abused my neck. I was sure to have a nice, purple bruise there, possibly teeth marks if he was biting as hard as I thought he was, in the morning. That should have been initiative enough for me to push him away and stop this entire thing at that moment, but it wasn't.

Tommy pulled back slightly, licking the large mark he'd just imprinted on me. "You're… delicious," he muttered quietly, biting down on the junction of my shoulder and my neck. A spot, mind you, that Adam always bit if he was in the mood and I wasn't, because it always made me want what I didn't want only seconds before hand. A growl erupted from my throat and my hips pushed up into his. I was positive I had precum dripping down my hard on.

Damn it, Tommy! What the hell are you doing to me? You're supposed to be fucking STRAIGHT! Or did you forget that? "T-Tommy…" I moaned, pulling hard on his hair again. Even though these thoughts were running through the back of my mind, I didn't act on any of them. I couldn't bring myself to… "Tommy!" I yanked on his blond locks and his jaw unclasped, leaving my neck with two large, pretty bite marks. "What's gotten into you?" I asked, hot and bothered. I was sure I was blushing too but I ignored it the best I could.

Tommy flushed a bright red color, which only deepened when he looked down at my neck. "I… I'm sorry Drake, it was just you… You laying in my arms like that, you looked so miserable… I just… I wanted to make you feel better and I got carried away…" he muttered, his eyes avoiding mine at all costs.

That didn't make any sense. You gave someone a hug or a kiss on the cheek to make them feel better. You did not, repeat not, kiss someone so sexually and then sink your teeth into their neck twice! That wasn't a way to comfort someone, that was a way to sleep with someone.

This left me more confused. Tommy was Adam Lambert's straight bass player, my roommate and my best friend. Never in a billion years would I have believe Thomas Joseph Ratliff would ever have _than_ sort of interest in me considering he made out with Adam over seventy fucking times and was unphased by it (yeah, still a little bitter about the whole Adommy thing…) "Tommy…" My phone started playing _Voodoo_ (give me a fucking break, the song was written for me for fuck's sake!) quite obnoxiously. Tommy and I rolling around on the couch must have hit the button to change the volume.

Biting my lip, I reached into my pocket. My heart stopped at the name on the screen. _Adam_… He was calling, probably to apologize and tell me how stupid he was. Yeah Adam, maybe we should just scoop out your brain, since you use the Little Adam's brain more often anyways, and store candy in there or something. "I'm sorry Drake… Take the call. I'm sure everything with me fine," he said, moving off of me. He disappeared into the bathroom, probably to take care of that massive problem I spotted… I had my own going on, but I ignored it and pushed the talk button on my cell.

"Hello?"


	12. So Take A Chance

**Chapter Twelve: So take a chance and don't ever look back**

**Adam's POV**

My first initiative when I walked into my condo was to find something breakable and smash it against the nearest wall. I just… I had the urge to grab something— preferably glass— and just chuck it and see it splinter and fall into millions of pieces. To watch it rain like glitter. But my mind flashed to something that had happened and felt like an eternity ago… A distant memory of Drake falling and a vase shattering around him… Falling like deadly glitter around him…

That initiative was kicked into the hells of my mind.

Drinking was out of the question. Maybe a glass or two, but anything more was a recipe for disaster, truly. I couldn't afford to go back to being the person that I used to be, and yet that's just what I'd done earlier. I snapped at Drake. I _yelled_ at him and for a moment, however brief it was, I wanted to hit him. I felt that blind urge that tickled my fingertips and made them twitch just a little.

But I didn't. And I think back on that moment now, and I thank fucking Rah that I didn't hit him. If I had, I would never forgive myself for that. I would never, ever forgive myself if I laid a harmful hand on my Babyboo again… I'd gone through that pain once, I couldn't do it a second time, no matter how angry or frustrated I go. I sighed heavily, running fingers through my hair. I needed a cut, it was too long for my taste. I'd just been so lazy…

I couldn't keep doing this to myself or Drake. I needed to keep getting better not only for Drake but for myself, my friends and my family. I needed to hold onto that security. I needed… Fuck, I needed Drake. I needed him more than I ever thought I would need a person in my life. My heart ached to have him back completely, but I _wanted_ so badly to let him make the decisions…

But what if he never made the decisions? What if we dated and loved each other, but we never lived together again? What if he stayed with Tommy in Tommy's apartment and I could only come whisk him away for dinners and dates and the occasional shopping spree? What if I didn't get to wake up to having him in my arms ever again? What if Tommy was the one who go to see Drake every morning and every night—

Tommy…

That lucky son of a bitch.

What if… What if Tommy _was_ jealous? That night that I took Drake out to eat and Drake had said that Tommy was acting funny? What if he was jealous of my relationship with Drake? It wouldn't truly a surprise; Tommy _had _admitted during the Glam Nation tour that he liked girls but that he _also_ liked _me_, a man. So he had to be, at least, a little bisexual. And it wouldn't be a surprise if he liked Drake, at least, a little. I mean, the man has lived with Drake for the past year and a half…

No… I couldn't think like that. Sure, Tommy liked kissing girls and me, but with me it was just for fans. Tommy wasn't like that. He wasn't… No. He wouldn't do that; he's my best friend. My _best_ friend. He wouldn't do something like steal the love of my life away from me… Tommy wasn't that kind of a person, he was too sweet and too considerate… Maybe…

Maybe that was his method of charm?

No! Stop it, Adam! Stop doubting Drake's love for you simply because you made a mistake! What you need to do now is fucking apologize to him and tell him you're going to make it up to him. That's what you need to do, so pick up your Goddamn phone and give that boy a call. Right now.

I reached into my pocket, inhaling deeply as I unlocked my phone and went into contacts, scrolling down to Drake's name… But I hesitated; my thumb hovering just over the screen. One little tap and I would call him. One little tap and I would have to pour my heart out into an apology. I needed to do this. I needed to call him. I inhaled again, tapping the screen before lifting it and holding it to my ear, listening to it ringing, ringing, ringing—

"Hello?" Drake's voice sounded strained, and I frowned a little before licking my lips, exhaling my breath.

"Hey, baby…" I said softly, leaning against the counter of the kitchen. I had my free hand tucked into the pocket of my pants as I stared down at the tiling of the floor. My heart was pounding in my chest as I waited for Drake to respond.

"H-hi, Adam." He mumbled. I bit down on my bottom lip before taking a quick breath and lifting my head.

"I… I wanted to apologize… For what happened. I— I didn't mean to yell at you, baby, I… I don't know what came over me. I just… I'm sorry, love. I'm so, so sorry. I know I promised I would never do it again, I know I did, I just… I don't know what happened… I'm sorry," I poured my heart out, as chopped up as it was. I wanted him to forgive me, but at the same time I would, kind of, understand if he didn't right away. I scared him. I made him think that I really wasn't getting better…

"Adam… It's… I'm not really gonna say it's alright, because it's not right now. But I know that it was an accident… And… I forgive you," I'd never felt such a weight being lifted off of my shoulders before, "but… You really need to control that. You _scared_ me, today. Adam, I thought were you going to hit me," I winced, clenching my jaw at his words. But he was right. I _did_ need to control my temper.

"I… I know, baby. I know, and… I feel awful. I— can I make it up to you? Please?" I asked him. Well, I was pleading more than anything, but I couldn't tell him that. Not yet, anyway.

"Uh— now?" He asked, sounding… strange. I frowned again, feeling my heart pounding up into my throat. I couldn't breathe for a moment and I had to swallow twice and lick my lips before I could speak again.

"Whenever you want. Just… Please?" I mumbled softly. I wanted to see him now. I wanted to actually apologize to him and I wanted to hold him and kiss him and make up for what I've done, but it would be all about how far he wanted to take it. I wanted to just kiss and strip him and just make sweet love to him… But it was all _up to him_.

"A-alright. Just… Give me a little bit to… Get ready. What do you want to do?" He asked me, and I felt my mouth go dry again. Oh fuck, all this talk about me wanting to make it up to him and I didn't know what the fuck I wanted to do for him… Shit… Think fast, Lambert. Think fast. Like. _Now_.

"Whatever you want, baby. Movie, shopping, taking a walk— it's all up to you, Drake." I replied, quickly shoving my feet into my shoes. I knew that I was supposed to give him time, but I needed to do something. I was antsy and trembling with excitement and nerves and all kinds of other things.

"Alright. Um… You coming to get me?" He asked.

"Yeah, if that's alright with you?" I commented, walking into the bathroom. I glanced at my reflection in the mirror, grimacing a little. I looked like hell, and that was not a good thing. I needed a night coat of cover up and maybe some liner. Re-spruce of some hair gel to get the oomph back into my hair… But I should be able to manage it.

"Yeah, that's cool. So, twenty minutes?" He suggested and I hummed in agreement. Our goodbyes were quick and brief, and I slipped in a soft "I love you", to which he replied quickly before we hung up. I set my phone down on the counter, rubbing cover up under my eyes, mostly, and over my face, smoothening it out and making it look good. Swift, thin lines of liner that were smudged and dusted with soft, silver eye shadow. I brushed my teeth, swishing Listerine; what? I wanted my breath to be clean.

I reached up into the mirror of the vanity and pulled down a small tub of gel, scooping some of the goop onto my fingers and running it through my hair, styling it so that it was flipped over to one side and spiked up slightly. It took a little longer than usual because I wasn't quite used to styling my hair at this length, but I managed it eventually and I made it look really good. I smiled at my reflection before going to my room and grabbing a leather jacket from my closet.

Five minutes spent getting ready and I was down into the car, pulling out of the driveway and heading towards Drake and Tommy's apartment. I tried not thinking further about things involving Tommy and I ended up blaring GaGa's Fame Monster all the way down the highway. My fingers tapped to the beat of the song against the steering wheel as I drove through suburban streets towards the apartment. My heart was still pounding, perhaps, a little too hard for my liking, but I ignored it. I had to.

I pulled up to the side of the apartment and killed the engine. I inhaled a deep breath before stepping out of the car and slamming the door shut, cutting across and heading up to the door. My fingers curled into a fist and I knocked gently, waiting for a few moments before the door opened to reveal Drake standing on the other side. He looked good; cleaned up and recently washed, apparently. His hair was still wet but there was a light layer of makeup on his face. He wore dark blue skinny jeans and a black tank-stop with a white jacket hanging off of his shoulders.

But around his neck was something that made my heart stop— Tommy's black and grey skull scarf. I frowned and Drake blushed a little, stepping closer to me and shutting the door behind him, "Tommy's letting me borrow it. I figured it'd make the whole thing look, I don't know, punk-ish?" He suggested and I smiled sweetly, raising my hand and touching his face.

He flinched and I tried not to let it bother me. I blinked once before leaning forward, kissing him gently. He moaned softly, kissing me back before I pulled away, his breath touching my face like soft kisses.

"Where do you wanna go, baby?" I asked him and he smiled sweetly.

"Let's go to the park."


	13. I'm What They Call A Love Addict

**Chapter Thirteen: I've Got To Have It, I'm What They Call a Love Addict (Love Addict)  
Drake's POV**

Tommy giving me two giant hickies was weird enough, but Adam calling me and apologizing and wanting to take me out to make it up to me right that very minute wasn't just weird, it was fucking awful timing. Tommy, his straight bass player, and the man who constantly made out with him on stage during his performance, just sucked my neck like he was a fucking vampire.

I got up to go shower. Let's face it, I needed one. Even if Tommy and I kept our clothes on, I still smelled a little like sex because of the precum… God damn it, Tommy… Showered and dressed in dark blue skinny jeans (what other kind of jeans are there), a black tank and make-up on my face, I looked into the mirror of the bathroom, gasping at the giant blackish purple bite marks that were already badly bruising. I needed to cover them up, but make up wouldn't cover up the marks well enough. I needed… a scarf!

But I didn't own one because I thought they were really tacky to wear in fucking LA, where it's almost always hot.

"Tommy?" I called, walking out of the bathroom. He was watching TV, trying to look normal but I don't think he was feeling normal. Not after what we'd just done… "Don't you have a black scarf or something? With like skulls on it?" I asked.

His brown eyes met my own. "Not really your style, is it?" he asked and I sighed.

"Not at all… but I can't let Adam see these," I said, gesturing to my neck. "He'll flip shit."

Tommy nodded, seeming to understand but he kind of looked a little sad. Fuck, I really didn't want to think that the "kissing" we'd just shared, no matter how passionate, actually meant anything to him. In the back of my mind, I know it did mean something and that something was probably a big something, but what could I do? I was Adam Lambert's boyfriend… Not Tommy's boy toy. He disappeared into his bedroom for a few seconds and then came back out with the scarf. He wrapped it stylishly around my neck and I smiled at him. "Thanks, Tommy, I really appreciate it," I said just as Adam started knocking on the door.

When I opened the door, his eyes did a quick sweep over of my body. That wasn't very unusual. Adam was a bit of a sex addict, I knew, so he appreciated when a boy "dolled himself up" for a date. A smile tugged at his lips until he saw the scarf. A frown tugged his smile downward and I blushed slightly, shutting the door behind me before I said anything. "Tommy's letting me barrow it. I thought it made the whole thing, I don't know, punk-ish?" I said, making up a bullshit excuse right off the top of my head.

Adam seemed to accept this and he took my hand in his, pulling me out of the apartment building and down to his car. I slid into the passenger's seat as Adam started the car. "So where you wanna go, baby?" he asked. I thought about that question for a minute or so.

"Let's go to the park," I said after a minute. Before Adam's Glam Nation tour, we went to the park all the time, just to be that classic, cute couple. The first date we had after I got the restraining order taken care of, was the park. When I thought of a romantic date, I didn't think about expensive dinners and dancing, I thought about the park.

A smile graced Adam's beautiful lips again and he took my hand in his, threading his fingers through mine. The car ride was filled with Lady Gaga's music, but it didn't bother me. If I was straight, I would totally tap that in all seriousness. The park wasn't far from mine and Tommy's apartment, so it only took about a song and a half to get there. "Come on, babyboo," Adam whispered to me, pressing a kiss into my cheek before we got out of his car. He locked it up tight and then walked over to me, taking my hand in his again.

"I really am sorry, baby," he apologized again. "I shouldn't have yelled at you like that."

I sighed, leaning into him as we walked through the park. "Well… I know you didn't mean to do it, but you've got to learn to stay calm. I love you so much, Adam, but if this is going to work, you can't just push me out of your life and tell me it isn't my business. If we're going to be a happy couple, everything you do is my business and everything I do is yours…" I said quietly. I felt like such a hypocrite because I wasn't planning on letting Adam find out about what Tommy and I had just done a little less than an hour ago, but there were a few exceptions…

"I… I know baby. I just didn't want to make you feel like it was your fault or anything if I had a bad tone, but Monte called and told me that everything we'd recorded for the new album was deleted and we had to redo all of it," he said to me.

"You could have just told me that…" I said quietly, sitting down on my favorite bench. No, it wasn't different from any other bench, it was just placed in front of a fabulous pond. "I just want you to talk to me. That's what it means to be in a good, solid relationship."

Adam sat down next to me, winding an arm around my waist and pulling me close. "I know… I know that now. I wasn't thinking rationally, I admit it. I should tell you everything," he said quietly and again, that guilty feeling hit me. Adam pressed his lips into the area right under my earlobe, the portion just above where the scarf ended and I whined, moaning quietly. "I'm sorry baby, I'm not always the brightest," he muttered against my skin. His mouth slowly moved up to my earlobe, nibbling roughly on it. I gasped again, tilting my head to the side.

I could practically feel Adam smirking into my ear. "Adam…" I whimpered, turning my head to catch the beautiful man's lips with mine. He was only too happy to kiss me back, his tongue forcing its way between my teeth. I moaned again, tangling my fingers into his inky locks.

Suddenly there was no making out with Tommy. There was no almost-sex on the couch back at the apartment because there was no way I really kissed anyone other than Adam life this. I didn't even remember why I had worn the scarf, so when Adam started to move it aside, I didn't protest it. His lips left mine, trailing down my jaw line. I was waiting for him to mark my neck, but he didn't.

"What is that?" he asked, pulling the scarf away from the neck completely. Then I remembered why I had worn it…

I flushed, my face was sure to look like a Christmas tree, and my hand instantly when to Tommy's first bite mark. I couldn't cover up both though, they were too far apart. "I…"

"Tommy did that to you, didn't he?" he asked and I could see the hurt and… jealousy in his eyes. "Drake…"

I closed my eyes for a minute, unable to look into the man's ocean eyes at that moment. "Yes… I… I just had a moment of weakness…" I said quietly, reopening my eyes. His eyes seemed to soften a little. "I was upset and I didn't really realize what was happening until the marks were already there…" I muttered. Adam was frowning, fuck… "I'm sorry, Adam…"

He cupped my face gently in his hands. "It's… it's okay, Drake. I mean… it's alright as long as you and Tommy aren't like having a fling behind my back," he said and I could actually see the fear growing in his eyes.

"We're not having a fling. Nothing like this has ever really happened before…" I said quietly and it looked like a relief was lifted from his shoulders.

"Then don't worry about it. I, of all people, know what it's like to have moments of weakness…" he muttered, his lips pressing to mine again. The sun was setting and I hadn't really realized it was that late until now. Where exactly had the day gone? Oh yeah, I got a new job, quit my old one, got yelled at my some friends, went out to lunch and got yelled at some more, went home to have my roommate go all vampire on my neck and then up to here. Wow, how did I even live through today?

I kissed him back, moaning quietly. I couldn't believe Adam found out about the bite marks and was so calm about it, but he did have a point. He's fucked up _a lot_, so he really couldn't judge too much…

My fingers tangled back into Adam's hair and he pulled me right up against him, our kiss quickly turn into one that resembled mine and Tommy's from early. Fuck… "Adam…" I mumbled, pushing him away just slightly. "Not here. Not somewhere where everybody can see us. Let's… go somewhere private…" I muttered quietly against his lips.

A look of astonishment crossed his features because I'd basically just given him a "get into my pants for free" coupon. I wouldn't lie… I missed our more intimate moments. Being the cute, high school couple was fine but it wasn't what either of us wanted, that was for damned sure. "Baby… are you-"

"Yes, Adam, I'm sure. I don't want people recording us making out or anything else that making out is going to lead to," I said quietly. A smile touched the singer's lips and he stood up, taking my hands in his and pulling me up with him.

"Well then, I suppose we should get out of here." He walked me back to his car and we filed into it. If we were parked in a more secluded place, we might have just gotten straight down to business in here. Adam held my hand as he drove back towards his condo. He looked a little… anxious to say the least but if it was because he was nervous or just dying to get me back home and back in our bed, I wasn't sure. A smile touched my lips because, no matter how much shit had gone down between us, I was still the person he wanted to be home so much…

Adam pulled up under the familiar cover of his condo. My car used to sit next to his, when I had a car. He got out and walked around to greet me as I climbed down. His arms wrapped around my waist and he continuously pressed kisses into my hair and down my neck. His lips even brushed over the bite mark Tommy had made in the junction of my neck and shoulder and I shivered. It was a sensitive spot under normal circumstances. Now it was even more so, due to the bite.

A soft, musical chuckle erupted from Adam's throat. "Maybe I actually need to thank Tommy for doing this to you," he whispered. I knew he wasn't serious about that, he was still kind of upset that Tommy had even gotten to touch me. Maybe upset wasn't the right word. Maybe it was more like jealousy than anything else…

"Shut up, pervert," I muttered, moaning quietly when his fingertips pulled the fabric of my tank up my sides. His hands were soft and gentle and they felt like fire on my skin… Damn you, Adam Lambert…

He chuckled, pulling the tank up. I lifted my arms obediently so he could pull it off and toss it into the entryway of the condo. None of those awful memories came to me because I was just too focused on Adam and his fucking talented lips. His hands wandered down my sides, hips and my outer thighs. Once his fingers reached my knees, his hands wandered back up, mostly on my inner thighs until he reached my ass, which he cupped in his hands and squeezed. I gasped, leaning into him so our hips met. We were both half hard, and the was completely obvious.

"Damn, Drake. You better get your Cajun ass into our bedroom," he whispered, his voice low and seductive. Fuck was it hot…

"Alright, alright," I said, turning from him and walking down a small hall with Adam's- our bedroom at the end. He quickly followed after me.

"You wore your tightest jeans today didn't you? Just to give me a hard time," he muttered, his arms wrapping around my waist from behind. His hands started working to undo the jeans. He was quite skilled at it, so I was naked in a matter of seconds. Adam took my upper arms into his hands and turned me to face him. His eyes were definitely not focused on my eyes either. "My memories of you really don't do you any justice," he whispered, pressing his lips to mine again. I whined, kissing him back. How was it fair that I was already naked and he still had all of his clothing on?

"Adaaaaam!" I whined, pawing at his shirt. He chuckled quietly, pulling it off for me.

"Quite impatient, aren't we?" he whispered against the shell of my ear and I moaned again, taking his belt into my hands and undoing it as quickly as possible.

"You're one to talk…" I mumbled, unbuttoning and unzipping his pants, which he seemed only too happy to kick off.

Adam walked me backwards until I was at the bed and he gently pushed me onto it. "Drake, I don't have any condoms," he muttered, climbing over me. I only rolled my eyes.

"When do we _ever_ use condoms?" I asked. When we first started having sex we used condoms to make sure we were safe and all that shit, but rubber never felt too great and we quickly got over the whole "no glove, no love" thing. It just wasn't working out.

He chuckled, his finger's running over my chest and playing with my nipples, which caused me to arch up into his touch, of course. "That's a very good question…" he mused, leaning down and pressing his lips into the side of my neck that Tommy left unmarked. I was sure he was going to do everything he could to prove he could mark me better than Tommy had. Yay, more bruises and bite marks for me!

His hands travels south, running over every inch of my body _except_ my now completely hard erection. You mother fucking bitch. He seemed determined to touch my inner thighs, tickling them to the point I already had precum dripping onto my stomach. "Adam! Fucking God!" I exclaimed, my head falling back into his obnoxious amount of pillows.

"Fucking God, I think I like that title," he said and he completely stood up, leaving me naked and in need of attention.

I only rolled my eyes at his comment. "Where the _fuck_ do you think you're going?" I hissed at him. He smiled innocently at me.

"We need lube, don't we?" he asked, kneeling down next to the bed and pulling out a completely unused bottle of lubricant.

"Oh my God, why do you have that?" I mumbled, trying to resist the urge to touch myself because clearly Adam wasn't doing it. You couldn't have remembered something like lube before you got me to this point? Seriously?

"Cass gave it to me a little while ago… Said that I could use it for masturbation and shit since I was so lonely. Nice of him, right?" he said, chuckling lightly and he crawled back over me, his hands uncapping the lube and squirting some onto his fingers. God… I _needed_ those fingers. Obviously a year and however many months of no sex did a lot more damage than I really thought possible… "Baby… I want you so badly but if you don't-"

That's when I grabbed Adam painfully by the hair. He winced but he loved having his hair pulled, so I imagined it just made his cock throb even more. "If you even think about stopping, I will never talk to you ever again," I said, pulling Adam down for another dirty, sexual kiss and I loved every fucking minute of it.

His fingers teased my entrance for several agonizingly long minutes before he finally pushed one into me. I cried out in pleasure. Maybe I was more of a sex addict than I thought. After being deprived of it on tour and then deprived of it for the last year or so… My body reacted to any small amount of stimulation. "Fuck Drake… You are so tight…" he muttered, his finger curling to hit that spot that drove me crazy.

I cried out again, pulling hard on Adam's hair. "That's what happens when you don't have someone inside of you every single day," I said, soft whimpers falling off my lips as he pushed a second finger into me. His fingers made a scissor motion in attempts of opening me up and it felt fantastic. I was letting out sounds you'd only expect to find in a porno. Even Adam moaned every few seconds.

"Damn it, Drake… I need you," I whispered, his lips pressed gently into the hickey he had just given me a few minute ago.

"Then take me already?" I suggested. Fucking hell I sounded like a whore. No, I was only a whore if I said that to more than one person. Last I checked, Adam was the only person I'd had sex with in an extremely long time.

A smile pulled at his lips and his fingers disappeared. I had to admit that I hated the loss, but when he started pushing his swollen shaft into me, I cried out, burying my face into his neck. Despite the lube, it hurt a lot simply because I was that tight. But… I knew that the pain would fade soon enough. I'd just be really fucking sore in the morning.

Oh well.

True to my beliefs, the pain did subside and once Adam's hips started to rock, my nails dug into his back. He was trying to be gentle with me, I knew he was, but he couldn't help himself after so long and he started pounding into me relentlessly.

I cried out, screaming into his skin. I knew… I knew I shouldn't be screaming because, for some reason, Adam really got off on them but I couldn't help it. When I was fucked (and it was actually good) I screamed. I was a screamer, I admit it. I had one boyfriend tell me he couldn't handle me because I was "too wild".

"Shit… Drake…" Adam mumbled and his thrusts started to become less rhythmic. He was close to slipping over the edge but I was closer.

"Adam… I…" I bit my lip, my face completely flushed with desire, pleasure and just a little bit of embarrassment. Another powerful thrust forced a cry from my lips, probably the loudest of the night and Adam moaned.

"It's alright baby… just come for me," he whispered, wrapping his fingers tightly around my erection and giving it a good, hard pump. I cried out, unable to hold on any longer and I came, making quite the mess too. Adam moaned, and he stopped moving. He was buried deep inside of me as he came and I cried out again, an arm falling over my eyes as my boyfriend climaxed inside of me. It just… felt too good. How did I live without this for so long?

He pulled out of me, forcing a soft moan from my lips. "Baby…" he whispered, laying down next to me. "I love you so much… I missed you so much," he added as I turned into his arms, my face burying into his chest.

"I missed you too, Adam…" I muttered quietly, both of my arms wrapped around him and one of my legs curled around his thigh. We couldn't have been any closer without having sex again.

Adam chuckled quietly, pulling me close with his arms around my waist. "Get some sleep, Boo," he whispered and I smiled into his chest.

"Adam, I love you…" I said quietly and I leaned up, kissing him gently before my head finally came to rest at his shoulder.

His arms tightened around me, almost possessively as he whispered an "I love you too, so much."


	14. Isn't It Messed Up

**Chapter Fourteen: Isn't it messed up how I'm just dying to be him?**

**Adam's POV**

Making love to Drake was, perhaps, one of the best things I'd done in a long time. I missed touching his body so intimately and pressing kisses into his skin. I missed moving inside of him and just _feeling_ him come undone beneath me. Digging my nails into his hips, hearing him screaming my name… While his screams used to be one of the best parts of sex, they weren't quite the same anymore. They weren't as pleasurable to me because of the things I'd done to him. Don't get me wrong, I still loved hearing it, but I didn't completely get off to it anymore.

Drake had fallen asleep long before I did, probably because of how intense I'd been with him. I wanted to be gentle. I wanted to make it sweet since it'd been a year and a half since either of us had had sex. But I just couldn't help myself. Being buried deep into him, feeling his nails on my back and his moans in my ears, I couldn't be the sweet, gentle one. I needed to love him the way I always did; rough but passionate.

I wanted to fall asleep just as easily as he had, but I couldn't. I stared down at him in the darkness, gently playing with the locks of his hair. I couldn't see them, but I knew they were there— the bite marks Tommy had left on him. _Tommy_. Why would Tommy, of all people in this world, bite _my_ boyfriend? Why would Tommy, a _straight man_, mark my lover?

Maybe Drake was right— maybe it was just a moment of weakness and Tommy was trying to make him feel better. But I could think of a lot of ways to make someone feel better without fucking marking them. Hugs, kisses on the cheek. Putting in a movie, comforting them. All of this without any expressions of intimacy or lust. If he wanted to just show my baby comfort, he could have done _anything_ other than marking him… Touching him…

I felt a ball coil in my stomach and I knew it was jealousy. Cruel bitch. But what the fuck was Tommy thinking, anyway, touching my Babyboo? Marking him? As if to _claim him_? I clenched my jaw, willing my body to relax so that I wouldn't crush Drake in my arms. His breath tickled my chest and my neck; it was warm. I inhaled slowly, counting to ten and whispering his nickname. I could almost feel my heartbeat slowing to a more moderate speed.

But, seriously… Tommy had no right. I don't care that Drake's been living with him for a year and a half. Drake… Drake is _mine_. Drake is _my Babyboo_. _Not _Tommy's. _Mine_. I didn't like the possessiveness of my thoughts, but it was true. I didn't want to have these kind of thoughts as I began to drift, but I couldn't help it. My mind was spinning as my body slipped and… I dreamed—

_I was holding Drake in my arms, pressing kisses into his hair and on his neck. He was smiling and laughing, pressing himself close to me. I looked down at him, curling a finger under his chin and bringing his lips to mine, kissing him sweetly. He moaned into my mouth as my tongue slid between his teeth, mingling, gently, with his. His arms wrapped around my neck and shoulders, his fingers curling into my hair._

_His body was pressed tight to mine and he felt amazing there; it was right. I missed having him so close to me that I never wanted to let go of him. My arms wrapped tightly around his waist as I left kisses on his face and into his neck. He shivered against me, his face a beautiful shade of red right in the cheeks. He was such a blushing machine, but I thought it was the cutest thing in the world. _

"_I love you," I whispered into his ear, smiling slightly and leaving another kiss into his hairline. His body shook with laughs and he turned his head, giving me a kiss on the cheek._

"_I love you, too, Adam." He replied. I leaned back a little to admire his face, reaching up and caressing his cheek. How did I ever get so lucky as to have him back into my life? He was just so perfect and beautiful. My angel. My baby. All mine and I loved him unconditionally._

_Hands reached up and clasped onto Drake's shoulders, pulling him from my arms. I frowned, wanting to step forward and pull him back, but I was frozen to the spot. Hands became arms that wrapped around Drake's midsection and a man that was roughly the same height rose up behind my baby. Pale skin, full lips and dark, lusty, deceitful brown eyes framed by a wave of brilliant blond hair flipped to one side. A smirk pulled at the lips and Tommy was smiling at me, as if to say "I win". He turned his head, nuzzling Drake's cheek before leaving a kiss onto his skin, his eyes burning into me— never leaving._

_My heart clenched and unclenched at the sight in front of me— and I couldn't do a damn thing about it! I was frozen; I couldn't move or speak as Tommy's hands roamed, sliding under Drake's shirt and teasing him, his lips covering every inch of neck and shoulders he could reach. All the while, his eyes stared at me, never leaving, never changing…_

_The worst part of it all was when I looked away from Tommy and saw Drake's expression. He… He was enjoying it. Clearly— his eyes were shut, lips slightly parted and his head rested against Tommy's shoulder, his chest rising and falling with breaths. One of Tommy's hands pulled itself down, resting against Drake's hip before sliding inward, towards an obvious erection sported by my baby. My heart clenched and I tried to scream, telling them to stop— but it was pointless. It didn't work. Tommy's hand cupped over the curve and Drake arched into him, moaning loudly._

_Tears were pooling in my eyes— please, Rah, tell me this isn't happening. Tell me this is just some fucked up dream… This isn't happening, this _isn't happening!_ But as Tommy's hand slid into the waistband of Drake's pants, _touching him_, I knew that it was. And… I couldn't help the moan that past from my lips. As much as I hated the scene in front of me, I couldn't deny that it was sexy. My Babyboo being touched by a very beautiful man… Of course it was sexy to me. But… Drake looked so… So far gone into ecstasy, I doubted he remembered I was there. But Tommy knew I was. He kept staring at me, smirking. As if to rub in the fact that I'd lost…_

I shook awake, breathing hard and sweating. I was trembling and I felt something shift in my arms. I looked down, seeing Drake's silhouette in the darkness. He was still asleep. He was still _here_. I sighed in relief, running fingers through my hair with a shaking palm. He didn't wake up, which was nice. I bit down on my bottom lip, turning slowly and checking the clock on the bedside table. Four in the morning. Fucking Rah…

I carefully unwrapped my arms from around Drake, sliding off of the bed as quietly as I could manage. I couldn't go back to sleep, now. I needed to get up, move and keep myself occupied until exhaustion hit me again. I was too wired from that dream to really do anything else. I grabbed a pair of sweat pants from the floor before I shuffled out of the room, closing the door a little. I would let Drake sleep in peace while I did… Whatever the fuck I was planning on doing. I didn't know. I just knew I couldn't go back to bed.

I stumbled silently down the hall towards the bathroom, pushing the door open and stepping inside. I turned the lights up a little, keeping them dim enough that they didn't burn my eyes immediately. I sighed, glancing at my reflection in the mirror. I looked like hell. My hair stuck up at odd angles, bags under my eyes and I reeked of sex and sweat. I wanted to vomit for about five seconds before I turned the faucet on, splashing cold water onto my face. It didn't help— my body felt so hot. I closed my eyes, seeing the dream behind my lids and I felt a twitch under the fabric of my pants.

Are you fucking kidding me?

"Oh. Hell. No." I whispered. I wasn't going to deal with it. I would let it die out on its own, because— seriously?— I was _not_ going to jack off to a dream about Tommy stealing my Drake… Tommy… That _fucker_.

I bit down on my bottom lip, shutting the light off of the bathroom and stalking down the hallway towards the living room. I'd left my phone out here the night before, and, even at four in the morning, I was going to give a certain blond a good piece of my mind. I stumbled, running into the couch and swearing quietly. Snickers popped his head up from his place on the couch, yawning and looking at me in the darkness with bright, brown eyes. I sighed, reaching over and scratching behind his soft, puppy ears. He nuzzled into my hand, and, if dog's could smile, Snickers would be having one of those sleepy grins.

I reached down, snatching my phone up from the table and quickly scrolling through my contacts, all the way down to the "G's". I had Tommy listed as Glitterbaby— so what? But I had a feeling after tonight I'd be putting him down in "T's", where he belonged. Sorry, Tommy, but if you're gonna be stealing my boy, you're not gonna be my Glitterbaby anymore.

I tapped the contact on my phone, holding it to my ear and staring, hard, at the wall across the room. Snickers had curled back up into a ball, but his bright eyes were watching me, curious. The dial tone rang and rang— five times, before I heard a click and Tommy's soft, tired voice entered the other line.

"Adam?" He said softly. I imagined he was rubbing his eyes sleepily, laying in bed.

"Hi, Tommy." I replied, my voice harsh. The line was quiet for a moment before Tommy spoke again, seeming to be a little more awake than he was five seconds ago.

"It's four in the morning, man. Something wrong?" He asked. I could almost hear anxiety in his voice. Oh, yes, Tommy. Something is _very_ wrong.

"What the fuck were you thinking giving my boyfriend hickeys?" I asked, my tone still harsh. My blood was beginning to boil and my heartbeat was increasing again. But I didn't do my deep breathing exercises. I didn't whisper the word "Babyboo" to myself. If I was going to get angry, I was going to lash out at someone. And today's victim was Tommy.

"I… I'm sorry. He was just— he told me you yelled at him and I, I was just comforting him and I got— got carried away, I'm sorry—" I scoffed.

"_Sorry_ doesn't fucking cut it, Tommy. You can comfort someone without fucking _marking them!_" My voice rose and Snickers whimpered softly, jumping down from his place on the couch and scurrying down the hall.

"Whoa— Adam, calm the fuck down—" I shook my head, beginning to pace across the room.

"I'm not going to fucking calm down, Tommy! You don't _mark my boyfriend_." I hissed. Tommy sighed again, his breath shaking. Was he scared? I didn't blame him. He should be scared, because I wanted to rip his balls off.

"Look, I didn't mean for it to happen, Adam. It just… It just did." He said softly, and I felt rage boil up into my throat.

"It just _happened_?" I hissed, wanting so badly to shout at him. Wishing to _hit_ him…

"I'm sorry! It won't… It won't happen again…" He said, but it sounded flat. _A lie._

"You're lying to me, Tommy," I seethed, my voice low and angry.

"Adam." I heard a voice behind me and I turned, seeing Drake standing in the mouth of the hallway, wearing a pair of my pajama pants and a t-shirt, Snickers slightly behind him and to the right. So— Snickers really was like our child, running to the mom because Daddy's angry again…

"Adam, look I'm—" but I didn't let Tommy finish. I stared, hard, at Drake while hissing into the receiving end of my phone. I wanted to make my point clear. I wanted Tommy to know that he could _never_ have my Babyboo.

"You're not to touch him again, am I clear?" Drake's eyes widened softly, the hickeys from both myself and Tommy dark and angry against his Cajun skin. The moon was still out, illuminating the room. It seemed to be a spotlight on my baby.

"Adam, that's—" I hung up, still staring at Drake. My breathing was uneven and hard, and my heart was pounding in my chest. I wanted to punch something, to break something. But I knew that I couldn't. But, fuck, I _needed _to.

"Adam, what's going on?" Drake asked. I dropped my phone onto the couch, stalking close to him. He looked so small, weak and afraid as I towered over him, reaching up with my left hand. My hand curled around the conjunction of his neck and his shoulder and he tensed beneath me as my thumb dug into one of the marks that Tommy had left on him.

"_This_. _This is not going to happen again_." I growled, unconsciously digging my nail into the mark. Drake winced, trying to shrug out of my grasp. He looked so uncomfortable and scared—

"Adam, you can't control what Tommy does—" I reared back with my right fist and punched the wall, inches from his head, putting a nice dent into it and bruising my knuckles in the process. Drake froze in front of me, seeming to stop breathing.

"_The _fuck_ I can't!_" I shouted into his face. Drake's eyes were wide, but he reached forward, cupping my face into his hands and pulling me into a soft kiss. He held me there, trembling, until my heart stopped racing. The violent edge in the tension of my body vanished and my hands slipped from the wall and from his neck. I relaxed as he pulled away, but he still held onto my face. Tears were streaming down his cheeks and he looked so scared…

"You've got to stop this," he whispered. My heart clenched in my chest. "You've got to stop thinking that Tommy's out to get between us. He's not. _I love you_, and that's not going to change. But, frankly Adam, you're terrifying me right now." I could see in his eyes he was trying to be so strong and brave when all he wanted to do was run away. I sighed, looking away from him and feeling so fucking ashamed. I yelled at him again… I could have hurt him…

"You… You need to talk to your therapist, see if there's some kind of medication or something—" I glared down at him, tensing.

"I don't need medication." I hissed, my voice dropping several octaves. His hands tightened against my face and his face went serious.

"Listen to yourself, Adam! You need to get better. Therapy isn't good enough anymore. I know you don't want to, but, baby, you _need _it." Tears were streaming down his face again and I felt like such an idiot… "Please, baby. For me, please…" He whispered. I sighed, feeling my own tears stinging my vision before falling. I kept my head down, his hands warm on my face. I felt like a failure.

"Please?" He asked, lifting my head. I bit down on my bottom lip, nodding once before kissing him gently.

"I'm so sorry." I whispered into his lips. Apologies seemed to be the only thing I could really say anymore…


	15. But Lately, I Am So Crazy

**Chapter Fifteen: But Lately, I Am So Crazy  
Drake's POV  
**  
The sex was amazing. It left me completely drained and I fell asleep in Adam's arms. I didn't think anything was going to ruin that night, but then I woke up to Snickers whining into my hair. I'd been in a pretty deep sleep until Snickers' wet nose pushed into my hair.

Then I heard Adam yelling…

Groaning, I sat up. My ass and my abdomen hurt like a bitch because Adam wasn't gentle, but I didn't care. I stood up, pulling a pair of Adam's pajama pants out of his dresser and slipping them on. I did the same with one of his tees. Yeah, they were big on me, but I wasn't about to walk out into the living room completely exposed. No. That's definitely where I draw the line with that.

"Adam?" I asked, staring at my lover once I reached the end of the hall. Snickers stayed behind me, I was sure because he was afraid of Adam. I didn't blame the pooch, I was kind of terrified myself… Adam was hissing at Tommy, probably for giving me the bite marks… Shit. The night was perfect and then Adam lost his temper. At what, I had no idea. He seemed so happy when I fell asleep and now?

That had been several hours ago. I begged Adam to go on medication of sorts because obviously therapy just wasn't cutting it. At first Adam was extremely against any sort of drug and, for a minute, I was afraid he would hit me for even suggesting something like that. I felt awful, being afraid of my lover and always thinking he was going to lay a harmful hand on me. But… when Adam was angry, he was a different person and I firmly believed he needed more than what therapy could offer him. He needed medication, which I finally got him to agree to.

He apologized and he cried and we kissed in the hall for a long time, but there was still that layer of fear wedged between my heart and my brain. Adam punched a wall hard enough to dent it. I… couldn't even imagine what that fist would have done if it had connected with my face…

No, I _needed_ to stop thinking about that. I had to. Adam loved me, that much was completely obvious. I loved him too and that, I realized, was never going to change. After he raped and nearly killed me, I was in love with him. He just… He just needed help that was all.

Eventually Adam took me back down to our bedroom and we curled up together. He kept muttering soft "I'm so sorry"s and "I'm such an idiot"s. I knew he was sorry, but I also knew that wouldn't stop his anger from rising again. He needed those drugs, but I needed to make sure Tommy was alright. Adam had been… extremely mean on the phone, from what I could tell and I couldn't help but feel that Tommy was extremely afraid of Adam at the time. I didn't blame him. Adam had scared me and I wasn't even the source of his anger.

"Baby, I gotta go," Adam whispered against my temple. Sunlight was pouring in through the window and I wondered how the fuck it came to be mid morning? Wasn't it just four o'clock in the morning like five minutes ago? "Rerecording stuff today," he added, pressing another kiss into my hair before he got up. I just groaned in response, rolling over in his large, overly stuffed bed. He chuckled, seeming to be in a much better mood today. I was thankful for that… Maybe he just needed the sleep?

I fell back asleep until Adam came out of the bathroom. "Baby, I'll call you once I get out of recording," he said and I felt his lips press into my hair again.

"M'kay… Have fun baby," I mumbled, my eyes mostly shut. I was really tired and still sore from last night, but I knew, once Adam was gone, that I had to go see Tommy. I had to make sure he was alright and to talk to him about what happened between us yesterday. I couldn't really say that I understood why he would mark me like I was his, but I wanted to understand. I also wanted to make sure that Adam didn't actually kill him because I imagined that Adam really fucking wanted to right now.

"I'll try…" Adam said with a weak laugh and his soft footsteps crossed to the bedroom door. "I love you, Babyboo…" he said, his voice quivering a little.

I frowned, trying not to let that bother me but it kind of did. "I love you too, Adam," I said, my voice still groggy. I stayed in bed until I heard the condo door open and then latch closed again. I stood up, slowly so I didn't hurt my poor back side too badly and I walked into the bathroom. It smelled like Adam's body wash, which actually smelled really good. I just… I needed a shower. There was absolutely no way in Hell I was going to go have a heart to heart conversation with Tommy while reeking of sex. Not. Going. To. Happen.

The shower was brief, but effective and once out, I brushed my teeth and ran a comb through my hair quickly before getting dressed and rushing out of the condo with Snicker in my arms. I didn't have the energy to job or run or even walk all the way back to mine and Tommy's apartment, so I hailed a cab and I climbed into the back, giving the cabbie my address. The cab ride was silent and kind of awkward. I always thought cabs were like that, especially if you were driving in one alone… But today I couldn't worry about it. I had to get to Tommy.

I _needed_ to see Tommy…

"Here we are," the cabbie said, pulling up to my apartment building.

I pulled out a few small bills from my wallet and handed them to the man. "Thank, keep the change," I said and rushed away from the cab. The money was way more than enough to pay for my trip and leave a nice tip. I probably gave him far too much, but right now, I just didn't care. Nothing was more important than making sure Tommy was okay…

Unlocking the door with my key, I walked into the recently redesigned (thanks to me 3) apartment and set Snickers down. He instantly went to the little doggie bed Tommy and I had made up for him in the corner. "Tommy?" I called out. I heard a soft grunt from the kitchen and that exactly where I went. To my relief and maybe even a little to my delight, Tommy was sitting at the small breakfast nook. "Tommy, are you alright?" I asked, walking over to the blond.

"Fine… why wouldn't I be?" he asked me, frowning. He probably had no idea that I had heard any of the argument last night.

"I heard Adam yelling at you last night… I wanted to make sure you were okay because Adam was… really mean…" I muttered, sitting down in the chair next to Tommy's.

The blond sighed, turning away from me slightly. "I'm fine. He had every right to be angry with me," he said. Damned stubborn bastard.

"But he didn't have a right to yell at you or demand things from you…" I said and I reached out, putting a hand gently on Tommy's shoulder. "Listen… I talked to Adam after he hung up on you. Therapy isn't enough for him anymore and I begged him to go on medication. He needs it and he agreed. He was really awful to you last night but he was just having one of his episodes. He's going to get the medicine he needs now."

Tommy sighed again, his chocolate eyes meeting my less appealing ones. "Adam really fucking scared me last night, but I'm not worried about him hurting me," Tommy said, his eyes looking from my own down to my hand that still rested on his shoulder.

"What are you worried about then…?" I asked, frowning.

"That he's going to hurt you again. I know, I know he loved you but if he can't control his anger, then he might slip. If you ever ended up in the position you were in a year and a half ago I just… I don't know if I could…" Tommy was stuttering by the end of his copped sentences. His eyes were shining with… tears? Tommy? My heart clenched slightly seeing him like this.

"I thought you wanted me to be back with Adam? I thought…" I blinked, not clearly understand what was going on but my chest ached.

Tommy stared at me for a long time, silence filling the air between us and all around us. It was uncomfortable and completely awkward, but I could see Tommy's soul behind his eyes. His fear was growing uncontrollably. "I did want you to be with Adam. I thought that was what would make you happiest… But if he hurts you again…"

"Tommy, I understand that fear," I whispered, putting my hands on his cheeks. "What I don't understand is why you kissed me yesterday. I don't understand why we got so… so close on the couch yesterday. I don't understand why you would ever want to do that with me in the first place. Adam was mad, I understand that, but that's not what this is about. Forget about Adam. Pretend he's not even part of this and fucking talk to me… You always fucking tell me to open up to you and not keep things locked up because it isn't healthy, but that's exactly what you're doing right now!"

Tommy's eyes drifted away uneasily but and I forced him to look at me again. "You really can't see it, can you?" he asked so quietly I swore he was whimpering. He looked so frightened and vulnerable. Why would he be afraid of me? Why couldn't Tommy just be blunt and straight forward like normal straight guys are supposed to be? Well, alright, clearly Tommy isn't completely straight. Maybe he was even a little more gay than we all gave him credit for…

"See what Tommy? No, I don't see or know anything if you don't fucking talk to me…" I said helplessly. I couldn't read his fucking mind! I didn't have super powers! Couldn't he just open up to me and be honest with me? Isn't that what friends were supposed to fucking do for each other? Yes, yes it was, so spill it, Ratliff!

Tommy looked away from me again and I was really starting to get frustrated with him doing that. "Drake…" he whispered, sounding broken and defeated.

I bit my lip, suddenly feeling a little afraid to know whatever it was that Tommy had been keeping from everyone, especially me. I wanted him to open up to me and tell me but at the same time… "What? Please, Tommy… what?" I asked, closing my eyes and preparing myself (or at least trying to prepare myself) for whatever was going to fall off of those beautifully girly lips.

"Drake…" Tommy stared at me for a long time, fear and a mixture of other emotions swimming in his melted eyes. "Can't you see why I'm always so worried about you, why I'm so protective of you… Why I kissed you and… and _marked you_ last night it because I-" He choked on his last words and I grabbed him by the shoulders, shaking him into reality. You cannot get so close to telling me the truth and just stop, Tommy Joe Ratliff! It didn't work like that!

"Because you what, Tommy?" I was close to getting down on my knees and begging him to fucking talk to me.

He choked again, look away from me and down at some dirt speck on the tiled floor. "Because I love you, Drake! I love you so fucking much!" he exclaimed, several small tears rolling down his pale cheeks. My jaw dropped open and I stared at the beautiful blond.

He didn't really just say that he was in love with me, right…?


	16. You know, I'm Always Here For You

**Chapter Sixteen: You know (you know) I'm always here for you**

**Adam's POV**

Rerecording was bitch, to say the least. Fortunately, Monte and I were smart enough to remember most of what we liked and didn't like, and it wasn't too hard to fix everything up and give it a good, clean sound. We must've spent a good portion of our time mixing songs and styles, since recording the basic sound took all of five minutes per son that we did. We called it a day around one or so, after successfully finishing and saving half of the album.

Naturally, considering the events from earlier that morning, I was exhausted as hell. My throat ached from singing and arguing so much and all I really wanted to do was fall back into my bed, pull Drake into my arms and go to sleep. I made my goodbyes to Monte and the rest of the band (with the exception of Tommy, who apparently didn't show up for rerecording today) and our producers, before making my way outside to the back lot of the studio. I crossed to my car, unlocking it and slipping inside.

I shut the door, pushing the key into the ignition and turning, hearing the engine purr, softly, to life. I pulled out of the spot, swerving through the lot towards the exit and down the street, heading for the highway. GaGa's smooth vocals were filling my car and my ears, but not obnoxiously loud or anything. Just pleasant. _I want your love and I want your revenge, you and me could write a bad romance…_

I tapped my fingers to the beat of the song, a small smile on my lips. Despite my exhaustion, I was incredibly pleased with the work that had been accomplished today and was looking forward to spending the rest of it with Drake once I got home. Maybe we could have lunch together, taking Snickers out for a walk through the park. Or we could just chill at home and watch a movie or something together.

My phone buzzed on the seat next to me, and I turned the stereo volume down before reaching for it. I glanced at the screen, seeing my mom's name on the screen. I rolled my eyes, smiling softly and answering the call, holding the phone up to my ear. "Hello?"

"Hey, sweetie." She said. I could hear the smile in her voice as well as some background noise, and I wondered, for a moment, if she was out shopping or had the television on in the same room.

"What's up?" I asked, holding the steering wheel with one hand. Sure, I was being illegal because I was on my phone. But I'm Adam fucking Lambert. I could pay off thousands of tickets before having a financial issue… Knock on wood.

"Just checking in on you. I wanted to know how you're doing and how Drake's doing." She commented and my smile widened, though my chest hurt a little. I knew, in the back of my mind, that I was going to have to bring up the argument I'd had with Tommy over the phone and the fact that Drake wanted me to go on medication. I still wasn't too into the idea of going onto pills to help me be better, but my baby wanted it for me, and I couldn't let him down again.

"Um… Well, we're okay." I said after a moment, sighing softly and leaning a little farther back into my seat.

"Did something happen?" She questioned and I sighed again, gnawing on my bottom lip for a brief moment before deciding to tell her.

"Well… Yesterday Drake and I went out for lunch to celebrate the fact he got a new job as an interior designer—"

"Oh, that's wonderful!" Mom interject, and I smiled, shaking my head a little bit.

"Yeah, it's fantastic. But, I took him out, and we had a nice lunch, and I got a call from Monte. Apparently all of the work we'd done on the album got wiped and we had to start from scratch. Well, Drake was just trying to be helpful and I snapped at him before dropping him off at his apartment," I said with a sigh.

"Ohh, no."

"Yeah. So… I went home to cool off for a while, just to clear my head a little bit. I called him to apologize and asked if I could make it up to him. So I picked him up from his apartment and we went to the park to talk and just… Clear the air between us. And… I found hickeys on his neck… From Tommy." I said, feeling the tension in my chest at the memory of seeing those bites… I couldn't get angry now. Not. Now.

"Tommy? Isn't he—"

"Straight. Yeah. Though I'm not so sure at this point. But… Drake apologized, saying it was a moment of weakness and that he didn't mean for it to happen. And… Well, we went back to my place and… Well, you know, we had some time to ourselves. And when we went to sleep, I had a really, really fucked up dream…" I trailed off, wondering if it was the best idea to tell my mother about this dream of mine. Oh, fuck, she's my mother, I can tell her anything..

"Go on." I sighed, licking my dried lips.

"In this dream, I was cuddling with Drake and suddenly Tommy came up behind him and pulled him away from me and was… Doing things to him that only I should do, if you know what I mean."

"Oooh… Honey, I'm sorry…" I shook my head despite the fact that she wasn't there to see.

"It's… Fine now. But I woke up from this dream at, like, four in the morning and I called Tommy to, effectively, bitch him out about it. And, apparently, I woke Drake up… And I yelled at him. Fuck, Mom, I got so angry I punched a wall. But had it been any worse I would have hit him to just let out anger…" My mom sighed on the other line.

"Honey…" I shook my head again, blinking back small tears.

"He wants me to go on medication. The therapy isn't enough anymore and he feels that it'll help if I take something to keep the anger to a minimum. It's just… I've never had to worry about anyone coming between me and Drake and suddenly _Tommy_ is marking him as if they're dating…" My heart clenched in my chest and my mind flashed back to the dream; Tommy touching and kissing _my_ Babyboo… I shuddered lightly.

"Medication might be the best thing for you, though. If he thinks it'll help, it's worth a shot, isn't it? And as for Tommy, I think, if you have a pleasant, calm conversation with him, then you can work something out…" I sighed softly, changing lanes and driving down towards the suburbs in which my condo lived.

"I don't know. My conversation with him this morning wasn't exactly the friendliest of things, and I'm not sure how comfortable he'll feel around me when it comes to a conversation about Drake. But I can try. I called in my prescription on my way to work and I'm supposed to go pick it up around four, or so. But I was gonna head home first and just relax." I told her.

"Understandable. Just make sure that you talk to Tommy soon. Apologize for yelling at him." I rolled my eyes and smiled.

"Yes, Mommy." I joked and she laughed. Rah, I loved my mom's laughter.

"Alright, Adam. Your father and I are going out to lunch, so I'm going to have to let you go for now. I love you, honey." I smiled, driving down the street towards my condo.

"I love you, too, Mom. Have a good time with Dad. Say hi to him for me?" I asked. She laughed again and said she would. We made our goodbyes as I tossed my phone back onto the passenger seat, driving the last ten minutes towards my condo. I was in a relatively pleasant mood as I pulled under the rain cover of my condo spot, pushing my phone into my pocket and sliding out of the car. I locked it up tight, shoving the keys into my pocket as I strolled up to the front door.

It was unlocked, which led me to believe that Drake was still home. But there was no Snickers to come rushing out to greet me at the door. I frowned, peeling my jacket off and tossing it onto the back of the couch before kicking my shoes off and leaving them by the door. The living room was silent, as was the rest of the condo, it seemed. Maybe Drake and Snickers were still asleep?

"Drake?" I called out, pulling my keys from my pocket and leaving them on the coffee table as I made my way to the back of the building, towards the bedroom. I glanced through each of the rooms I passed, not seeing my Babyboo in any of them.

"Drake?" I called out again, pulling open the bedroom door and seeing an empty bed. No Drake. No Snickers. I doubted Drake had work to do, and I couldn't think of any reason why he would leave other than to go on a walk with Snickers. But that shouldn't have taken several hours to do. And if he had gone, wouldn't he have texted me or called me saying that he was going to leave?

So, if it wasn't work or Snickers related, that only left one thing—

Tommy.

I felt my chest clench with jealousy and my jaw tightened into a frown. I inhaled deeply through my nose, pulling the bedroom door shut again. Why would he leave to go to Tommy's place without calling me? Why would he go back in the first place? I swore under my breath as I stormed through to the living room. If Drake came back freshly marked or anything I was _going_ to _rip_ Tommy's balls _off_.

"Fucking hell, Drake!" I hissed, turning on my heel and beginning to pace when I stopped, my eye catching the dent in the wall where the hallway began. My heart melted in my chest and I felt the sudden violent rage burn away. I'd almost hit him this morning, I couldn't be mad again… If Drake wanted to see Tommy, I had to respect that wish of his. They were just friends, after all. Drake had promised me that there was nothing but friendship between him and Tommy and I had to believe that. I had to.

I sighed, feeling even more tired than I was before. I wanted to sleep with my baby in my arms, but I didn't know when he was going to be home. I knew I needed to call Tommy and tell him that I was sorry for yelling and just figure out for myself why he would bite Drake, but… I didn't want to. I just… I needed a nap.

But first, I pulled my phone out of my pocket, speed dialing Drake's phone. I held it to my ear, listening to the tone ring several times before going to Drake's voicemail. I sighed, disappointed as I waited to leave my message—

"Hey, baby, it's me. I'm not sure when you're going to be home. But, if you get here before four, I'm probably gonna be asleep. At four I'm getting my prescription. Umm, I love you, baby. I'll see you soon." I said before ending the call and running fingers through my hair. It'd gotten so long, it was almost passed my shoulders. I desperately needed a cut. I made a mental note to myself to make an appointment as I headed back down the hallway towards the bedroom.

I pushed the door open again, peeling off the layers of clothing I was wearing before snatching up a pair of pajama pants off the floor and tugging them onto my hips. I pulled the sheets and blankets back, sliding into bed before tucking them around my hips. I turned onto my side and facing where Drake had been this morning. I sighed, resting a hand where he would have been if he was still here. My heart clenched and I felt the sting of tears, but I willed them away.

I didn't want to be jealous, but I was. I just… I couldn't lose him, and all the same, I couldn't imagine Tommy being the one to compete with me for Drake's love…


	17. So All You Feel Is Love, Love

**Chapter Seventeen: So All You Feel is Love, Love…  
Drake's POV**

So, I really didn't have any idea who to handle Tommy telling me he was in love with me. If I moved back in with Adam, it would crush Tommy's heart, but if I stayed with Tommy? Adam's jealousy would continue to grow and their friendship might possibly be ruined because of me.

Alright, let's face it. Their friendship was probably, almost nonexistent right now, but I just… It was hard knowing that I was the cause of it.

It was a hard decision to make, but I decided to go back to Adam's condo and move back in with him. But… I spent a lot more time with Tommy than I should have. We'd found ourselves kissing on more than one occasion and I felt awful for it because I loved Adam… But Tommy was such a good guy. I didn't want to hurt him by completely shooting him down.

My emotions were a rollercoaster through Hell at this point…

"Awwww! You look so adorable!" Adam exclaimed, coming out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. Ever since he started the medication I begged him for, he'd been a lot less angry. I knew he didn't like Tommy and I spending so much time together, but after Tommy's hickeys faded, he calmed down a little. Tommy went back to recording the new album with the band, and while tension was high between the singer and the bass player, life was manageable. For now…

"Adam, shut up. I so do _not_ look cute! And you're crazy if you think I'm going out in public like this!" I said, tearing my eyes away from the mirror I was staring at. Adam thought it would be cute to dress me up like an elf… It wasn't. Yet, I somehow got put into this ridiculous costume. "Why are we even going to a Christmas party in the first place? You're not religious and if you were, you'd be Jewish!"

Adam came over to me, taking my face into his hands and kissing me gently. I moaned because I couldn't help it, but I was still peeved about this whole costume thing. "Because it will be fun and we've got gifts to give away. And you are going out like this, cause you're adorable and the entire world should see how adorable you are."

"No," I said, crossing my arms over my chest. "I refuse to leave this condo dressed as an elf!"

Adam pouted. Great, the pout. "Please baby? You look adorable!" He emphasized that point by pinching my cheek.

"I'm a grown man. I'm not supposed to be adorable," I protested, huffing.

He chuckled. "Then you're doing a pretty poor job of it." He let go of my cheek and dried himself off with his towel. He pulled on a pair of red skinny jeans, a white tank and a green over shirt with the sleeves pulled up to his elbows. He looked… festive and cute, but he didn't have a ridiculous green elf hat on with his face painted. No, I was not going to stand for that.

"Adam! I'm not going out like this. I'm not wearing this ridiculous hat. I refuse and if you make me, I'm never having sex with your famous ass again," I threatened and he pouted again. Other than the hat and make-up, Adam and I were dressed similarly only I was wearing green skinny jeans and a red over shirt instead of the other way around.

"What if I wore a ridiculous hat too? Then would you wear yours?" he asked, pouting at me again. I sighed, rubbing my temples.

"Do I get to take this make-up off and wear _normal_ make-up?" I asked.

"Fiiiine," he whined, picking up a red Santa hat off of our bed and putting it on his head. Mine looked exactly the same only green. We were quite the festive couple and neither of us were Christian. Oh well, Christmas was really more of a Wall Street holiday anyway. Adam came over to me and picked up a cloth off the vanity (yes, Adam Lambert would be the only guy in the world to have a vanity in his bedroom) and he wiped the make-up off my face, leaving only dark green eyeliner left behind. "Better?"

"Extremely," I said and he rolled his eyes, taking my hand in his and pulling me out of the bedroom. Usually he was pulling me _into_ the bedroom. "What's the rush?" I asked, pulling my shoes on.

He looked over at me after gathering up three large bags of presents. If Adam was fatter, he could literally be Santa Clause. "We're kind of already late for the party and Cass is going to kill me," he said, shoving his feet into his own shoes and then he rushed me out the door. Once I was actually in his car, he dumped the bags of gifts on me and scurried over to the driver's side of the door.

"Adam… where's Snickers?" I asked. A low growl came from the bag that didn't call onto the car floor and was actually still in my lap. Snickers' puppy head poked out of the bag. "What are you doing in there?" I asked, trying to scoop him out from under the many gifts.

"He thinks he's a present," Adam laughed. Oh Adam, you are in for a huge surprise when you unwrap one of your presents if you think Snickers was trying to act like one.

The ride over to Cassidy's place was filled with holiday music that Adam and I both sang to. I noticed him glancing at me every once in a while and every time I said "what?" he just shook his head, smiling at me. Alright, my boyfriend is a freak… When we actually got there, Adam took the bags of gifts out of the car before I could actually get out with Snickers in my arms. I felt like one of those Hollywood divas who took their little dogs with them everywhere, but Snickers was worth it. Tommy's car was already there. Great… I hadn't actually been with both Adam and Tommy at the same time since I told everyone I got a new job, which I was doing fantastic in, by the way.

Nervousness settled in my stomach as we walked into Cassidy's home, which was covered in Holiday decorations and foods. It was beautiful. I hoped the night would be beautiful too… But I doubted it. A lot.

"Bout time you two showed up!" Cassidy exclaimed, coming to meet us. He took Adam's bags from him and set them within the ocean of presents that littered about a third of the living room (and it wasn't exactly a small room either).

"Sorry, Adam's fault. You know he takes forever to get ready," I teased, setting Snickers down. He ran right over to Tommy, who was sitting in one of Cassidy's lounge chairs. Snickers jumped up on him, licking his face and Tommy laughed but there really didn't seem to be much joy in it. Tommy…

"Well, at least it was worth it. You too look adorable, matching for the holidays!" Brad said, kissing both of us obnoxiously on the cheek. Oh Brad, how did I ever live without you in my life?

Cassidy and Brad pulled us into the party. The entire band, as well as Adam's dancers were there. Cassidy and Brad, of course were there and a few people I didn't recognize. Probably some of Cass and Brad's friends. "We've kind of started drinking without you, dude," Monte said, coming up behind Adam and pulling him into a bear hug. I liked Monte, but he kind of scared me a little, so I back away to talk to Brad before Monte could crush me in one of his massive hugs.

"Hey, you still have Adam's 'gift' here, right?" I asked him, pulling him aside.

"Yeah, he's locked up in my bedroom with a bow and everything," Brad said, grinning at me and I rolled my eyes, playfully shoving him. "Drake?"

"What?" I asked, frowning a little. Brad had lost his teasing grin and looked rather serious, which he never looked serious, so I was instantly concerned.

His eyes wandered over to where Tommy was sitting, playing with Snickers. "You have any idea what's up with him? He's been really depressed and withdrawn since he got here…"

I sighed, shaking my head some. I didn't want to talk about it, but I knew that Brad was seriously worried about Tommy. So was I… I wanted to help him and I wanted to make him feel better, but how could I do that? I was Adam's boyfriend, not Tommy's and I couldn't just be in a relationship with both of them. "I'll talk to him," I said quietly, leaving Brad and wandering over to Tommy. "Hey, can we talk for a second?" I asked and Tommy's chocolate eyes met my own. He didn't look happy, but he agreed and stood up, setting Snickers, who protested with loud whines, down on the floor.

I pulled Tommy away from the other, to the entryway of the kitchen so I could talk to him with a little bit of privacy, but I could feel Adam's eyes burning a hole into my back. "Tommy, everyone is really worried about you and I really can't stand to see you like this. I want to-"

Brad cut me off. "Mistletoe! You two better get to kissing. Don't want to break traditions or anything!" he exclaimed and I looked up, indeed seeing a mistletoe hanging in the center of the archway. Damn…

Glancing back over at Brad, I saw Adam elbow him in the ribs and I swallowed, looking back at Tommy. Sadness filled his eyes and he shook his head. "Drake, we don't have to…" he whispered and Brad popped up right next to us, pushing me into Tommy.

"Can't break tradition, guys," he said, smirking at us and I shoved him.

"Dude, do you want Adam to kill you?" I hissed at Brad and then grabbed Tommy's wrist lightly in my hand, pulling him into the kitchen. "What is wrong with you?" I was done playing games. I needed answers. I needed to know why Tommy was in love with me in the first place and why… well I needed to know 'why' for a billion things, actually!

Tommy frowned, glancing down at the tiled floor. "Drake… Can you really blame me for being depressed? I mean… the person I'm in love with is dating my 'best friend'…"

I sighed. For some reason, that annoyed me a lot. I felt bad for Tommy, I really did. I'd even go as far as to say that part of me loved the blond. After everything he did for me over the last year and a half? How could I not have at least a little bit of romantic feelings for the man? He saved my life… Yet, he was the one who encouraged me to go back to Adam. He was the one who told me Adam had changed and he was getting better and that he deserved a second chance!

"You told me to go back to Adam… If you loved me, why did you tell me to give Adam another chance?" I asked, frowning a little. None of this made any sense.

Tommy looked away again. "Because I… I didn't really know how to deal with the feeling of loving you. I thought it might have just been because I was around you all the time. Granted, you're beautiful, but I just thought… I thought that between you being so upset all the time, the fact that you are… very nice to look at and the fact you were always around me, made me want to be with you. I thought if you went back to Adam and you were happy, I wouldn't have these feelings anymore…" he whispered, never looking me in the eye. He avoided looking me in the eye.

"And how is that working out for you?" I asked, frowning a little. I could see tears swelling in his eyes.

"It's not! Drake, I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I never meant to put you in a situation like this but I can't… I can't help who I fell in love with!" he exclaimed, but not loud enough to be heard over all of the talking and partying out in the other room. I just prayed that Adam stayed in the other room and didn't overhear any of this. If he found out Tommy was in love with me? Oh, it would be World War III.

"Why would you even fall in love with me anyway…?" I asked, just genuinely confused. "What's so special about me that I broke your straight-dom?"

Tommy just shook his head, his hair falling in front of his face. "I don't know, Drake, I don't know _why_ I fell in love with you! Maybe it's because you're a fucking fantastic guy who is sweet and caring and always wants to give back! Maybe it's because I got to know you better than I've gotten to know anybody in an extremely long time and I _like_ being so close with somebody! I can't tell you why I fell in love with you! I can only tell you that I did…" His voice grew very small towards the end.

"Then why didn't you tell me instead of just… instead of ignoring it. Maybe I would have been happy with you. Maybe I wouldn't have considered going back to Adam if you had told me before…" I whispered, frowning so hard I actually believe my face might be stuck like that.

"I… Drake… I couldn't. I couldn't tell you. I was scared to…" he whispered, looking small and afraid. I sighed deeply, looking away from him for a second.

"Tommy, we need to figure this out, but right now? Let's just… get through the party without a scene. We'll figure this out, okay?"

"Alright…" he whispered but the look on his face told me that he didn't believe me. I sighed and took him back out to the party. We ate cookies, we drank, we told ghost storied and toasted to stupid, pointless things. Eventually someone said something about exchanging gifts and picked one person's name out of a hat to distribute his or her gifts first. Of course, my name was pulled out

So I got up and went over to one of the three bags Adam brought and I pulled it over, to the group of people, handing them out one by one. I gave Tommy his second to last, right before Adam's. "Brad can you help me out with Adam's?" I asked, nodding towards the hallway that lead down to the bedroom Cassidy and Bradley shared. He jumped up excitedly and rushed down the hall with me.

A few minutes later, I walked back down the hall with a small, golden puppy in my arms. His fur was flatter than Snickers, and he would grow up to be a little bit bigger than Snickers would be, but he was cute and adorable when I found him. He had a red bow covered in glitter on his head and a little bell tied onto his green collar. I walked over to Adam, putting the puppy in his arms much like the day he brought Snickers home and handed him to me for the first time. Adam's face lit up a little and he smiled brightly at the baby in his arms. "Merry Christmas, Adam," I said, even though he didn't really believe in the concept behind Christmas as a religious holiday. He did believe in giving and making life a little happier for other people though, and maybe, to people like us, that was the real point of Christmas.

"Aww, he's adorable!" Adam said, scratching behind the puppy's ears. Snickers whined, brushing up against me. If a dog could look jealous, I would assume it would look like what Snickers looked like right now. I bent down, picking him up and kissing his little doggy had.

"Snickers, be nice," I whispered, but Snickers was still whining and staring down at the new puppy. I imagined Snickers' jealousy was a lot like Adam's…

Adam was engrossed in the new puppy, that he, for some reason, decided to name Reese. I only chuckled and I glanced over at Tommy, who was staring down at the opened present on his lap. I could see his eye start to water. I'd gotten him a custom made bracelet. It was a glass beaded bracelet that I had made attached to a thin stainless steel, but elegant looking chain with a curved plate in the center engraved with his initials on it, right in the center of a small picture of the tattoo I had on my right arm. The only different was, mine had a large D in the center. His had a large T. The accents I had used for the bead bracelet matched the chain nicely, but the beads were the significant part because several of them were chocolate brown. Every time I looked at those beads, I thought of Tommy's eyes…

On the back it said "For the man who saved my life, Love Drake". If Adam ever read that, it wouldn't be good, but I felt like… that's what I had to do for Tommy… A lot of time and money went into the gift and I was pleased with it. If Adam had a problem, he'd have to deal with it.


	18. I Don't Have Much More Left To Lose

**Chapter Eighteen: But I don't know if I can make it alone (and I don't have much more left to lose)**

**Adam's POV**

It wasn't easy watching Drake and Tommy standing under the mistletoe. And I really, _really_ wanted to smack Brad for trying to get them to kiss. I hadn't told him about my issues with Tommy and I doubted that Tommy would have told Brad or Cass (or anyone, for that matter) that he'd… Marked Drake. I shook my head a little, willing the thoughts out of my head. I wouldn't flip out tonight. I would _not_ flip out tonight.

I tried not to pay too much mind, either, when Drake pulled Tommy into the kitchen. I had to respect their friendship and not let my jealousy of their time together ruin that for them. Besides, when Brad came up to talk to me, I all but forgot about the fact that my boyfriend and my "best friend" were in another room together. Talking to Brad like old times was such a relief. Unlike Monte and the band and dancers, Brad was a breath of my old life. A life that I missed, sometimes.

Drake and Tommy came back to the party, and I immediately took notice that the hair wasn't messed up, the lips weren't red and there were no marks. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding and I tried to act normal. I couldn't help the jealousy, that was normal. But even I knew that my subconscious was being really, really fucking ridiculous. I had to trust Drake. I had to trust my baby in that there was nothing going on between him and Tommy and that the bite marks were a onetime thing and it would never happen again.

I had to.

The party continued on and everyone seemed normal up to when we decided to start our gift exchanges. Drake's name was called first and I felt my heart pound just a little harder in my chest. I wasn't religious by any means, but giving and receiving gifts— even when it was just on any normal day— meant the world to me. The act of giving kindness to one another just… Okay, Lambert, stop being all gooey and lovey.

Drake passed around gifts, one for everyone in the room. He handed a small box to Tommy before turning to Brad and murmuring something into his ear. I frowned, wondering why my present would be in another room. I was going to look away and see what everyone else got when Drake came back into the room with a small, golden puppy in his arms. The ears were floppy, the nose was a chocolate brown, and its fur was shorter, sleeker than Snickers'. I felt my heart melt into a pool of love as Drake shifted the pup into my arms— just as I'd done with Snickers for him.

"Merry Christmas, Adam," Drake whispered as I stared down at the pup in my arms. I squealed at how adorable he was, scratching him behind the small, soft ears on his head. There was a soft, green collar around his neck with a tiny little bell and bright, red, glittery bow on the top of his head. I gently peeled the bow off, tossing it to the side to pet him more effectively.

"What am I going to call you, huh?" I murmured into his tiny ear. Snickers was whining at my feet and I smiled, easing down onto the floor and sitting cross-legged. Snickers climbed into my lap, putting his paws up on my arm to look at the new puppy in my hold. He pressed his nose to the pup's fur and the golden-furred baby nosed Snickers back.

"I know— I'll call you Reese." I commented, smiling at my own joke as Snickers licked Reese on the nose, wagging his tail quickly. I chuckled again, rubbing Snickers behind his left ear; it was his favorite spot. He tilted his head into my hand, nuzzling it with his cold nose as Reese nudged him under his neck, whining softly for attention. I swear, my pups were gay for each other already.

"You two are so fucking cute," I said softly, letting Reese down so he could play with Snickers on the floor. They went scampering around, chasing each other and barking softly, nipping at each other's ears and rolling around. They reminded me so much of myself and Drake. I couldn't help but smile as Reese rolled over and Snickers licked at his face. Reese rolled back onto his feet, licking at Snickers' face and, adorably, their tongues mingled a little. Wow, they really are gay.

"Hey, Adam," I glanced up, seeing Sasha taking a seat beside me. She was watching Snickers and Reese run around, licking each other and just seeming to have a good time. She smiled, "Your pups are gay for each other, and they just met." I threw my head back and laughed.

"Yeah, I know. It's kinda crazy, isn't it?" I commented, nudging her with my shoulder. Sasha was always one of the people I had the easiest time talking to. I told her about what had happened with Drake, and she was so happy that we were together and happy and that things were working out for us again. Ever since going onto the medication— as much as I hate the idea that I'm taking pills for my "condition"— I'd been a lot happier. I didn't feel nearly so stressed or angry.

"Everything's kind of crazy lately… Speaking of which… How's it going with you and Tommy?" She asked? I felt a twitch in my face and I frowned a little, looking down at my hands for a moment.

"Well, it's still awkward between us, ever since the whole incident of the hickeys and shit—" yeah, I told her about that, too, "— but… I don't know. I haven't really talked to him much since then. I mean, we coexist, but we're not as close as we used to be." I told her, being honest. Sasha frowned a little, sighing softly.

"See… I know he fucked up, but that's not okay. We're a family, Adam. We gotta get over things like this. Drake loves you unconditionally. He wouldn't leave you for a little fling with Tommy. Besides, I can't see them ever really getting together in the first place. You and Drake are, like, meant to be together," I looked over at her, seeing her eyes shining with complete, heartfelt truth. She meant every word she was saying. "But you gotta talk to Tommy. This tension isn't healthy."

I nodded once, looking away from her again. Monte and Isaac were talking with Cassidy while Brad was off with Taylor and Terrance, dancing to the GaGa that was playing on the stereo. I didn't know when they'd changed the tuneage from Christmas to GaGa, but I wasn't really complaining, honestly. Christmas was nice and all, but the songs got old super fast. GaGa was something I would always love, no matter the time, place or day.

"I know it's not healthy, per say, but it's… I don't know. Last time I talked to him about this, I yelled at him and told him he couldn't touch Drake ever again. Granted, that was before I got onto medication, so I don't know how it'd work out now. But… I don't know. This is all so confusing and I don't want to lose him as a friend, but I have a really bad feeling that I kind of already have."

"Well, the best I can say is to talk to him sooner rather than later. Once you two talk, things will start to clear up a little more." Sasha stated and I nodded once, smiling slightly. Sasha was always willing to give advice, even without anyone asking for it. And, usually, it was the kind of advice that made you willing to stand up and go for what you wanted, what you needed to do.

I stood from my place beside Sasha, careful not to step on Snickers or Reese as I walked by. But as I looked amongst all of the guests, I didn't see Tommy anywhere. I also didn't see Drake. This caused a frown to pull at my lips as I glanced through the kitchen and the hallway, but I wasn't seeing them anywhere in the immediate vicinity. I turned on my heel, walking over to Monte before tapping him on the shoulder.

"Hey, have you seen Tommy or Drake?" I asked him. He frowned for a moment before pointing down the small hallway. I felt my heart pound a little harder in my chest as I walked in the direction that he pointed. Maybe they were just talking—

I passed through the hallway, staring to turn away when I heard voices to my left. I glanced, seeing a spare bedroom door partially open, a light leaking through with shadows on the ground. I frowned again, walking closer to the door, being as quiet as I could. The voices became more distinct, enabling me to hear everything that Drake and Tommy were saying to each other…

"Tommy… I don't know how to make this better! You didn't do yourself any favors by not telling me until _after_ you told me to go back to Adam! Remember? That was _you_!" Drake said harshly; he sounded really upset. Was my baby crying? And what was he talking about Tommy not saying anything until after we'd gotten back together?

"I _know_ that was me! But that was before— I wasn't sure then. I didn't understand it, and part of me was hoping that it wasn't going to be anything because I _knew _that this is where we'd be!" Tommy retaliated, sounding just as distraught. My heart clenched as I began fearing for the worst. Was there something going on between my baby and Tommy? I stepped a little closer to the door, leaning in with my ear almost pressed to the wood.

"Maybe if you would have just admitted it to yourself, I would have been happy with you and I wouldn't have gone back to Adam." My heart skipped a beat and I felt the spring of tears in my eyes. They couldn't have… "But you never gave it that chance! I never thought I'd end up with Adam again because I was afraid of him, and I never thought he still loved me…" Drake's voice trailed off and I felt a painful tension tightening itself around my throat and my heart.

"You're right. I should have… I'm sorry…" Tommy muttered, so soft I almost didn't hear him at all. I bit down on my bottom lip, willing myself to stay, to listen further. Part of me wanted so badly to leave, to forget everything I'd heard, but each new word, each new sentence kept me frozen to the spot.

"I hate that this hurts you, Tommy, but you aren't willing to do anything." Drake commented after a moment of silence. I could almost imagine them standing, facing each other. Tears on their faces. Are they holding each other? Are they separated? What's going on? Fucking hell!

"I'm willing to be with you." Tommy whispered and, I swear, I felt my heart break. I knew that Tommy wasn't as straight as he claimed to be, but I never thought that he'd stoop so low as to try to take my boyfriend— _my Drake_— away from me. My hand latched onto the frame of the door, gripping it so tightly my knuckles were turning white.

"Then what are you going to do about Adam?" Drake? What are you—

"I can't." Tommy said firmly, completely against what Drake had just said. My eyes widened as I stared at the crack of the door, trying to keep my breathing quiet.

"You can, you just don't _want_ to." Drake retorted. I felt more cracks cutting into the surface of my aching heart. I whimpered softly, inhaling sharply and trying to keep quiet. I couldn't let them hear me because I wasn't sure that I could face them, but I knew I was going to have to sooner or later. When it all came down to it at the end, I knew I would have to.

"No. I don't want to _and _I can't. I can't do that to Adam. I can't do that to you…" Tommy mumbled softly, sounding heartbroken with tears. I could just imagine tears streaking his pretty face, anguish in the eyes I'd grown to have a fondness for simply for the fact they reminded me of Drake's eyes. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to keep the tears back.

"Then what do you want me to do, Tommy?" Drake hissed, sounding like he was about to cry. Babyboo…

There was a long moment of silence that made me wonder if the conversation had stopped. Did they know I was out here? Were they just keeping their voices quieter? What were they— "I want you to be happy," Tommy said softly. Oh, no, they weren't done. They were just at a dramatic pause. Fuck…

"But… You _both_ make me happy," Drake replied, and I sighed softly. He was right. I was Drake's boyfriend but he and Tommy were best friends. I couldn't take away their friendship simply because I was jealous… But I had no right to be jealous. If anyone should be jealous, it's Tommy, because I'm the one dating Drake, not him…

There was another moment of silence before Drake muttered, gently, "What was that for?" I felt my heart skip a beat.

"Because I wanted to," there was a soft, familiar click of lips on lips and my body trembled, "I'll be okay… I promise." Tommy said.

"Is that why you keep kissing me?" Drake asked as a tear rolled down my cheek.

"Hmm, maybe," I could hear the soft smile in Tommy's voice and there was another silence before… "I love you." No… My knees shook with weakness and I prayed that it was one-sided. I prayed that it was only Tommy's affection and nothing more. I prayed to Rah and to the Universe and to Gods I didn't know I even really believed in. In fact, I doubt I truly do, but I had to.

But it wasn't enough.

"I love you, too." Drake whispered, so soft and sweet, I almost wish I hadn't heard it at all. I gasped, looking up through the crack of the door before gently pushing it open. My heart stopped in my chest and I wanted to fall.

Tommy had an arm around Drake's waist, one hand cupping his face. Their lips meshed and mingled, tongues fighting as Drake lazily twisted his arms around Tommy's neck, tangling his fingers into the blond's hair. They looked so into it, so gone into their kiss that I could have been breathing down their necks and they wouldn't have known that I was there. Why, Babyboo? Why?

I didn't feel anger. I didn't feel rage. I only felt a great sadness as I took a step back, running into the frame of the door, gasping softly in pain and grief. They were into it, yes, but that didn't mean they didn't hear me. They pulled away, almost immediately, their eyes locking onto my. Tommy's face fell into a look of regret and shock, and Drake looked like he was about to burst into tears.

"Adam—" I shook my head, turning away and storming down the hall. I grabbed my coat and my keys from the dining room table, rushing passed my friends, ignoring their calls for me to stop and talk to them. I ignored Snickers and Reese, whining at me from across the room as I ripped the front door open and stormed out into a cold, raining, December night.


	19. Live And Let Lie

Hey guys. There's only two more chapters of TFM after this chapter. The next installment will be called "I Die Without You".

**

* * *

Chapter Nineteen: Live and Let Lie  
Drake's POV**

The last thing I ever expected to happen was Adam, walking in on Tommy and I kissing. When he made himself known and we broke apart, I instantly wanted to cry, not just for him seeing me kissing Tommy but for what he might have heard? God, I prayed he didn't hear some of the things that had been said. If he heard them, he would take them all wrong. He would have assumed that I was encouraging Tommy to get between us, to get rid of him completely.

That wasn't my motive at all. I was simply trying to make a point to Tommy. I felt horrible for the blonde's depression, but he wasn't exactly helping himself if he just sat back, watched Adam and I and let his depression consume his being.

Adam wouldn't understand that…

"Adam…" we both muttered, Tommy looking ashamed and guilt (amongst tears that had already started spilling) smudged all over my face. He didn't give either of us the chance to defend ourselves or explain what was going on- which lead me to believe that he had overheard at least part of our conversation. He exited the room faster than I thought was even humanly possible and he left the condo, I was sure… Oh God, what have I done?

Worried chocolate eyes met my own. "Go, Drake… This will crush Adam if you don't go talk to him. Make him understand, or at least show him that you still love him…" he whispered, taking my face into his hands. He kissed me gently on the lips for less than a second. "He'll fall apart without you right now… I can, at least, hold myself together for the mean time…"

All I could do was nod. I hoped the emotion in my eyes gave me away because I just… I couldn't speak. I couldn't. I turned away from Tommy and exited the room. Brad and Cassidy called out to me as I ran out after Adam. I'm sure they were probably getting a little more than peeved about people running passed them, ignoring their calls and exiting the condo without an explanation. But you know what? I didn't give a flying fuck right now. Adam was my top priority.

_Hurry up, Drake! I know you can run faster than this!_ In all honesty, no I couldn't. I didn't have enough muscle to allow me the tools of a great runner, but I had to make due with it. Adam had a car. I had, to put it bluntly, legs that weren't much better than a chicken's… Geez, now that I feel terrible about Adam, I'm criticizing every god damned thing I do! This was ludicrous! After everything Adam had fucked up on, he got another chance. Don't I deserve another chance as well?

_Not if you shattered his heart. He'll have nothing left to give you…_ God fucking damn it! Will my brain please stop tormenting me when I'm trying to focus on running in the rain, not getting hit by cars and getting back to the man I'd just hurt so badly? Could you do that for me, just for a few fucking minutes?

I didn't let myself think the rest of the way home. I simply ran and I ran, focusing more on the pain that was developing in my chest from heart ache and in my side from running more than I had since high school… When Adam's condo, and his car to my relief, came into my line of sight, I could hardly breathe, but I didn't stop. Not until I was in front of the door, which I was leaning on to attempt to catch my breath. It wasn't working out too much.

Clasping the door in my hands, I realized just how much I was shaking. Yes, I was soaked to the bone (shut up) with cold, rain water that I'd just run through for ten, maybe fifteen minutes. However, I doubted that was the reason I was shaking so much…

"Just do it, Drake. Open the god damned door and stop being a coward," I hissed to myself and turned the door knob, pushing the front door of the condo open.

The entryway was dark and so was the kitchen. In fact, the entire condo seemed cold and unlived in. Uninviting… That seemed like some sort of subliminal message to me, but I step into the condo, closing the front door behind me anyway. "Adam? Are you here?" I called out. "Adam?"

Sobs emanated from the general direction of the couch and when I turned the lights on dimly, I saw one of the most heart breaking things I'd ever seen in my life… Adam had his knees pulled to his chest, his face buried into them and he was shaking with uncontrollable sobs. Recently healed fractures in my heart were reopening themselves and I felt like I might be sick. I held the feeling back though, I needed to talk to Adam… I needed to… to make things better!

"Adam?" I asked again, walking into the living room. He didn't look up at me, and for a while, I didn't think he even heard me above his own sobbing. "Adam?"

"Drake, just _go_!" he shouted into his knees and those fractures to my heart were turning in to full on breaks…

"Adam, I'm not-" He didn't even let me get a word in edgewise out.

"Just go be with Tommy! That's clearly what you want for yourself! Who am I to get in the way of what you fucking want?" His words were cruel and hurtful, but his tone wasn't. His tone was… heartbroken and defeated. Tears sprang up in my own vision now and I wanted to cry. I wanted to get down on my knees and beg him to forgive me and, at the same time, I refused to. Adam had fucked up so much and had been forgive. I put a foot out of line and suddenly I'm the scum of the world? No, I don't fucking think so.

I walked around the couch so I was in front of Adam. Tears still threatened to roll, but I held the back. "Adam, stop it! Please! I love you. You don't understand what was going on back there and you're not even going to give me a chance to tell you?" I asked, wiping my eyes with the sleeve of my soaked sweater.

"I know _exactly_ what was going on back there, Drake! I didn't just see you kissing. I heard you talking before the fucking kisses!" My heart sank into my stomach, waiting to be digested by stomach acid once the holiday food was finished. I knew he probably had overheard our conversation, but I was still praying he hadn't… "You told him you _loved_ him and you asked him what he was going to _do about me_! It's pretty obvious that you want me out of the picture, Drake. If you didn't want to be with me anymore, you could have just told me instead of sneaking behind my back!"

"But that's not true, Adam! It's not! I love you. I fucking love you to death! That's why, after you _raped_ me _twice_, I still gave you another chance. That's why I begged that judge not to send you to jail even though, clearly, you committed crimes that were jail worthy. That's why, after I nearly died of a head injury I sustained right over there-" I pointed over towards the entryway of the condo, "I still fucking took you back!" I was being harsh, and excessively mean, I know I was, but how else was I going to get through to Adam? He needed to understand everything _I_ had suffered for our love.

His eyes were sad, hurt, heartbroken but there wasn't anger there. At least, not the kind of anger I had grown to fear from him. "If I'm so awful, why did you even bother coming back to me? Maybe you _could have been happy with Tommy_," he spat, new tears streaking his face.

"Adam, you're misinterpreting everything you overheard. I'm wasn't telling Tommy I regretted coming back to you, because I don't. I fucking love you. I love everything about you, except for your temper, which you've gone so hard to fix. I wasn't saying that at all!" I exclaimed, my own tears threatening to fall.

"Then what did you mean, Drake?" he shouted, but I wasn't afraid. He was a heart broken fool, not an angry monster. I felt more like the monster in this situation.

I closed my eyes for a second, taking deep breaths to calm myself and to keep from crying. "Adam, can't you see how depressed and hurt Tommy is? That's all because of me, because I chose to come back to you, because I haven't returned his love… I was trying to make a point to him, that his depression is, at least partly, his own fault because he didn't act on his feeling when he had the chance…" I whispered, my bottom lip quivering with sobs that wanted to escape so badly.

"But you _do_ return his love! You told him you loved him, Drake! You told him that and I was right there… I was _right there_!" he shouted, finally standing from his pathetic form on the couch.

"I didn't know you were right there, Adam! I didn't know and I'm sorry! But I can't lie about how I feel for Tommy! Yes, I love him and it really is… selfish of you to expect me not to! After everything I went through, Tommy was the only person who believed me when I went for help. He was the person who came to the condo that night and, effectively, saved my life! He was the person who has been taking care of me for the last year and a half to make sure I didn't do anything stupid or reckless and to make sure that I was healthy and sustaining and decent life while I recovered from what happened!" I shouted. "So yes, Adam, part of my heart belongs to Tommy because he did everything for me when no one else would! He gave me life after I felt like I would never have one again. He's the on who encouraged me to give you another shot when I was too afraid to come back. If it wasn't for Tommy, we wouldn't even _be a couple_!" Tears were falling freely now. There wasn't anything I could do to stop them…

There was a silence, a very awkward and long silence and I wondered, briefly, if Adam had gone into shock. Fuck, Lambert! "But the way I feel about Tommy doesn't change the way I feel about you, Adam. I love you! I've been in love with you for years. So much so, that I sat around this condo alone for a year while you paraded off on your Glam Nation tour! Every night, I watched your performances and I watched _you_ kiss _Tommy_ in ways that you should have only ever kissed _me_! And it wasn't just Tommy, but random fans you didn't even fucking know and… and _Ke$ha_. I still loved you after watching you flirt with and kiss other people day in and day out!"

"Those were different… They didn't have feelings for me and I didn't have feelings for them, Drake!" he finally retorted, but I only shook my head.

"That's a lie. Don't you dare pretend like you never had feelings for Tommy. You _asked him out_ while we were still dating! I don't fucking care if you were drunk, Adam! You must have had those feeling before you were drunk off your rocker to ask him! You liked Tommy and you, technically, cheated on me every night with him while you were on stage!" I couldn't even see now, the tears were so heavy…

Adam stared at me, his bright blue eyes wide and even a little spooky in the darkness. "I'm… I'm sorry, I didn't know that's how you felt about those kisses…" he whispered miserably.

"I didn't want to let it bother me, but you've made so many mistakes in our relationship and the few times _I_ make a mistake, you're heart is crushed and I'm suddenly the worst person to walk the fucking face of the Earth. Adam, I'm sorry alright? I can't help how I feel about Tommy. I'm sorry I kissed him. I shouldn't have, but you shouldn't have either and… I'm sorry I hurt you, but forgiveness can't be a one sided street in a relationship, Adam…" My tone had fluctuated from screaming, to a mere whisper and his eyes were wide.

"But I'll always wonder if you will leave me for Tommy…" he whisper, looking and sounding defeated and he left the condo without even looking back at me…


	20. I Need You Like A Heart Needs A Beat

Okay, I lie. There's two after this one.

**

* * *

Chapter Twenty: And I need you like a heart needs a beat (but that's nothing new)**

**Adam's POV**

I didn't want to believe that it was over between us. I didn't want to believe what I'd seen earlier or the fact that Drake— my _Babyboo_, my _lover_— had admitted that he, also, loved Tommy. Tommy… My supposed straight-fucking-bass player. Like Hell. I didn't want to believe anything that I'd heard and seen, but it was all pressing into the front, back and sides of my mind. Flashing in my sight even when my eyes were wide open. Seeing them kiss, hearing them talk…

My argument with Drake wasn't any better. For once, though, I didn't get angry with him. I wasn't even angry with Tommy. I was just… I was upset. I wasn't angry, I was distraught. Torn apart at the seams and wanting to throw myself down onto the ground and just die. And as I walked back out into the rain, leaving Drake in the silent darkness of our condo, all I _could_ think about was dying. Hanging myself, driving off a cliff, drowning myself, popping pills…

I knew I would never act on any of it. I cared about life and my career and my friends and family too much. I cared about Drake too much to leave him. _Though he'd always have Tommy to be there for him if I were to die_. No. I couldn't think like that. I couldn't, I couldn't. I shook my head, unlocking my car and slipping into the driver's seat. I didn't know where I was going to go or even if I was going to go anywhere at all. I slammed the door shut, putting my hands on the steering wheel.

For a moment I didn't do anything at all, I just sat there. But eventually I turned the key for the ignition, pulling out from under the cover. There was no music. There was just the sound of the rain splashing onto the roof and the windows of my car as I drove. I didn't care about the destination, I just needed to get the fuck away from this apartment. It was almost midnight on Christmas Eve and I'd suffered the biggest heartache of my life.

Why, Drake? Why couldn't you have just talked to me? Told me that you had feelings for Tommy? If we'd just talked, we wouldn't be here, baby. I wouldn't be leaving to go scream and cry and try to collect my thoughts and worrying that you really will leave me for Tommy… Fuck. Tears stung my eyes and my jaw was clenched tightly. The skin over my knuckles was stretched thin and white, angry with tension as I made sharp turns and changed lanes. How easy would it be to just turn to hard and make a ten-car pileup?

No, stop it, Adam! Stop thinking like that! You know that suicide is not the answer, no matter how hard things get sometimes. Remember your own fucking It Gets Better video that you made for all those desperate teenagers. Apply it to your life. I sighed, choking on the beginnings of sobs. I couldn't break down now. I needed to get farther away from the condo— I wasn't far enough yet. I would never be far enough.

Fuck, why did this feel like two years ago? When I was driving away because of what I'd done to Drake? Two years ago I almost killed my baby. And now I was leaving again because he'd broken my heart and threw it to Satan's dogs. Fuck him. Fuck him! If he wants to be happy with that blond whore, then let him! If he wants me out of the picture, fine! I'll get out of his fucking life if that's what he wants from me…

But, I knew, in the back of my mind, that wasn't what he wanted. But I didn't want to think about what Drake did and didn't want. I only wanted to think about what I wanted. And what I wanted was to get away and just cry.

I made another sharp turn, veering off the freeway and heading down through a familiar part of Los Angeles. I used to take Drake here all the time, but now I wasn't thinking about what I used to do. Only what was happening now. It was midnight, raining like hell and I was coming to the park to cry. I'm so fucking emo.

I changed lanes and passed cars before turning down another street and pulling to a stop beside the entrance to the park. I slid out, locking it up and shoving my keys into my pocket. Rain splashed down into my hair and on my clothes, ruining my makeup further than what my tears could do, originally. My hair soon became plastered to my skull, my clothes dripping, but I walked through the park, uncaring that I was probably going to get a bitch of a cold from this.

Why couldn't Drake just… Talk to me? Why couldn't I have seen it before? Why did he have to break my heart? Why did I have to hurt him so badly, so long ago? Why did I have to go on that fucking tour? Why did I have to meet Tommy? Why did I have to go onto American Idol? Why did I follow my dreams? Why did Drake encourage me? Why did I meet Drake? Why did I have to even exist?

I stumbled over a tree root, falling to my knees next to a bench— Drake's favorite bench— right next to the pond. I squeezed my eyes shut, crying out softly at first from the pain in my hands and knees. Eventually, I couldn't help it, and I screamed as loudly as I could from the agony in my heart. My body trembled with sobs as I screamed, curling into a ball on my knees and wanting to tear out my hair from the roots and just crawl into a hole.

When I stopped screaming, I kept crying, holding onto the side of the bench for support as the rain came down on me like universal tears, sharing my pain. Why, Drake? _Why_? Why did you… Why did you say you loved him? Why did you say that? After everything I've done to become better for you, to become the man you've always loved again, why did you fall for Tommy?

"Adam?" I shook with sobs, uncaring of the person who'd called out my name. Who the fuck would know me at this hour, anyway? The bench in the park was more in the center of the whole place, residents couldn't have really heard me unless they were standing outside, listening. There were footsteps that drew nearer, but I didn't acknowledge them. I kept crying. I felt pathetic for it, but I kept crying because that was all that I could do.

"Adam, please… Get up." The voice said again. It was familiar, but my brain just couldn't place it. Warm hands grabbed onto my shoulders, but my body was dead weight. I had no will to move. No will to get up and no will to talk. The voice sighed heavily, before arms wrapped around my midsection, hauling me up onto the bench. I groaned, my throat aching from tears and screams. I blinked several times, trying to see through tears, rain and darkness up at the figure.

He was slim, with short cropped hair. Pale washed skin and warm brown eyes, even at night. Cassidy was wearing a frown on his lips and he sighed, kneeling down in front of me where I sat on the bench. I was sure I looked like hell, because I fucking felt like it, too. He reached up with his hand, placing it on my soaking wet thigh, rubbing comforting circles into it. I turned my head away, leaning heavily onto the back of the bench. I didn't want to talk to him.

"Tommy told me what happened… Baby, I'm so sorry…" I felt a twitch in my lower lip and it pulled slightly into a frown. My throat tensed with the clench of old tears and ones that I knew were going to come. Cassidy's palm was warm on my thigh; he kept moving it in circles, as if trying to keep me as calm as possible.

"He… He's ashamed that you walked in. He's ashamed for putting Drake— and you— into that situation." Cassidy continued, looking up at me through the rain. The only reason I could even see him at all was because there was a small, street lamp a good twenty feet away from where we sat, and the light was strong enough to reach us, even if only a little.

"Baby… Talk to me. What happened with Drake? Did you two talk at all?" He asked. I whimpered, more tears falling down my face with the rain. I didn't want to talk about Drake or Tommy. I didn't want to hear about anything involving either of them. I just wanted to be left alone.

"Adam, I can't help you if you don't talk to me…" Cassidy commented. I shifted my gaze over to him, before swallowing the dry lump in my throat.

"How did you find me?" I asked him, my voice scratchy and raw. It sounded horrible, and Cassidy even winced a little bit at the sound of it.

"I had a hunch. I talked it over with the guys, and they said that if you weren't at the condo, you'd be here. So I came here." He said softly. I looked away from him again, feeling exhausted and weak. My hands and knees still stung, but the ache was subsiding into almost nothing. But there was a kind of pain in my chest that was burning strong and angry— like my heart had been ripped out.

"He says he still loves me, but I don't believe him…" I whispered after a few moments of silence. How could I? Cassidy sighed, shifting closer to me, keeping his palm on my thigh the whole time.

"Why not, baby?" He asked, his voice filled with sympathy. My chest clenched with tension and I winced, swallowing another lump of tears.

"Because… He fucking loves _Tommy_… He could leave me at any time if he wanted to and I wouldn't be able to stop him. I wouldn't be able to change his mind or beg him enough if he did…" I trailed off, feeling even weaker than before. Cassidy licked his lips, thinking for a moment before speaking again.

"Adam… Drake will _always_ love you over everyone else. He will _always_ stand by you, no matter what life does to your relationship. No matter who comes and who goes. Can't you see that, Adam? He'll never give up on you. And you shouldn't give up on him…" Cassidy said. For some reason, this made me angry. I clenched my jaw, glaring down at him and feeling a coil of rage tightening in my stomach.

"Then why did he ask Tommy what he was planning to do about _me_? As if I _didn't matter_ anymore to him?" I hissed, shifting my position on the bench. Cassidy's palm vanished from my leg as I shot up to a standing position, hovering over my friend with my hands clenching and unclenching into fists.

"Adam, you don't honestly—" he began, but I cut him off, shouting in his face.

"_You weren't there! _You didn't _hear_ him say "I love you" to Tommy the way he should _only_ say it to _me_!" Cassidy shrunk away before quickly getting to his feet. He was just a few inches shorter than me, but he didn't let that fact show through. He stood his ground, trying, even, to appear taller, braver.

"No, I wasn't, you're right. But, Adam, Drake _loves you_. I'm sure he told you that, didn't he?" My heart cracked in my chest and I choked on a soft sob, trembling with tears again. I wanted to curl back up into my ball.

"He did… But what if he was _lying_, Cass? Remember what I did to him? _I hurt him— I _raped_ him!_ Who's to say he wasn't lying so I wouldn't _hit him again?_" I shouted. Cassidy's face went from concerned to enraged, and I felt a fist hit my cheek and I went down to the ground. I bounced on the wet pavement, groaning at the pain in my cheek and my hands from where I fell and where Cassidy punched me.

"How _dare you_ think that Drake would _ever lie to you_! How _dare you think_ that, after everything you two have been through, he would leave you so quickly and shamelessly!" Cassidy howled at me, sounding much older and far crueler than normal. I trembled, looking up at him and forgetting, for a moment, about my weakness, my pain and my heartache. All that I could see was Cassidy hovering above me and all I could hear was his voice, so powerful and angry, in my ears.

"If you're so _blind_ as to think that Drake would _leave you_ for Tommy, then you really are a lost cause. Drake _loves you_, Adam. He _fucking loves you_." I looked up, clearly, at Cassidy, to see him shaking with tears. His voice was cracking with them. "You guys are my best friends, and I can't stand to see you acting like this anymore. You need to talk to Tommy, fucking figure out what your issues are and you need to _go home_ and be with _Drake_. Because I know you, Adam. You love him too damn much to let go this easily…"

My heart was hammering in my chest and all I could think to do was nod once. Cassidy quickly helped me to my feet, hugging me tightly and apologizing for yelling at me. I told him not to worry about it as I thanked him, hurrying back to my car. He was right. Of course he was right, he was fucking _Cassidy_. I fumbled to get my car unlocked and I slipped inside.

I was stupid. I was so fucking stupid. Cassidy was right. I _was _blind. Too blind by hurt to believe my baby. Too blind by this and that when I should have been more focused on the fact that my baby _loves me_…

God, I'm so sorry, Drake…


	21. I'd Rather Feel Pain Than Nothing At All

**Chapter Twenty-One: I Like It Rough Cause I'd Rather Feel Pain Than Nothing At All  
Drake's POV**

Adam just got up and left, as if he was walking out of my life and I couldn't fucking believe it. I had no idea how long I stared at the wood of that front door, ghosts of memories haunting my vision. Every argument Adam and I ever had, every time he got up and left, every time I'd gotten up and left, the rape… They were all there as if they were all happening simultaneously and I couldn't tear my eyes away from them.

I'd fucked up a lot tonight. I believed, possibly, that I had matched Adam on that scale by telling Tommy I loved him and kissing him. It was so wrong and I shouldn't have done it but… I couldn't help my feeling. I couldn't control who I felt what for. That didn't mean I was going to leave Adam…

"Bastard!" I shouted, tears staining every inch of my face. "Bastard!" I shouted again simply because it made me feel better. After everything Adam had done to me, starting with kissing Tommy on his god damned tour all the time, to asking him out while we were still dating, to hitting me, raping me and almost fucking killing me, he actually had the nerve to leave me for one mistake? "Fuck you, Adam! Fuck you!"

I needed to stop watching those memories playing in the entryway of Adam's condo. I needed to get away from this place, but I was too afraid to go towards the front door, as if walking through the haze of unwanted memories would make me relive every one of those traumatic experiences until I literally couldn't function anymore.

My stomach rolled over several times. I just couldn't… I couldn't digest what had happened that night and I finally, _finally_ pulled myself away from the spot I was standing on and rushed to the bathroom, throwing up holiday cookies and alcohol that hadn't even come close to getting me drunk. I imagined, if I was drunk, this night would have gone a lot more smoothly and much more pleasant than it had…

"You've got to stop, Drake, you have to. If Adam's not willing to deal with your mistakes, your flaws, he doesn't deserve you," I wished to myself but it felt wrong on my lips. It sounded horrible and I felt like I did the day at Adam's hearing, when I begged the judge not to send my baby to jail… The feeling of being desperately in love with someone who hurt me so deeply and would never love me back was expanding my heart to the point of breaking. I thought my chest might actually explode and someone would come into the bathroom days from now to find my chest completely ripped out and blood staining the white bathroom ruby.

Tears fell into the toilet bowl. I just didn't care anymore. My world was crashing down around me with absolutely no way to build it back up. My heart was tearing itself apart from the deepest chambers, locked away from even myself, outward. I wanted to scream, but my throat hurt to badly from the immensity of sobs that racked my body. I wanted to stop crying, but I couldn't. How could I? My life had just effectively ended.

The only thing I could think to do was shower. It sounds stupid, I know, but maybe… maybe if I could just cleanse myself of my guilt and my pain, I would feel better. Or at least I could get up and leave this place. Go find someone who would comfort me and care for me.

Yeah, like that person existed anywhere.

I pushed myself up, shaking as I did so. I was amazed that my legs could even support my frame as I stripped off my soaking wet sweater and tank. My skinny jeans were a little more difficult to get off because moister plus tight material meant sticking to your body. I got them off eventually though and I turned the shower head on, only using hot water. Maybe the pain of boiling alive would make the aching in my chest subside a little.

As soon as my body was under the spray of the hot water, I screamed in pain. Agony racked every portion of my body as well as my heart. Every time it pumped, my chest actually hurt and part of me wondered if, maybe, I was having a heart attack. The other part of me wished that I was, but I couldn't get that lucky.

All I could do was scrub every inch of my body. Layers of skin had pealed off just by how intensely I was trying to clean my skin. I felt that if I could be as clean as possible, maybe it would also clean my charred and blackened soul.

I wanted to blame Adam for everything that had happened. I wanted to say that if he hadn't hurt me two years ago, I would have never fallen in love with Tommy. I wanted to say that if he never went on tour, his anger issues wouldn't have developed in the first place. I wanted to say that if he hadn't raped me and hit me, I would have been happy with him over the last two years and feelings for Tommy never would have sprouted because we wouldn't have grown close, also leaving Tommy unaffected by love for me. I wanted all of this to be Adam's fault because I felt like a victim.

But I wasn't and not all of this was Adam's fault.

In fact, most of it was mine, I was beginning to realize. Adam had been doing everything in his power to get better and all _for me_. He wanted to hold me again and love me again. After everything he put me through, he tried so hard to fix them. Every single fucking time he yelled at me, he apologized. He did everything he could to make it up to me and what did I do in return? I fell in love with someone else, someone I should have never felt anything more than friendship for.

What was worse than the fact that I'd fallen for another man who, in turn, had fallen for me? I acted on those feelings _behind Adam's back_ because I couldn't stand to see Tommy so miserable. I kissed him and I flirted with him a little too much when Adam wasn't around. I made him a gift from the heart when all I got for Adam was a fucking dog. I told him I loved him and I let Adam overhear that. I kissed him and I let Adam see it.

I was careless and I was stupid. I was so caught up in wanting to help Tommy because he was so miserable, that I didn't realize how miserable and insecure my own boyfriend was. Adam loved me so much, but so did Tommy. _I_ loved them _both_ and I didn't want to hurt either of them. I was just trying to make them both happy…

But I hadn't done that. All I did was break up a great friendship and I forced my boyfriend away from me, making him feel like I didn't love him anymore. Like I had chosen the other man over him. That wasn't true!

But… who was I supposed to choose?

On one side, Adam had done so much to get himself better, just for me. He had been my boyfriend for so long and even after meeting so many celebrities and kissing other people, I was the person he was still in love with. Even after I had him put under house arrest and made him start therapy, he was still in love with me. He did everything he could for me because he wanted to make me happy and he wanted to keep me in his arms.

On the other side, Tommy had been the only person out of my entire group of friends to believe me about Adam abusing me. He was the man who found me, dying on the floor of Adam's condo and if he hadn't shown up, I probably would have died that night. Tommy was the man who had taken such good care of me while I was trying to recover from what Adam did to me and he was the one who convinced me that I deserved to be happy. That man was my entire support system for a year and a half and, over that year and a half, he fell in love with me. Because of everything he'd done to save me and protect me, part of my heart was always his.

But my heart was Adam's…

None of that was helping me. It still left me stuck in the middle of the two people I cared about most in this world. If I chose Adam, Tommy would be completely crushed and he might possibly be cut out of my life forever. But… If I chose Tommy, Adam wouldn't just be crushed, his heart would be completely disengaged. His heart wouldn't just stop working, it would be gone and he could very easily never love anybody ever again.

Would that happen with Tommy? Was he just as in love with me as Adam was?

Why would either of them fall in love with me anyway? I'm nothing special! I'm just some short, skinny kid from New Orleans who had a dream of making a difference in the world but was to pathetic to make any sort of fucking difference! I was amazed that someone as graceful and successful as Adam fell in love with me, but Tommy too? Fuck, I wasn't good enough for even one of them to love me but they both did?

My mind wouldn't let me put any of the blame for this situation onto anyone else but me. Logically it wasn't all my fault, but I was far passed thinking logically. I felt like all of Adam's problems _and_ all of Tommy's problems were because of me. I was the sole root of everyone's problems and…

I froze, dropping the soap I had been using to scrap the non existent filth off of my body with. Realization dawned on me and I wondered why I had never thought of it before this point.

Adam and Tommy would be better off without me. Everyone would… My parents were right to disown me because they somehow knew that I would destroy their lives, just like I had destroyed Adam's life and Tommy's life. It sounded so demented, but if was fucking true! I could make everyone's pain stop, including my own…

_It was so simple, so easy…_

I didn't turn the shower off as I climbed out from under the spray. My body was an angry red color from the boiling water constantly hitting my skin. I wondered how long I had actually been in the shower, but then I realized it didn't matter. Nothing did.

My clothes were left on the bathroom floor, the spray from the shower hitting them as well as the tiled floor as I walked out of the bathroom. It simply didn't matter that I was completely naked. It didn't matter that the shower was soaking through the bathroom floor, possibly causing water damage. Nothing mattered, nothing but fixing everything I had fucked up.

And I knew just how to do it…

I walked down the short hall, emerging into the dark living room. It was silent and the clock read twelve fifteen. So, it was Christmas? Somehow, that seemed fitting… The hard wood was cold against the bottoms of my feet as I walked across the living room and into the small kitchen.

Lights weren't necessary. Not for my purposes. I knew exactly what I wanted and where that particular item was located. Above the stove sat a wooden block, several slim, black objects protruding from the top.

I chose one at random. Any one of them would do, as long as it was sharp. The one I pulled out caught the moonlight flooding into the kitchen window and I smiled a little, seeing just a little slice of my reflection in the polished steak knife. This was just too easy…

My eyes fell to my pale wrists and I held my left arm up to be about level with my chest. "Merry Christmas, everybody…" I whispered and I rested the knife against my wrist, right under where my palm ended. Hesitation lasted for only a second before I pulled the sharp blade across, watching rubies seep out, staining my white skin. A smile tugged at my lips as I repeated the process quickly with the other wrist.

My eyes were transfixed on the blood pooling out of my arms and I dropped the knife onto the floor of the kitchen, my blood quickly following suit. "Merry Christmas…" I repeated, my eyes slipping shut.

One tear rolling down my cheek was the last thing I was aware of before there was _nothing_.


	22. Oh, I Can't Breathe

This is it.

**

* * *

Chapter Twenty-Two: Oh, I can't breathe…**

**Adam's POV**

The drive felt like it took too long, and it wasn't until half-passed midnight on Christmas morning that I finally pulled up under the cover of the condo. The rain was beating down harder than before, and I was still soaking wet from my adventure in the park. But the condition of my clothing wasn't my concern as I slid from my car, barely closing the door all of the way before racing up to the front steps, ripping open the door as hard as I could.

The living room was still silent, but there was light leaking from the bathroom. Drake? Oh, God, baby. I rushed forward, hearing the water running— but the door was wide open and the shower curtain was pulled aside. I frowned, carefully running forward, mindful of the water that had sprayed all over the floor. The bathroom was steamy with hot water, Drake's clothes were discarded on the floor. Upon a quick glance into the tub, the soap was dropped and being pulverized by scalding hot water. I reached forward, trying to turn the water off without being hit, but I couldn't avoid it.

I yelped as the heat sprayed across my arm, turning my freezing limb into a scorched, reddened arm. Shit, Drake. Why'd you have this so fucking hot? I managed to grab the faucet head and I turned it off. I glanced down at the floors of the bathroom. I didn't think there was going to be any permanent damage to the linoleum. I shook my head, stepping out of the bathroom and glancing out into the living room.

In the darkness, I couldn't see him anywhere, and, with the exception of the bathroom, none of the other rooms were lit. There was an eerie darkness that loomed about the condo, making my stomach flip inside out. A bitterness sat in the back of my throat as my heart hammered painfully against my ribs, threatening to go too fast and just stop all together. I didn't like the stillness of the condo. I felt like I was in some kind of horror movie, waiting to walk into a trap and have my throat slit at any second.

"Drake?" I called out, wondering if he was laying down in the bedroom and just didn't care to turn the shower off. I shifted, stepping out of the way of the light and glancing towards the kitchen. There was a gleam of silver on the floor, and I frowned, taking another step forward and out of the light further. The silver— which looked to be like a knife— was stained a deep, haunting crimson. My mouth went dry. In the dim lighting of the fogged up bathroom, I could see the silhouette of a figure, lying on its side and turned away from me.

"Drake?" My voice didn't want to work, and his name was barely a whisper as I reached over to the wall, flipping the switch to the kitchen. Light flashed on, illuminating the floors, the counters, windows and the walls. Metal, glass and counter-tops gleaming from the sudden change in brightness, but my eyes were drawn immediately to the floor. Spots, pools and rivers of red, and Drake lying still in the midst of it all. His hair was still dripping with water and blood was trickling from slashes on his wrists and arms. My heart, literally, stopped. It skipped and I choked, trembling head to toe.

"N-no…" I whispered, taking an instinctive step back. My first thought, upon seeing the blood and my baby's _still body_, was that he was dead… He had to have been with all the blood pooled around him. I shook as tears clouded over my eyes and I fell, hard, to my knees, wordlessly screaming as I reached out for him, touching his shoulder. He was turned away from me and his skin was cold and wet. My fingers curled around his shoulders and I pulled me towards me, rolling him onto his back.

His skin was so cold, so pale… There were dark circles under his eyes and all I could feel was shame and regret on top of the agony. My baby… My baby couldn't be dead. He couldn't be. My fingers touched his cheeks, rubbing them as I shook him, crying his name over and over. He couldn't be dead, he couldn't be dead. The blood… The blood was still pouring from his wrists… I ripped off the sweater I was wearing, tearing the sleeves off and tying them around Drake's wrists. I had to stop it. I had to stop it if there was hope of him being alive.

My body was wracked with sobs as I cupped his face, choking on his name. I pushed his hair out of his face, pressing my lips to his. Anything to get him to wake up. I laid my head down on his chest, listening for any signs of a heartbeat, but I was too shook up to notice it if it was there at all. I shook my head for no one, repeating the word "no" over and over and over, choking on more sobs and just holding Drake to my body as tightly as I could. If there was hope, I needed to call someone, but who?

I blankly fumbled for my phone, pulling it from my jeans. It was a wonder it was still working after all the rain it had suffered. I gasped for breath, still crying and still holding him to my chest, my back to the cabinets as I blindly selected the number I wanted to call and I held the phone to my ear. I couldn't stop crying and choking, even as Tommy answered on the fourth ring.

"Adam?" I choked, sobbing loudly into the phone before I could answer with a proper sentence.

"Condo… Drake… Please, Tommy, please…" I mumbled through several more sobs. Tommy didn't seem to say anything, and to be honest, I didn't give a flying fuck. I set my phone down, cradling Drake tighter to my chest. I didn't want to let go. I couldn't let go. Fuck… Fuck, fuck, fuck! Rah… Please… Bring him back… Let Tommy win his affections and let me lose him as mine, but don't take him away from me like this…

I don't know how long I held him to me. But it seemed like every minute where Tommy didn't show up, Drake got colder. I eventually carried him into the bedroom, laying him down and wrapping him up in a blanket just to keep some heat in him. I had to hope and pray and _wish_ that I wasn't too late. I had to.

I was holding him to me in the living room, as far away from the red stains in the kitchen as possible, when I saw Tommy's car pull up to the side and he dashed across to the door, pushing it open. His eyes locked on mine before he looked down to see Drake's pale face and closed eyes. His face went into a look of grief and regret and he slammed a palm over his mouth, looking like he wanted to throw up.

"What do we do?" I asked. My sobs had died to just endless tears and he shook his head, breathing hard.

"Hospital. Now." He said. I stood up, cradling Drake as close as I could against my body, following Tommy out of the condo and into the rain. Still raining. Still grieving. Please, please don't let us be too late… _Please!_

Tommy kept mumbling, but I couldn't understand as I sat in the backseat of his car, holding Drake to me. I pressed kisses into his hair, his lips, everything I could reach without unwrapping him from his blanket. Fuck, he'd lost so much blood at the house… How long had he been like that? Alone and bleeding? A few minutes? Ten minutes? Twenty? Any longer and he surely should have to be dead— no. Don't think that way, Adam. Don't you dare.

Tommy drove recklessly, and no one seemed to care. Why should they? It was almost one in the morning on Christmas. Most people were in their homes, sleeping or partying or whatever it was they did to fucking celebrate. There were no cops to stop us, there was _nothing_. But why did it feel like we were going so slow? Why did it feel like we weren't going to win? Why did it feel like despite our attempts, we were going to lose what we cared for most in this fucking world?

Tommy and I didn't speak. We didn't look at each other. He knew I was crying and I knew he was crying, but we didn't say a damned thing to each other. He drove and I held onto Drake like he was the last thing in this world. In truth, he was. He was the one thing I loved most in my world. I was sure he was the one thing in Tommy's, too. Fuck… Tommy…

We did this to him. We did this to Drake.

Tommy turned sharp into the hospital parking lot before skidding to an angry stop right at the front doors. I pushed open the back door, easing Drake out and carrying him like a bride in my arms as I followed Tommy through the double doors into the front lobby of the hospital. We screamed for a doctor and a nurse came to our aid, almost immediately. She called for help and a stretcher was wheeled out. I watched, almost as if in a movie, as they pulled Drake from my arms, keeping him covered as they took him away.

I could stand anymore. I couldn't find the will to stand. Drake's blood was all over my clothing and I just collapsed to my knees. Tommy tried keeping me from falling, but I just dragged him down with me, weeping into his arms. For being so small, he held me like I was a lost and broken child. He held me with such tenderness, all I could think to do was bury my face into his shirt and cry.

We were there for a while— the only ones in the lobby, thank fuck. I shook like a leaf in his arms, choking and coughing once in a while when there were too many sobs for me to handle at once. I could feel Tommy's tears soaking through into my hair and my shoulders, but he cried quietly. I was the drama queen of the two of us. He was trying to be so strong…

"T-Tommy… What if… What if he—" I tried to say, but my throat closed and I choked. The blond's arms tightened around me and he pulled me even closer, if that was possible at all.

"Don't say that," he said firmly, soft into my ear. I shook, more tears falling. "He'll pull through. He'll make it. He'll be fine, Adam…" He whispered. He sounded like he was trying to believe himself more than anything. Not that I blamed him. We were both in love with the same man, and now that man was, potentially, gone…

I didn't want to believe the possibility that he was dead. I didn't want to believe that I may never see him again. May never hold him, kiss him or tell him that I loved him. The worst part about it was that, if he truly was… gone… Then the last things I'd said to him were the cruelest. I'd accused him of planning to leave me. I doubted his love. What a way to say goodbye to someone…

Tommy held me in his arms until I stopped crying. And even then, he still held onto me, his arms around my shoulders and mid-back, mine around his thin waist. I refused to let go of him. I felt that, if I did, I'd lose everything. Somehow, holding onto Tommy helped me hold onto the hope that Drake really would be okay and that he'd make it out of this okay and things… Things would get better.

All we had left to do was wait.


End file.
